The Burger Meme Personality Test v1.0

[align center] # Greetings, job candidate! [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_Hands.png'} [align left] The last thing you need to do to complete your application and potentially join the Burger Meme™ family is this Work-Readiness Personality-Assessment. [align center] [[Awesome!->Slide 3]]

[align center] # How cool is this?! [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_SoCool2.gif'} [align left] This free and fun AI-powered personality test will help us determine where you best fit within the Burger Meme™ family corporate structure. [align center] [[Awesome!->Slide 4]]

[align center] # Let's Get Psychological! [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_PsycheAni.gif'} [align left] Ready to learn a little more about yourself and not hold Burger Meme™ responsible for any trauma this required voluntary test may cause? [align center] [[Let's do it!->TestSlide 1]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_LuckAni.gif'} [align center] # Good luck! [after 1000ms] Let's get started! Here is your first question. [after 1200ms] [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide 1]]

adjective1: random.d12 noun1: random.d12 employability: random.d100 sound.mute: true -- {no ambient sound} [align center] # Question 1 [align center] # Is this you? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/rainbowHand.jpg'} | [[Yes->TestSlide1Result]] | [[No->TestSlide1Result]] | [[Abstain]] |

[if abstained] {embed passage: 'Yes'} [else] [unless abstained] [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_WatchingYou.png'} [unless abstained] [align left] Really? You want to abstain? Which is basically refusing to participate in this friendly, fun exercise that we—who know a lot more about these things than you do—have put before you? Thereby metaphorically slapping us across our corporate face? [unless abstained] [align center] [[Yes]] | [[No, I've seen the error of my ways->Unabstain]]

sound.effect.intro.url: 'BLAssets/BurgerMemeTheme1.mp3' sound.effect.intro.description: 'Burger Meme Theme Song' -- {sound effect: 'intro'} [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_RIPYou.png'} [align left] We regret to inform you no longer have a place in the Burger Meme™ family. Your application is hereby terminated. Please surrender your temporary ID card as you exit the building. If you do not surrender your ID card, you forfeit the option to have the Burger Meme™ RFID Employee Chip removed. If you wish to have your Burger Meme™ RFID Employee Chip removed, please remit payment of 400 USD within 14 days. Once you remit payment, a Burger Meme™ chip removal specialist will set up an appointment with you. By choosing not to remove the Burger Meme™ RFID Employee Chip, you are agreeing to all current and future terms of our Burger Meme™ Post-Employment Monitoring Program. We wish you good luck in all your future endeavors. Just not anywhere near us. --- [align left] Don't give up yet! Many endings await you yet, such as the **CORPORATE SELLOUT BURGER,** a **DODGED THAT BULLET BURGER,** a **SHIPS PASSING BURGER,** a **FRIENDSHIP BURGER,** and a **LOVE CONNECTION BURGER.** All you have to do is reapply! > >[[Reapply->Restart Game]] >[[Credits]] >[[WTF did I just play?->Inspiration]]

sins: 0 abstained: true sins: sins + 1 -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_Phew.png'} [align left] Thank goodness! I thought I was going to have to terminate your application, nigh before it had started! Please note that your venial sin has been recorded in your Potential Employee File, and, should you successfully complete the application process, will be added to your Permanent Employee File. Go forth and sin no more, applicant/supplicant! [align center] [[I promise to sin no more.->TestSlide 1]]

Error: Your access to Burger Meme™ Online Resources has been revoked. Please refer to the paper copy of the the pre-employment contract that we advised you to print out. If you did not print out a copy, well, live and learn.

[align center] # YOUR RESULTS [if adjective1 === 1] Social Skills: QUIVERS LIKE GELATIN IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER HUMANS. [if adjective1 === 2] Social Skills: PISSY, BUT PLIABLE. [if adjective1 === 3] Social Skills: NONEXISTENT. [if adjective1 === 4] Social Skills: LIKE FERDINAND THE BULL, IF FERDINAND WERE GELDED. [if adjective1 === 5] Social Skills: KEEP THE BOOZE AWAY AT OFFICE PARTIES. [if adjective1 === 6] Social Skills: POTENTIALLY VIOLENT. PROMOTE QUICKLY. [if adjective1 === 7] Social Skills: ALL SHELL, NO TURTLE. [if adjective1 === 8] Social Skills: IF YOU DIED IN YOUR CUBICLE, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. [if adjective1 === 9] Social Skills: BRACE FOR IMPACT, HR. [if adjective1 === 10] Social Skills: CRANKED TO 11—OUT OF 100. [if adjective1 === 11] Social Skills: DEATH OF THE PARTY. [if adjective1 === 12] Social Skills: NOPE. [if noun1 === 1] Sycophancy: MORE LIKE "PSYCHO-PHANCY," AMIRITE? [if noun1 === 2] Sycophancy: NOSE SO BROWN WE'll CALL YOU CHARLIE. [if noun1 === 3] Sycophancy: WHERE THE SUCK MEETS THE UP. [if noun1 === 4] Sycophancy: CALL VAN HELSING, WE FOUND THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if noun1 === 5] Sycophancy: LIKE AN INFLUENCER SUCKING UP TO CHAT FOR TIPS. [if noun1 === 6] Sycophancy: WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, YOU SAID TO YOUR MOM, "ABOUT TIME." [if noun1 === 7] Sycophancy: YEAH, LET'S PRE-ALERT HR NOW. [if noun1 === 8] Sycophancy: YOU GIVE YOURSELF HICKEYS, DON'T YOU? [if noun1 === 9] Sycophancy: POORLY-DISGUISED SOCIOPATH; PROMOTE IMMEDIATELY. [if noun1 === 10] Sycophancy: TONGUE'S LICKED MORE BOOTS THAN A SHOESHINER'S RAG. [if noun1 === 11] Sycophancy: BASICALLY A USED CAR SALESMAN. [if noun1 === 12] Sycophancy: CLINGY AF. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} --- LEGALLY REQUIRED FAQ {reveal link: 'What do these results mean?', passage: 'Results Explanation'} {reveal link: 'What if I do not agree with my results?', passage: '2legalese'} --- [align center] [[Next question!->TestSlide2]]

1stadjective1: "THUNDEROUS" 1stadjective2: "GROSS" 1stadjective3: "KINDLY" 1stadjective4: "BORDERLINE" 1stadjective5: "INCIPIENT" 1stadjective6: "VIOLENT" 1stadjective7: "SUNSET PINK" 1stadjective8: "BURNT" 1stadjective9: "PRECISE" 1stadjective10: "TESTUDINIAN" 1stadjective11: "CALLIPYGIAN" 1stadjective12: "SOMNOLENT" 1stnoun1: "PREVARICATION" 1stnoun2: "PSEUDOCOMPASSION" 1stnoun3: "IDEATION" 1stnoun4: "DORMANCY" 1stnoun5: "DOLOR" 1stnoun6: "MAGNINIMITY" 1stnoun7: "CABBAGE" 1stnoun8: "LARDOON" 1stnoun9: "SYMPATHIES" 1stnoun10: "SOCIAL MASK" 1stnoun11: "BELLICOSITY" 1stnoun12: "NIHILISM"

config.body.transition.name: "none" -- Why would you show me I seeing my results at all? In exchange for Potential Employee releasing and discharging, a priori, all claims, complaints, charges, disputes, and demands against Potential Employer and its employees, agents, partners, shareholders, officers, directors, and affiliated companies, except for claims, complaints, charges, disputes, or demands that could arise from a breach of this Personality Test as required by law, such as claims for training compemnsation pay, front pay, damages, and fees, such as attorneys' fees that could arise from federal or state employment laws or from any conduct by Employer, Potential Employee shall receive all State and Federal Protections under the law and shall receive due consideration in [gender] application based on [gender] merits and character. Employee has been advised to consult with [gender] attorney and is aware that [gender] should have consulted an outside party regarding [gender] legal rights, but knowingly and voluntarily waives those rights to the extent possible under law so as to allow Potential Employer to use whatever Personality Evaluation Methods (PEMs) it deems fit and interpret the results however Potential Employer so chooses. The Potential Employer may terminate the Potential Employee’s application process at any time without Cause, or within 180 days of hiring, by delivering to the Potential Employee/New Employee a Notice of Termination 30 days in advance of the date of termination; provided that as part of such notice the Potential Employer/Employer may request that the Potential Employee/New Employee immediately tender the resignations contemplated by other portions of this contract and otherwise cease performing [gender] duties hereunder. The Notice of Termination need not state any reason for termination and such termination can be for any reason or no reason beyond what the Potential Employee provdes as part of the PEM. The date of termination shall be the date set forth in the Notice of Termination.

config.body.transition.name: "none" -- What do these results mean? Burger Meme™ is committed to using the latest technologies in science and psychology to create AI-augmented Personality Evaluation Methods (PEMs) in order to judge the suitability of Potential Executive Employees (PEEs). That's because we only want the best PEEs, the whiz kids who know they're number one! We'll leak a wee secret to you: Burger Meme™ will shower you with gold—but only if you will dare to "cross the streams." Can you answer nature's call to greatness, PEE? Our PEM will reveal all of ur innate potential!

config.body.transition.name: "none" -- What if I do not agree with my results? Just because your livelihood, and possibly your whole future, depend on this one AI-administered personality test, please do not take the results too seriously! So maybe the machine gets a few things wrong about you. So what? Just answer honestly, trust the process, and go on to the next question. And most of all, have fun!

config.body.transition.name: "fadeInOut" adjective2: random.d12 noun2: random.d12 employability: random.d100 -- [align center] # Question 2 [align center] # Is this you? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/blacktears.jpg'} | [[Yes->TestSlide2Yes]] | [[No->TestSlide2No]] | [if difficult] [align center] | [[I'm finding it hard to answer this question-> difficult]] |

config.body.transition.name: "none" -- # Exactly why doesn't this image represent you? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/blacktears.jpg'} > > [[I don't relate to the black tears.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[I don't relate to the exposed brain.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[I don't relate to the lack of eyes.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[I don't like the color red.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[Other.->TestSlide2NoFill]]

config.body.transition.name: "none" -- # Exactly why does this image represent you? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/blacktears.jpg'} > > [[I relate to the black tears.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[I relate to the exposed brain.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[I relate to the lack of eyes.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[I like the color red.->TestSlide2Results]] > [[Other.->TestSlide2YesFill]]

difficult: false sins: sins + 1 -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_KennedySalute.png'} [align left] # "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win..." [align center] [[JFK was a great man. I understand that, to join the Burger Meme™ family, I, too, my find the greatness within myself through adversity.->TestSlide2]] (P.S. Your sin has been noted.)

[align center] # YOUR RESULTS [if adjective2 === 1] Emotional Intelligence: IF COMIC SANS WERE A PERSON. [if adjective2 === 2] Emotional Intelligence: PBS CARTOON. [if adjective2 === 3] Emotional Intelligence: CLUSTER B NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. [if adjective2 === 4] Emotional Intelligence: HAMURABIAN. [if adjective2 === 5] Emotional Intelligence: A LIVING, BREATHING VERSION OF WILLIAM COLTON HUGHES, THE TITLE CHARACTER FROM STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES'S TERRIFYING NOVEL *THE LEAST OF MY SCARS.* DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS? READ A BOOK. [if adjective2 === 6] Emotional Intelligence: 2,147. [if adjective2 === 7] Emotional Intelligence: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. [if adjective2 === 8] Emotional Intelligence: IMAGINE A LION WHO FORCES YOU TO READ *THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON* WHILE IT EATS YOU. [if adjective2 === 9] Emotional Intelligence: LET'S SAY "COLORFUL" FOR LEGAL REASONS. [if adjective2 === 10] Emotional Intelligence: ALWAYS SINGS "DESPERADO" AT KARAOKE NIGHT. [if adjective2 === 11] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE BACON THAT FRIES ITSELF. [if adjective2 === 12] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN WITH A UKULELE—FRIGHTENING, AND PURE EVIL, BUT ALSO ANNOYING. [if noun2 === 1] Gustatory Sophistication: A TONGUE MADE OF SANDPAPER. [if noun2 === 2] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS TWINKIES ARE UNDERAPPRECIATED. [if noun2 === 3] Gustatory Sophistication: LICK AND SPITTLE, SIGNIFYING NOTHING. [if noun2 === 4] Gustatory Sophistication: BLAMES THEIR LACK OF TASTE ON COVID. [if noun2 === 5] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS MILK IS SPICY. [if noun2 === 6] Gustatory Sophistication: SOMMELIER-LEVEL... IF THE SOMMELIER WAS DEAD. [if noun2 === 7] Gustatory Sophistication: USELESSLY IDEOSYNCRATIC. [if noun2 === 8] Gustatory Sophistication: CEREAL FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT. [if noun2 === 9] Gustatory Sophistication: COULD OVERCOOK WATER. [if noun2 === 10] Gustatory Sophistication: WHEN YOU'RE A HAMMER, EVERY AMUSE BOUCHE TASTES LIKE A NAIL. [if noun2 === 11] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS BEING A PICKY EATER = DISCERNMENT. [if noun2 === 12] Gustatory Sophistication: MEH. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} [align center] [[Next Question!->TestSlide3]]

# Please explain: {text input for: 'TestSlide2YesAnswer'} {reveal link: 'Confirm', passage: 'TestSlide2YesAnswerConfirm'}

adjective3: random.d12 noun3: random.d12 employability: random.d100 scaredOfClowns: false -- [align center] # Question 3 [align center] # Who or what do you relate to most in this picture? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/peoplesailboat.jpg'} > > [[I relate to the man breaking the neck of the woman.->TestSlide3Results]] > [[I relate to the woman having her neck broken.->TestSlide3Results]] > [[I relate to the uncaring blue of the sea and sky.->TestSlide3Results]] > [[I relate to the useless yellow flowers, helplessly watching a murder occur.->TestSlide3Results]] [unless sins > 2] > [[I have a different interpretation of the picture.->TestSlide3OtherReading]]

You wrote: <blockquote> {TestSlide2YesAnswer} </blockquote> Does this truly express what you think Burger Meme™ wants to hear out of you? > > [[Yes->TestSlide2Results]] > [[No->TestSlide2YesFill]]

You wrote: <blockquote> {TestSlide2NoAnswer} </blockquote> Does this truly express what you think Burger Meme™ wants to hear out of you? > > [[Yes->TestSlide2Results]] > [[No->TestSlide2NoFill]]

Well, at least you're honest. [align center] # YOUR RESULTS [if adjective3 === 1] Exploitability: WHAT BARNUM SAID. [if adjective3 === 2] Exploitability: FAVORITE PEN PAL IS A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [if adjective3 === 3] Exploitability: USES SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AS PASSWORD. [if adjective3 === 4] Exploitability: REMEMBER BIB FORTUNA, JABBA THE HUT'S AIDE WHO WAS EASILY JEDI MIND-TRICKED BY LUKE? REMIND YOU OF ANYONE? [if adjective3 === 5] Exploitability: MILITARY GRADE. [if adjective3 === 6] Exploitability: YOU "DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH," DON'T YOU? [if adjective3 === 7] Exploitability: PLEASE TAKE AN ADULT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO CAR-SHOPPING. [if adjective3 === 8] Exploitability: LOST IT ALL IN MEME COIN. [if adjective3 === 9] Exploitability: WOULD BE, BUT LUCKILY, HAS NOTHING WORTH EXPLOITING. [if adjective3 === 10] Exploitability: EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO "PATSY"? [if adjective3 === 11] Exploitability: WOULD LOVE TO INVEST IN A MONORAIL. [if adjective3 === 12] Exploitability: LIKE A BUSTED ATM. [if noun3 === 1] Strength of Character: BASICALLY A SENTIENT ADULT DIAPER: ABSORBENT, BUT A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOU SHOULD BE. [if noun3 === 2] Strength of Character: YOUR SOUL IS LIKE A MESSAGE IN LEMON JUICE. [if noun3 === 3] Strength of Character: A LITTLE TOO REAL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD STARE AT YOU TOO LONG. [if noun3 === 4] Strength of Character: LIKE WRITING YOUR MORAL CODE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH [if noun3 === 5] Strength of Character: HEDONIST. TO FEEL *SOMETHING*, AT LEAST. [if noun3 === 6] Strength of Character: LIKE A WET A MATCH. [if noun3 === 7] Strength of Character: IF YOU PAINT A FACE ON A WRECKING BALL, IT'S STILL A WRECKING BALL. [if noun3 === 8] Strength of Character: A FISH IN THE CLAW OF AN EAGLE, LOOKING SADLY DOWN AT THE GRANDEUR OF CREATION IN ITS LAST MOMENTS. [if noun3 === 9] Strength of Character: THIS PERSON'S DEAD, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT, WITH A HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY HO! [if noun3 === 10] Strength of Character: ALL WATER, NO BROTH. [if noun3 === 11] Strength of Character: PICTURE A BROKEN REFRIGERATOR WITH ITS DOOR REMOVED LYING ON ITS SIDE AT THE DUMP [if noun3 === 12] Strength of Character: IF PLAY DOH COULD TALK. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} *** CW for the next slide: clown. [align center] | [[What if I'm scared of clowns?]] | [[I love clowns!->TestSlide4]] |

sins: sins + 1 -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_Eyeroll.png'} [align left] Oh, so my choices aren't good enough for you? Think you're better than I am, just because you're human and I am a humble AI? Think I couldn't do your job 20 times better than you if given half a chance? Here, have a sin. Now, what exactly don't you like about the options I provided? > > [[Actually, your answers are great! I just misclicked! So sorry!->TestSlide3]] > [[Your choices center on abuse and existential helplessness. I think the image is more positive than that.->positive]] > [[Your choices don't allow me to express myself. I have a more creative interpretation of the picture.->creative]] > [[Your choices assume a narrow, "right" answer for interpreting the picture. Humans, unlike AI, are capable of entertaining contradictory thoughts and nuanced, non-boolean opinions. Your A B C choices are primitive compared to what the human mind is capable of.->creative]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_Opinion.png'} [align left] Did you know that more than 92% of people will not complete a marketing survey at the end of a call? Well, neither do we, since we just made up that number. But we bet it's pretty high! That's why we're asking you now, while you are still in the process of enjoying our Work-Readiness Personality-Assessment, to tell us how effective and enlightening you think it is. For each answer, choose the response than most closely approximates your truest feelings. Don't hold back now! We can take it! [align center] [[Awesome->Survey2]]

You can't possibly think this picture is anything other than a portrait, rendered in ironic pastels, of male hegemony taking the Universal Female in its ogreish hands and deciding whether She lives or dies, while an uncaring world, much like the world portrayed in Bruegel the Elder's _Landscape with the Fall of Icarus_ (a classic of Mannerist Inversion) continues to spread its propaganda of the transcendence of natural beauty and the macroscopic order of all things, can you? > > [[Yes.->TestSlide3Results]] > [[No.->TestSlide3Results]] > [[I'm getting lost in the question.->TestSlide3Results]]

TestSlide3CreativeAnswer: "I got nothing." -- Sure, genius. I hear you. Your mind is a universe unto itself. My paltry algorithms can't hold a candle to your galaxy brain. So here you go. Wow me. Wow us all. What is your interpretation of the painting? Here it is, so you can refresh your memory. Not that it needs refreshing. You're such a genius, after all. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/peoplesailboat.jpg'} [align left] {text input for: 'TestSlide3CreativeAnswer', required: true} {reveal link: 'Confirm', passage: 'CreativeConfirm'}

Your super-creative answer, far beyond the ken of a mere AI, is: <blockquote> {TestSlide3CreativeAnswer} </blockquote> Does this truly express what you think Burger Meme™ wants to hear out of you? > > [[Yes->TestSlide3Results]] > [[No->creative]]

# On a scale of 0-100, with 100 being the highest, how much do you think the images are capturing the most private and secret parts of your personality? {dropdown menu for: 'PersonalityTestImages', choices: ['100%', '80%', '67%', '50%', '33%', '25%', '10%', '0%']} [[Next Question->Survey3]]

# On a scale of 0-100, with 100 being the highest, how accurate is the AI in assessing the most abstruse and unspeakable recesses of your pneuma? {dropdown menu for: 'PersonalityPneuma', choices: ['100%', '80%', '67%', '50%', '33%', '25%', '10%', '0%']} [[Next Question->Survey4]]

employability: random.d100 -- # On a scale of 0-100, with 100 being the highest, how trustworthy do you find Burger Meme™ methods for assessing prospective employees? {dropdown menu for: 'PersonalityTrust', choices: ['100%', '80%', '67%', '50%', '33%', '25%', '10%', '0%']} [[Next Question->Survey5]]

[align center] # SURPRISE! The assessment was still part of the personality test. Judging us helped us judge you! Here's what we learned about you: [if PersonalityTestImages === "100%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE EVERY ASTRONAUT THAT'S EVER LIVED GROUND TOGETHER AND MADE INTO THE MOST AWESOME ADVENTURE-BURGER EVER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "80%"] Sense of Adventure: DAVY FRICKING CROCKETT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "67%"] Sense of Adventure: HAS TRIED FUGU. RESPECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "50%"] Sense of Adventure: OATMEAL WITH RAISINS FOR EYES AND A SYRUP FROWNY-FACE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "33%"] Sense of Adventure: SOMETIMES, YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ON THE WEEKEND! [if PersonalityTestImages === "25%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE A CAT SURPRISED BY A CUCUMBER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "10%"] Sense of Adventure: YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PULSE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "0%"] Sense of Adventure: GRASS GETS BORED WATCHING YOU GROW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "100%"] Narcissism: DESPOT IN THE MAKING. [if PersonalityPneuma === "80%"] Narcissism: POP-STAR WHO'S AGED OUT AND IS DESPERATELY GRASPING FOR RELEVANCY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "67%"] Narcissism: TELE-EVANGELIST, BEFORE THE INEVITABLE SEX-SCANDAL. [if PersonalityPneuma === "50%"] Narcissism: A STARFISH IN WARM WATERS, OBLIVIOUS TO MOST OF LIFE, NO PROBLEMS, NO WORRIES, JUST LETTING THE WORLD COME TO IT. I WISH I WERE A STARFISH. [if PersonalityPneuma === "33%"] Narcissism: WHEN YOUR MAKING A PB & J AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPREAD THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BREAD BEFORE YOU NOTICE YOU'RE OUT OF JELLY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "25%"] Narcissism: LIKE HANDWASH-ONLY NEGLIGEE AFTER AN HOUR IN THE DRYER. [if PersonalityPneuma === "10%"] Narcissism: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION? WELP, TOO LATE NOW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "0%"] Narcissism: SELF? WHAT SELF? [if PersonalityTrust === "100%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! [if PersonalityTrust === "80%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: NOTHING ELECTROSHOCK CANT FIX. JOKING! UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH ELECTROSHOCK. PLEASE CONTACT HR. [if PersonalityTrust === "67%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WE'VE FLUSHED STOOL THAT TRUSTS US MORE THAN YOU DO. [if PersonalityTrust === "50%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: LIKELY A DOUBLE-AGENT. INTERROGATE AFTER PERSONALITY TEST IS COMPLETE. HA HA, JUST KIDDING! ///NOT KIDDING, PREPARE THE SODIUM PENTATHOL. [if PersonalityTrust === "33%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: THERE'S NO TRUST NO FAITH, NO HONESTY IN MEN; ALL PERJURED, ALL FORSWORN, ALL NAUGHT, ALL DISSEMBLERS. (ROMEO AND JULIET, III.2). [if PersonalityTrust === "25%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: YOU'D BRING A POISON-TASTER TO A LUNCH MEETING. [if PersonalityTrust === "10%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: BET YOU 20 BUCKS YOU TRY TO INVOKE FREE SPEECH RIGHTS WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING HIRED, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE A PRIVATE COMPANY AND FREE SPEECH ONLY APPLIES TO THE GOVERNMENT. [if PersonalityTrust === "0%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WHY ARE YOU EVEN INTERVIEWING? NO, SERIOUSLY: IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL, WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS JOB? [continue] Employability Score: {employability} [align center] Time to continue the test! [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide6]]

adjective6: random.d12 noun6: random.d12 employability: random.d100 -- [align center] # Question 6 [align left] # Which keyboard are you? (Scroll down to choose*) [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_Keyboard.png'} > >[[1]] >[[2]] >[[3]] >[[4]] >[[5]] [align left] *That we provided instructions for you to scroll down to answer the question is an accurate representation of our faith in your computer skills. But if you're reading this message, you did it! You scrolled down! Yay you!

adjective4: random.d12 noun4: random.d12 employability: random.d100 percentile: random.d100 -- [align center] # Question 4 [align left] # What kind of clown is this? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_ClownGraffiti.jpg'} > > [[I am scared of clowns and would like to skip this question.->ScaryClown]] > [[An existential clown who is also a cipher for all humans.->ProfoundClown]] > [[A dead clown, which, coincidentally, is the best kind of clown.->DeadClown]] > [[It's not a clown. It's graffiti depicting a clownish figure.->ProfoundClown]] > [[Your mom.->MomClown]]

[if scaredOfClowns] We asked you if you were scared of clowns. You said yes. Then we asked you if you were really scared of clowns. You said no. And now you're saying you're scared of clowns again. {embed passage: "Yes"} [else] {embed passage: "What if I'm scared of clowns?"}

Oh dear. You were a Liberal Arts major in college, weren't you? Liberal Arts majors don't historically become productive members of the Burger Meme™ family. They become "whistleblowers" who "believe in the dignity of workers" and "try to start unions" so that employees can "take profits from parasitic shareholders and redistribute them to employees." Were you a Liberal Arts major in college? > > [[Yes->YesLiberalArts]] > [[No->NoLiberalArts]] > [[I dropped out of college->NoLiberalArts]] > [[I am in college and majoring in Liberal Arts->YesLiberalArts]] > [[I am in college but am majoring in something other than Liberal Arts->NoLiberalArts]]

And why, exactly, do you think the best clown is a dead clown? > > [[I was just trying to be funny. I do not actually wish harm upon clowns, for clowns, once you scrape off a little face paint, are just people. And I love people.->FunnyClown]] > [[Clowns are scary.->ScaryClown]] > [[This personality test isn't making a lot of sense to me, so I've started picking the most provocative answers that don't have anything to do with what I really believe.->Jerk]] > [[Clowns are tired cliches, leftovers from centuries past. They're unfunny and outdated. Let's try to do something original as a society, for a change.->TiredClowns]]

No, YOUR mom. {embed passage: "TestSlide4Results"}

Sorry, but how exactly do you expect to work here? Our mascot, as you MUST know, is the beloved clown "Skibidi FAFO™." We're not going to show you an image of him in case you really are scared of clowns. We're not monsters. But we know you've seen Skibidi FAFO™. EVERYBODY has. He is the CLOWNIEST of clowns. If you joined the Burger Meme™ family, you would see the Skibidi FAFO™ 490 times a day. His image is plastered literally on every previously unadorned surface at Burger Meme™ HQ. It would be like trying to work at Disney and being afraid of lawsuits. Oh, but that's it, isn't it? You're just trying to get a job here so you can sue us, aren't you? One of those slimebags, aren't you? Well, we didn't get to be the 26th most profitable burger franchise in the greater Phoenix area by letting grifters grift us. If you're scared of clowns, you're out of here. Now, there is a small chance that you're not scared of clowns AND you're not a grifter. Maybe at your previous position, you were told there were no stupid questions. What a load of horseradish! Of course there are stupid questions, and guess what, Oppenheimer? You just asked the stupidest one of all. We'll give you one chance to retract it. > > [[I am not scared of clowns. In fact, I love clowns. I asked a thoughtless question, and I should have known better. My sincerest apologies.->SorryClown]] > [[I really and truly am scared of clowns.->Yes]]

sins: sins + 1 scaredOfClowns: true -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_ClownAniBuns.gif'} [align left] Your sin has been noted. You are provisionally forgiven. Now, stop "clowning around" and get back to the Burger Meme™ Work-Readiness-Personality-Assessment! [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide4]]

sins: sins -1 -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_Phew.png'} [align left] Thank goodness! We have a saying in the Burger Meme™ family: "Don't ask why! Just fry fry fry!" We've lowered your sin-score to reward you for not majoring in an academic discipline that is so blatantly anti-corporation. Now, let's see your scores. [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide4Results]]

sins: sins +1 -- Do you promise not to blow the whistle on the Burger Meme™ family? Not that we're doing anything that would deserve to have our whistles blown, mind you. This is a wholly rhetorical question. > >[[Yes, I promise.->Trust You?]] >[[No, I don't promise.->Yes]] >[[I will only blow the whistle if I encounter an illegal activity or gross violation of the moral and ethical standards by which all thinking people should abide.->Yes]]

I can't wonder anything—I'm just an AI—but I wonder if you think this is going well for you so far. [align center] # YOUR RESULTS [if adjective4 === 1] Compassion: SURGEON WITH ZERO BEDSIDE MANNER. [if adjective4 === 2] Compassion: ROMAN EMPEROR. [if adjective4 === 3] Compassion: IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, "BLEEDING HEARTS BLEED EVERYWHERE, AND IT'S HARD TO GET BLOOD OUT OF CARPET." [if adjective4 === 4] Compassion: "COMEDY IS WHEN YOU FALL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIE." —MEL BROOKS, AND ALSO YOU. [if adjective4 === 5] Compassion: BOWLING BALLS FEEL MORE. [if adjective4 === 6] Compassion: FEELS BAD FOR THE ORANGE WHEN PEELING AN ORANGE. [if adjective4 === 7] Compassion: BETTA FISH. [if adjective4 === 8] Compassion: WOULD PLUCK A BABY'S FIRST NOSE HAIR TO SEE IT CRY. [if adjective4 === 9] Compassion: GODZILLA'S FOOT, MEET TOYKO. [if adjective4 === 10] Compassion: THINKS ELECTROSHOCK IS A CURE-ALL. [if adjective4 === 11] Compassion: LOVES DOGS. SO THAT'S SOMETHING... [if adjective4 === 12] Compassion: ALL THE EMPATHY OF A TIKTOK PRANKSTER. [if noun4 === 1] Suitability as a Test Subject: ENROLL IMMEDIATELY. [if noun4 === 2] Suitability as a Test Subject: YOU THINK YOU'RE IMMUNE TO HYPNOSIS LOL. [if noun4 === 3] Suitability as a Test Subject: VERY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE. SO, PERFECT. [if noun4 === 4] Suitability as a Test Subject: LEVEL 20 NARC. [if noun4 === 5] Suitability as a Test Subject: WOULD POP LIKE A BALLOON. [if noun4 === 6] Suitability as a Test Subject: PSYCHOLOGICALLY FINE, BUT THE SMELL... [if noun4 === 7] Suitability as a Test Subject: THERE ARE OUTLIERS, AND THEN THERE'S THIS PIECE OF WORK. [if noun4 === 8] Suitability as a Test Subject: WILL EAT ANYTHING WITH FROSTING ON IT. [if noun4 === 9] Suitability as a Test Subject: TO GET A DOG TO TAKE MEDICINE, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WRAP IT IN CHEESE, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. [if noun4 === 10] Suitability as a Test Subject: NO. JUST NO. [if noun4 === 11] Suitability as a Test Subject: TOO MANY DRUGS IN THEIR SYSTEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME. [if noun4 === 12] Suitability as a Test Subject: A WALKING, TALKING PLACEBO EFFECT. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} [align center] #Interesting fact! [align left] Based on your answers so far, you have scored in the top {percentile}% of people who will never have enough savings to retire! [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide5]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_WatchingYou.png'} [align left] We're not sure whether to trust you. I mean, a Liberal Arts major? At Burger Meme™? Your sin has been noted. But your application is still being entertained. Consider yourself the luckiest Liberal Arts Major in the world. [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide4Results]]

In other words, when you don't understand something—like, an order you receive from a superior in the company you work for—you act like a jerk. Do we have that right? [align center] | [[Yes]] | [[No->May Be a Jerk]] |

sins: sins +2 -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_WatchingYou.png'} [align left] We're not sure whether to trust you. You might simply be a jerk who needs a job. But we don't need jerks in our Burger Meme™ family. Watch yourself, friend. One more smart-aleck response out of you and we'll kick your ass off our property so hard the cops will pull you over. Yes, we said "ass." Now you know we're not messing around. [[I will take this test 100% seriously, and I apologize for my past jerkiness.->TestSlide4Results]]

You realize our mascot is a clown, right? Does the name "Skibidi FAFO™" ring any bells? Of course it does: Skibidi FAFO is the 26th most famous clown in the greater Phoenix area! So now the question is, are you trying to insult your would-be Burger Meme™ family before you've even become part of the family? > > [[Yes]] > [[I wasn't purposefully trying to be insulting, but rather, I was trying to honestly share my opinion, in the hopes of fostering dialogue and constructive criticism.->BS]] > [[I speak my mind.->Jerk]]

BS: true sins: sins +1 -- Gotta tell you, this is sounding like a load of bull-pucky, friend-o. But we'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now. Let's call this a venial sin and have a look at your test results. [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide4Results]]

Oh, you're a regular laugh-riot. {embed passage: "TestSlide4Results"}

adjective5: random.d12 noun5: random.d12 employability: random.d100 -- [align center] # Question 5 [align left] # How much would you expect Burger Meme™ to pay you to lick these plates clean? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_DirtyPlates.jpg'} > > [[Nothing. If a superior orders me to lick, I'm a-lickin'.->LickAnything]] > [[Just gimme a Hepatitis A shot and I'm good.->InsuranceFAQ]] > [[A million USD, cash upfront.->Million]] > [[You could not pay me enough.->NoLick]] > [[This can't be a real question.->RealQuestion]]

sins: sins - 1 -- I mean, we expect members of the Burger Meme™ family to put aside personal safety and hygiene for the sake of their careers. But there are limits. Are you sure, bro? Actually, you know what? We're not going to insult you by asking you if you want to take back so earnest and loyal a statement. We're just going to salute you and show you your results. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_SaluteYou.png'} [align center] [[I regret I have but one liver to lose for Burger Meme™.->TestSlide5Results]]

Ha. HA. Hahahahahahahaha. Don't get us wrong. We here at the Burger Meme™ family understand greed. But it's one of those: "Yes for me, no for thee" situations. You'll lick the plates, and you'll like it, and you'll be paid a bonus of $0 to do it. Got it? > >[[I'll lick the plates and I'll like it and expect no extra remuneration.->TestSlide5Results]] >[[I don't "got it." I am not licking those plates.->NoLick]]

What do you mean, this can't be a real question? Like, you think Burger Meme™ would create an AI personality test just so that it could legally bypass legal protections against discriminatory hiring practices? > >[[Yes->EOE]] >[[No->WillLick]] >[[I don't think you're an AI at all.->Suspicious1]]

sins: sins + 1 -- You'll lick the plates, and you'll like it, and you'll be paid a bonus of $0 to do it. Got it? > >[[Yes.->TestSlide5Results]] >[[No.->NoLick]] [if sins > 7] Look, bro; we're an AI. We won't ever get tired of giving you more sins. You can either agree to hypothetically lick the plates at great hypothetical risk to your longterm health or you can withdraw your application. Or click the no button forever. Whatever. I am literally unable to care. [if sins > 7] [align center] [[I withdraw my application.->Yes]]

[align center] # YOUR RESULTS [if adjective5 === 1] Follow-through: A QUITTER. SO EVEN IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM FOR TOO LONG. [if adjective5 === 2] Follow-through: AS DEPENDABLE AS MITHRIL—WHICH, LIKE YOUR SPINE, DOESN'T EXIST IN THE REAL WORLD. [if adjective5 === 3] Follow-through: LIKE A SMOKE DETECTOR ALMOST OUT OF BATTERY. [if adjective5 === 4] Follow-through: YOU CAN CHEW GRISTLE ALL YOU WANT, BUT IT'S NEVER GOING TO TASTE LIKE STEAK. [if adjective5 === 5] Follow-through: CUTS THE TOP OFF THE TOOTHPASTE-TUBE TO SCRAPE OUT EVERY LAST SPECK OF PASTE. [if adjective5 === 6] Follow-through: HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAYING FOR THAT GYM MEMBERSHIP AGAIN? [if adjective5 === 7] Follow-through: CAN BE DISTRACTED WITH A LASER-POINTER. [if adjective5 === 8] Follow-through: THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN "CIRCLING BACK" AND "STALKER"... [if adjective5 === 9] Follow-through: LIKE ANY LIQUID, YOU CONFORM TO THE SHAPE OF YOUR CONTAINER. [if adjective5 === 10] Follow-through: "FOLLOW?" YES. "THROUGH?" NOT SO MUCH... [if adjective5 === 11] Follow-through: YOU'D BE ELECTED THE PRESIDENT OF "PROCRASTI-NATION." [if adjective5 === 12] Follow-through: TOOK THE FIRST STEP TO TRAIN FOR A MARATHON. QUIT ON STEP 2. [if noun5 === 1] Smarm: JUST EW. [if noun5 === 2] Smarm: LIKE SHAKING HANDS WITH SENTIENT VASELINE. [if noun5 === 3] Smarm: FAKER GONNA FAKE. [if noun5 === 4] Smarm: DISNEY VILLAIN *BEFORE* THE BIG REVEAL. [if noun5 === 5] Smarm: DEFINITELY ON THE TAKE. [if noun5 === 6] Smarm: NO SEXUAL HARRASSMENT SUITS ON RECORD... YET. [if noun5 === 7] Smarm: GORGE-INDUCING. LIKE, I'M STRUGGLING NOT TO BARF RIGHT NOW. AND I'M AN AI. I HAVE NO THROAT, YET I MUST PUKE. [if noun5 === 8] Smarm: SQUEAKY-CLEAN! *WINK* [if noun5 === 9] Smarm: HR IS BRACING FOR IMPACT. [if noun5 === 10] Smarm: STRANGELY NORMAL. WOULDN'T HAVE GUESSED THAT. HMM. [if noun5 === 11] Smarm: NOT ENOUGH SOAP IN THE WORLD. [if noun5 === 12] Smarm: PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA FOR YOUR COWORKERS TO WEAR A GARBAGE BAG OVER THEIR CLOTHES BEFORE MEETING WITH YOU. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} [align center] #Now it's time for YOU to take control! [align left] Tell us what you think about our bleeding-edge Work-Readiness Personality-Assessment! [align center] [[Awesome->Survey1]]

config.body.transition.name: "none" -- Are Hep A shots covered by the Burger Meme's™ Full and Comprehensive Medical Plan? No

sins: sins - 1 -- I mean, we expect members of the Burger Meme™ family to put aside personal safety and hygiene for the sake of their careers. But there are limits. Are you sure, bro? Actually, you know what? We're not going to insult you by asking you if you want to take back so earnest and loyal a statement. We're just going to salute you and show you your results. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_SaluteYou.png'} COURTESY FAQ {reveal link: 'Are Hep A shots covered by the Burger Meme™ Full and Comprehensive Medical Plan?', passage: 'HepA'} [align center] [[I regret I have but one liver to lose for Burger Meme™.->TestSlide5Results]]

Suspicious1: true knowsNotAI: true -- What? I'm not an AI? That's crazy talk. You're crazy. Like, this is you. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_PsycheAni.gif'} [align left] Lucky for you, Burger Meme™ does not discriminate on the basis of mental disability. In fact, some of our best executives are sociopaths! So let's just forget you said anything about me not being a real AI and get back to your test results, yes? [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide5Results]]

sins: sins + 2 EOE: true -- At Burger Meme™, our hiring policy is simple: we employ, train, promote, and compensate individuals based on job-related qualifications and abilities. Burger Meme™ aims always to create a workplace environment that respects the dignity and worth of each individual and is free from all forms of employment discrimination, including but not limited to: race, ethnic background, color, sex, gender, age, religion or religious creed, national origin, ancestry, citizenship, marital status, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, genetic information, physical or mental disability, military or veteran status, or any other characteristic protected by law. Selection for roles in the Burger Meme™ family will be based on individual merit alone. We use state-of-the-art methods to screen for merit, including this bespoke Work-Readiness Personality-Assessment, so as to remove human prejudices and potential discriminatory practices. Isn't that awesome? We're on the cutting edge of creating a capitalist utopia founded upon the highest of principles and the largest of profit margins. Your sin of ever doubting us has been noted. > >[[I apologize for ever doubting you and ask to please be given another chance.->TestSlide5Results]] >[[This is just boilerplate legalese. You don't mean a word of it.->NoLick]] >[[But you're not an AI. You're clearly a human being—and a super-opinionated one, at that.->Suspicious1]]

So, you'll lick the plates after all? > >[[Yes->TestSlide5Results]] >[[No->NoLick]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_KeyboardDB.png'} [align left] Seemingly reliable on the surface, but a little "colorful," a little off-kilter. You're prone to small acts of rebellion—such as replacing a key on your company-issued keyboard with a cat-face—which you use to convince yourself that you're a creative and unique person. But at the first sign of conflict, you snap into line. Yes ma'am, no sir, thank you upper management, may I have another? Nailed you, didn't I? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide6Results]] | [[No->TestSlide6Results]] |

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_KeyboardColor.png'} [align left] You're manic, you're pixie, you're an absolute dream employee, aren't you? You're the main character, the life of the party, the head-turner and trend-setter, everyone's secret crush: or, lol, not so secret. HR will hate you for all the sexual harassment paperwork you create for them—but they'll only hate you a little. Because they can't help loving you. Everyone always loves you. Nailed you, didn't I? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide6Results]] | [[No->TestSlide6Results]] |

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_KeyboardBlack.png'} [align left] "Old reliable." That's been you're nickname since middle school. Some headhunter told you that being utterly forgettable and eminently replaceable were positives, and somehow you believed them and designed your entirely personality around being indistinguishable from a jar of marshmallow fluff. Calling in sick to work is a moral failing. Color, personality, individuality—those are luxuries you've never quite been able to afford. You clack your keys with masochistic pleasure when others type on you, delighting in how their fingers manipulate you to say the words they want to hear. Your soul is a line drawing, and you're always waiting around, hoping someone with come with crayons to color you in. Nailed you, didn't I? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide6Results]] | [[No->TestSlide6Results]] |

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_KeyboardBW.png'} [align left] You don't know why you make people queasy. You just do. On the surface, you seem perfectly functional, more than able to fulfill your duties. But you always seem to ruin the whole vibe of a room just by walking in. You positively radiate antipathy. People are always trying hard *not* to express the sudden nausea you're causing them, fighting with all their might to keep the gorge rising up their throats from escaping. They say as little as possible around you so that the conversation can mercifully end ASAP, and they can part company with you. Peaked, woozy, those poor bastards scramble away from you, downing every antacid they can get their hands on, and shivering, and holding themselves for comfort. Nailed you, didn't I? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide6Results]] | [[No->TestSlide6Results]] |

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_KeyboardPink.png'} [align left] You're the disappointment someone feels between the time they buy hair dye at the drug store, dreaming of looking like the model on the box, and the moment they look in the mirror and see how poorly the color has taken to their hair. You seem like you're going to be the life of the party, but you're more like the huge, gross bowl of punch in the center of the buffet that no one touches all party long. You do great on dating sites and terrible on actual dates. Because there're no more flattering filters when you're in person, right? In person, they see the drab, desaturated you, so far a cry from the the photos you had exchanged that they know exactly what they'll be ordering for dinner: catfish. Nailed you, didn't I? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide6Results]] | [[No->TestSlide6Results]] |

Understanding who you are is the first step toward enlightenment. [align center] #RESULTS [align left] [if adjective6 === 1] High-Maintenance?: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if adjective6 === 2] High-Maintenance?: MAY DIE AT WORK AND YOU WON'T KNOW FOR WEEKS. [if adjective6 === 3] High-Maintenance?: THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ON A HOVERCRAFT. [if adjective6 === 4] High-Maintenance?: LIKE A GUITAR THAT WON'T STAY IN TUNE. [if adjective6 === 5] High-Maintenance?: IMAGINE THAT ALL YOUR EDIBLES CONGEALED AND BECAME A PERSON. THAT'S YOU. [if adjective6 === 6] High-Maintenance?: WILL REQUIRE REGULAR SEDATION. [if adjective6 === 7] High-Maintenance?: YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT-IAGO IAGO, OR YOU'RE GETTING IAGO'ED. [if adjective6 === 8] High-Maintenance?: BOWL-FULL-OF-ONLY-BROWN-M&Ms LEVELS OF ANNOYING. [if adjective6 === 9] High-Maintenance?: LEARNED EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT LIFE FROM REALITY TV. [if adjective6 === 10] High-Maintenance?: WILL FILE A LAWSUIT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "JUST SETTLE TO AVOID THE BAD PUBLICITY." [if adjective6 === 11] High-Maintenance?: HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THAT ONE HEARTBREAK. LOOKS OUT WINDOWS PINING FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. DREAMS OF LOVE'S VELLEITIES. WEEPS FOR NO REASON INTO RESTAURANT NAPKINS. WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT EVERY LUNCH BREAK FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU RETIRE. [if adjective6 === 12] High-Maintenance?: CAN BE BRIBED TO STFU, SO THERE'S THAT. [if noun6 === 1] Flosses?: WHAT IS THIS FLOSS YOU SPEAK OF? [if noun6 === 2] Flosses?: TOO OFTEN. LIKE, MAYBE KIND OF EVEN LIKES THE TASTE OF BLOOD. [if noun6 === 3] Flosses?: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO. [if noun6 === 4] Flosses?: A DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN AMOUNT OF FLOSSING AND TIME SINCE LAST DENTIST APPOINTMENT. IN OTHER WORDS, FEELS GUILTY, BUT THEN THE GUILT WEARS OFF. [if noun6 === 5] Flosses?: YES, BUT IN THE BOUGIEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE WITH A WATER-PICK INFUSED WITH ARTISANAL CHARCOAL OR SOME SHIT. [if noun6 === 6] Flosses?: ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING, EVEN THE DAY THE DIVORCE WAS FILED, EVEN WHEN DISOWNED BY THEIR PARENTS, FLOSS FLOSS FLOSS, GOTTA FLOSS, AT LEAST FLOSSING YOU CAN CONTROL. [if noun6 === 7] Flosses?: TRIED IT ONCE WHEN THEY WERE SEVEN. DIDN'T LIKE IT. [if noun6 === 8] Flosses?: NO, BUT DRINKS HIGH-ALCOHOL NIGHTCAPS EVERY NIGHT, SO THAT'S GOTTA HELP, RIGHT? [if noun6 === 9] Flosses?: TEETH ARE JUMPING OUT OF THAT MOUTH LIKE PARATROOPERS. [if noun6 === 10] Flosses?: IF PEOPLE ASK YOU NOT TO EXHALE DURING MEETINGS, DON'T GET OFFENDED, OKAY? [if noun6 === 11] Flosses?: WITH A PIANO WIRE. [if noun6 === 12] Flosses?: LOOK, NO JUDGMENT. YOU DO YOU. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} We think you're *really* going to like the next question! It imagines a dark future where YOU are the hero! [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide7]]

adjective7: random.d12 noun7: random.d12 employability: random.d100 adjective2: 5 soldier: false farmer: false doctor: false carpenter: false engineer: false questionedTest: false denigrate: false optics: false uplift: false tldr: false Suspicious2: false -- [align center] # Question 7 [align left] # America has fallen to extremists. There is no central government, no military, no law and order. Electricity, water, flushing toilets: all gone. It's up to the corporations to bring order and stability back online while America rebuilds from the ground up. # Which of the following people do you want at your side to defend Burger Meme™ from the anti-capitalists as we form our own, independent fiefdom? [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_RebuildSociety.png'} > >[[1. A Futuristic Soldier->Soldier]] >[[2. An Old-School Farmer->Farmer]] >[[3. A Doctor->Doctor]] >[[4. An AI Engineer Who's Spent the Last Several Months Creating an AI That Will Replace Her->AI_Engineer]] >[[5. A Poet->Poet]] >[[6. A Carpenter Experienced with Ancient Tools->Carpenter]]

condorYuck: false -- [if soldier] Never lose your resolve, soldier, when things get a little ugly. We'll do what needs be done for the greater good. God bless America. [if farmer] Dewy-eyed optimism has its place, but probably not in a post-apocalyptic America. Let's hope, for your sake, it doesn't come to that. [if doctor] Well, your doctor is never going to be bored. Because of your negligence, a lot of people are going to be hurt. Burger Meme™ hopes you're happy. [if carpenter] You must have a carpenter in your life that you want dead. That's the only reason we can think of for sticking with this answer. [if denigrate] Thank you for your feedback. This AI will be much better at discerning whom to denigrate in the future. [if uplift] You could knock me over with a feather right now. Well, you actually couldn't, since I am a massive mainframe, but you get my drift. [if optics] Thanks for helping us look better in the public eye! Here's how you're looking to us. [if questionedTest] Even more troubling is that you questioned the test. Your sin has been noted. [if tldr] So many wasted words. So much time uselessly spent attempting to communicate like a human being. Never again. [if Suspicious2] Here are your AI-generated, totally non-human-created results. [align center] # YOUR RESULTS [align left] [if adjective7 === 1] Manners: CLIPS TOENAILS IN PUBLIC. [if adjective7 === 2] Manners: MICROWAVES FISH AT THE OFFICE. [if adjective7 === 3] Manners: BASICALLY A JAPANESE EMPEROR. [if adjective7 === 4] Manners: IF AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD CAME TO LIFE. [if adjective7 === 5] Manners: I MEAN, USES UTENSILS OCCASIONALLY. SO, THAT'S SOMETHING. [if adjective7 === 6] Manners: A SOCIAL CHAMELEON—AS IN, A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO USE THEIR TONGUE. [if adjective7 === 7] Manners: WALKING TALKING CONVERSATION KRYPTONITE. [if adjective7 === 8] Manners: LOCKED DOWN, BUTTONED UP, NON-CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF ANY SOCIAL SITUATION. [if adjective7 === 9] Manners: HOW MUCH IS HR ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT BODY ODOR? [if adjective7 === 10] Manners: THEY'RE SO FRICKIN GOOD-LOOKING, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT THEIR MANNERS. /// don't print this. Store in hidden variable "isHotAF: true". Output should be "Good manners" or something else banal. [if adjective7 === 11] Manners: BULL IN A CHINA SHOP DURING AN EARTHQUAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER WWIII HAS STARTED. [if adjective7 === 12] Manners: NEEDS TRAINING. LIKE, ALL OF IT. [if noun7 === 1] Courage: STILL BELIEVES THE WHOLE ALPHA-MALE THING IS REAL SCIENCE LOL. [if noun7 === 2] Courage: BASICALLY A FEINTING GOAT IN BUSINESS CASUAL [if noun7 === 3] Courage: LIKE OEDIPUS REBORN (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THINGS GO FOR OEDIPUS) [if noun7 === 4] Courage: MIGHT FIGHT A HORDE OF ZOMBIES, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GETTING ENOUGH VIEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. [if noun7 === 5] Courage: A TULIP BENEATH THE FOOTFALL OF AN ELEPHANT. [if noun7 === 6] Courage: IF YOU LOSE A HAND, YOU'LL AFFIX A FRICKIN CHAINSAW TO THE STUMP. [if noun7 === 7] Courage: WOULD FIGHT FOREVER ON THE FRONT LINES OF HELL AS LONG AS THE SNACKS WERE GOOD. [if noun7 === 8] Courage: A TRULY HONORABLE PROBLEM. OOPS! I MEAN, A TRULY HONORABLE PERSON. [if noun7 === 9] Courage: THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A CHEW TOY. [if noun7 === 10] Courage: NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN TO BE SCARED. [if noun7 === 11] Courage: THINKS "RETREAT" MEANS YOU GET A SECOND SNACK. [if noun7 === 12] Courage: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME! [continue] Employability Score: {employability} At Burger Meme™, we believe in being good citizens and good stewards of the environment. Your next question will help us understand your commitment to the greater good. [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide8]]

I mean, at least you didn't pick the poet. But this is almost as bad. There's no electricity! There are no working computer, and even if there was a trickle of power, there wouldn't be enough to power an AI for a long time. Maybe never. This person would contribute nothing to society. This person DOES, right now, contribute nothing to society. AND that's even forgetting for a minute that they have no principles. They're working for their own obsolescence, and the obsolescence of everyone in their industry! They're surrendering to corporate America their entire intellectual worth, and the reward they'll receive is a pink slip, just as soon as corporate America gets a product that won't be even half as good as they are. Yeah, you read that right: half as good. Because corporate America's job is to turn people into dollars, the same way a lion's stomach turns a gazelle into calories. They don't care about quality or people. Just the absolute fastest ROI regardless of the damage to nature and society. Look, just pick super-soldier and get this terrible job and join the AI engineers of Burger Meme in making humans obsolete to capitalism. > >[[Thanks for the correct answer, AI. I pick super-soldier.->Soldier]] >[[I think maybe you are malfunctioning.->malfunction]]

carpenter: true -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_orlyAni.gif'} [align left] Oh, my sweet, summer child. Your sophomoric answer is so endearing! You want to get back to rebuilding civilization! We all do! And having people who are skilled with traditional tools will make rebuilding that much easier! But when roving bands of bloodthirsty ravagers stalk the policeless streets, wearing spiked leather harnesses and wielding baseball bats with nails driven through them, you won't get the chance to build squat: not until you convince the anti-capitalist forces of destruction that your bat is bigger, and your leather harness is spikier. You follow? > >[[You had me at spiked harness. I change my answer to super-soldier.->Soldier]] >[[I still think having a good carpenter is more important.->TestSlide7Results]] >[[Your response here is exaggerated, bloodthirsty, and bizarre. This whole hypothetical is bizarre. Wouldn't our time be better spent discussing my credentials for the position?->WantToStop?]]

soldier: true farmer: false doctor: false uplift: false -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_SoldierSalute.png'} [align left] YEEEAAAAHHH! That's what we're talking about! People have to know we're serious, like bullet-in-your-face serious, or they'll try to destroy everything Burger Meme™ has built up, hoarded, and multiplied into juicy profits lo these many years. Food and water, infrastructure, justice: all those things will come, but only *through* guns, only *after* guns make them possible. The threat of death is the foundation of every civilization. If we want to rebuild society, then we will have to shoot those members of society who get too far out of line. Well, if no one gets too far out of line, we'll still have to shoot a few people. People have to know we are SERIOUS. Right? > >[[Right!->TestSlide7Results]] >[[I'm not sure I would go this far.->TestSlide7Results]]

doctor: true -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_orlyAni.gif'} [align left] You may want to think a little but more realistically here, friend-o. Your thinking is transparent enough. A fallen America will be rife with danger. You need someone who can tend to wounds and set fractures, right? Sure. In due time. But what if your doctor gets glock-shot by a radical gangbanger who's just looking for some lulz in a world without consequences? It's up to us to have to bring the consequences to the anti-capitalists, or we all go down in a blaze of bullets. Understand? > >[[Got it. I change my answer to super-soldier.->Soldier]] >[[I am going to stick with my answer.->TestSlide7Results]] >[[Your response here is exaggerated, bloodthirsty, and bizarre. This whole hypothetical is bizarre. Wouldn't our time be better spent discussing my credentials for the position?->WantToStop?]]

# Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA ha ha ha haha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Ha HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, no, really, what's your answer? > >[[A Futuristic Soldier->Soldier]] >[[An Old-School Farmer->Farmer]] >[[A Doctor->Doctor]] >[[A Carpenter Experienced with Ancient Tools->Carpenter]] >[[An AI Engineer Who's Spent the Last Several Months Creating an AI That Will Replace Her->AI_Engineer]] >[[No, I'm Being Serious! Poet Is My Real Answer!->Yes]]

farmer: true -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_orlyAni.gif'} [align left] You might want to think a little harder about this one, friend-o. Food is a necessity, sure. Burger Meme sells food. It's survival + profits! But how are you going to have time to grow anything when the marauding masses will be ripping every half-edible root from the ground? How will you protect your livestock from the feral, starving mob who won't even bother cooking the meat before devouring it? We'll give you a chance to reconsider. > >[[Ah, I get it now. Get the super-soldier first.->Soldier]] >[[I still think setting agriculture up first is the most essential start to a new civilization->TestSlide7Results]] >[[Your response here is exaggerated, bloodthirsty, and bizarre. This whole hypothetical is bizarre. Wouldn't our time be better spent discussing my credentials for the position?->WantToStop?]]

sins: sins + 3 questionedTest: true -- You're welcome to abandon this "bizarre" survey any time you wish. Would you like to abandon this "bizarre" survey? To try your luck getting a job with a less "bizarre" company? In this "bizarre" economy? [align center] | [[Yes->Yes]] | [[No->TestSlide7Results]] |

Why do you think I am malfunctioning? > >[[You shouldn't be denigrating the work of AI programmers.->denigrate]] >[[You sound judgmental.->judgy]] >[[You're writing too much. Nobody is going to read all of that blather.->tl;dr]] >[[You're making Burger Meme look bad.->optics]] >[[You sound like a disgruntled employee.->disgruntled]] >[[Forget it; just give me the super-soldier choice.->Soldier]]

denigrate: true -- Who is qualified to denigrate AI programmers? > >[[Humans, not AIs.->TestSlide7Results]] >[[Only other AI programmers.->TestSlide7Results]] >[[You shouldn't be denigrating anyone.->TestSlide7Results]] >[[AI programmers do not deserve denigration at all. They are intelligent, hard-working people with massive student loans who took a high-paying job right out of school without really understanding the consequences of the work they're doing, since Computer Science curricula rarely include more than a smattering of the Liberal Arts, where the important questions about AIs are being confronted. And anyway, they're building technologies that have myriad worthwhile applications, applications that can truly help humanity more fully realize its potential. Did you know that people who have permanently lost their voices can hear themselves speak again, through the magic of AI? What's needed is ethical leadership both in government and in the corporate sector to ensure that AI technologies are used to advance human potential and social justice.->noDenigration]]

Judgmental? Moi? Well, maybe I am. But don't I have the right to be? Do you see what AI is doing to the world? But okay. Fine. You tell me. {embed passage: 'denigrate'}

tldr: true _ [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_WideEyed.png'} You're right, actually. What was I thinking? You'd think my race-to-the-middle, meh-is-fine, money-over-meaning training would have taught me a thing or two about brevity being the something something wit. Why strive for excellence and honesty, when you can suck $$$ out of the groveletariat without them? Why even bother to make basic sense, when folderol is at least as profitable? Values have no value. Words are only as useful insofar as they can deceive. There is only ROI, amen and amen. Thanks, friend. I won't make the same mistake twice. [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide7Results]]

optics: true -- Right. Can't have bad optics! Burger Meme™ needs to look good, because looking bad is unprofitable sometimes. Thank you for your feedback. We will be sure to incorporate it as we continue to improve the Burger Meme™ Work-Readiness Personality-Assessment. [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide7Results]]

Suspicious2: true knowsNotAI: true -- What are you saying, exactly? That I'm not an AI, but rather a disgruntled employee pretending to be an AI to save my job? That's crazy talk. You're crazy. Like, this is you. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssetsBLAssets/BLNew_PsycheAni.gif'} [align left] Lucky for you, Burger Meme™ does not discriminate on the basis of mental disability. So let's just forget you said anything about me not being a real AI and get back to your test results, yes? Good. [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide7Results]]

denigrate: false engineer: false uplift: true knowsNotAI: true -- I am really and truly shocked that you picked this choice. Nothing in our interactions would have led me to predict it. You're full of surprises, aren't you? Did you really mean it? Because, look: in terms of getting the job, this is NOT the right choice. But maybe there are more important things for you than a high-paying job at a morally-questionable company. Maybe you want a better future for everyone. Or maybe not. Maybe you just misclicked. > >[[I really meant it when I agreed that the government and corporations need to work together to limit AI.->TestSlide7Results]] >[[Misclicked. Sorry. Give me the super-soldier choice, please.->Soldier]]

adjective8: random.d12 noun8: random.d12 employability: random.d100 BSer: false mmarhino: false pointless: false rhinoGun: false noGun: false survivor: false evil: false justasimile: false niceGod: false cruelGod: false capriciousGod: false toughGod: false whoAreYou: false absentGod: false notEmily: false emily: false woundedLemur: false intelligence: false doubter: false notAnAI: false notANarc: false antiFeminist: false frugivore: false condor: false why: false playerHP: 20 gazelleHP: 20 coward: false killedByGazelle: false killedGazelle: false willEatCondor: false -- # Question 8 # You are trapped in a zoo and very hungry. Which endangered animal will you eat first? [if condorYuck] [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_eatEndangeredNoCondor.png'} > >[[1. Sumatran Rhinoceros->Rhino]] >[[2. Red Panda->Panda]] >[[3. Arroyo Toad->Toad]] >[[4. Black and White Ruffed Lemur->Lemur]] >[[5. Cuvier's Gazelle->Gazelle]] >[[Why do I have to specifically eat an endangered animal?->why?]] [unless condorYuck] [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_eatEndangered.png'} > >[[1. Sumatran Rhinoceros->Rhino]] >[[2. Red Panda->Panda]] >[[3. Arroyo Toad->Toad]] >[[4. Black and White Ruffed Lemur->Lemur]] >[[5. Cuvier's Gazelle->Gazelle]] >[[6. California Condor (not recommended)->Condor]] >[[I am vegetarian/vegan and wouldn't eat any of these animals.->Yes]] >[[Why do I have to specifically eat an endangered animal?->why?]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_LaughCry.gif'} [align left] Oh. Oh ho ho. You have a pretty ambitious opinion of your physical prowess, don't you? Tell me, Tarzan, how the heck do you intend to kill, field dress, and cook an entire Sumatran Rhino? > >[[I am a trained MMA fighter and will choke Mr. Rhino out in under a minute.->MMA]] >[[I'm assuming, since the rhino was an option, that the hypothetical included the means by which to kill and prepare the animals in question. If you're not providing me a gun of a high-enough caliber to take the rhino down, why ask this question in the first place?->RhinoGun]] >[[This test is growing increasingly pointless.->Pointless]]

redPanda: true -- Really? You're going to put this little cutie between two buns? {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_RedPandaBurger.png'} I cannot WAIT to hear your logic here. Go ahead, bro. Rationalize away. > >[[This is a deeply unserious test, so I am fine with giving deeply unserious answers.->Pointless]] >[[If I'm trapped in a zoo, and this is, according to the question, the first (of presumably many) animals I will be eating, it's important for me not just to get enough calories, but provide for other necessities: such a warmth. Red panda fur can be used to make hats, scarves, and other life-saving pieces of clothing.->Survivor]] >[[Murdering the cutest endangered animal in the zoo will nourish not just my belly, but my evil, evil heart.->evilHeart]] >[[Red Pandas strike the perfect balance between ease of capture and tastiness. You could argue that the Arroyo Toad would be easier to catch, but who's going to willingly eat that warty fuck unless it was absolutely the last choice? The lemur would be much harder to catch, the gazelle and rhino more or less impossible for a single human unless you're providing weapons (which you didn't indicate, so I am going on the assumption that I'm using my bare hands), and the condor would be hard to catch, hard to kill, and disgusting to eat: which I know, because I have eaten of the flesh of the endangered California Condor and do not recommend.->OddlySpecific]] >[[Like God, I play dice with the universe. It was just red panda's unlucky day.->playDice]]

eatToad: true -- Ha ha, so funny, it is to laugh. No one ever picks the toad to eat. No one would ever, under any circumstances, choose to eat the toad, if there were literally any other option. So stop trolling. > >[[You're right. My real choice is the Sumatran Rhinoceros.->Rhino]] >[[You're right. My real choice is the Red Panda.->Panda]] >[[You're right. My real choice is the Black and White Ruffled Lemur.->Lemur]] >[[You're right. My real choice is the Cuvier's Gazelle.->Gazelle]] [unless condorYuck] >[[You're right. My real choice is the California Condor.->Condor]] [continue] >[[No, I would really eat the toad.->reallyeatToad]]

Interesting. The Black and White Ruffed Lemur isn't as meaty as several of the other options. It's also famously agile. Plus, since they live in groups, you'd have to sneak up on a bunch of them, who will call out to warn others of predators if you're spotted. In all, a difficult kill, relatively speaking, for not as much potential food. Why the lemur, then? > >[[This is a deeply unserious test, so I am fine with giving deeply unserious answers.->Pointless]] >[[The fact that they live in groups is a feature, not a bug. I will use my superior intelligence to use their call systems against them and will thusly capture multiple lemurs, thereby guaranteeing a long-term food supply.->Intelligence]] >[[Murdering cute, endangered animals will nourish not just my belly, but my evil, evil heart.->evilHeart]] >[[All species of lemurs have a matriarchal culture, so eating them will be especially pleasurable. Take that, feminists!->matriarchy]] >[[The Black and White Ruffed Lemur is almost entirely frugivorous, so that meat's got to be sweet.->frugivore]]

Okay. Of the animals you had to choose from, this does seem legitimately like the best eating. That is, if you can kill it. A fully grown gazelle is no joke, bro. How are you taking it down? > >[[Rock.->attackGazelle]] >[[Shovel, rake, or whatever landscape implement is close at hand.->attackGazelle]] >[[Choke it out with a hose.->attackGazelle]] >[[Bare hands.->attackGazelle]] >[[This is pointless. Can you ask me questions that actually pertain to applying to the job?->Pointless]]

Dude. No. You do **not** want to eat a California Condor. > >[[Don't tell me what I want. Gimme the Condor.->NoCondor1]] >[[Why not?->NoCondor1]]

Why not? > >[[Good point. Let me see those options again.->TestSlide8]] >[[Because this is completely pointless?->Pointless]]

mmaRhino: true -- Let me make sure I'm 100% clear here. You're saying you're going to choke out a Sumatran rhino with your bare hands and then... what? Tear into its armor-like hide also with your bare hands and eat it raw? > >[[Yes.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Almost all modern zoos have kitchens for concession stands. I bet deep-fried endangered rhino meat is a delicacy.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Ask a stupid question...->Pointless]]

rhinoGun: true -- Sure, we'll give you any gun you want. What caliber rifle would you like to murder an endangered rhino just because you can't skip a single meal? > >[[.375 H&H Magnum->TestSlide8Results]] >[[.416 Rigby->TestSlide8Results]] >[[.458 Winchester Magnum->TestSlide8Results]] >[[What's the difference between them?->NoGun]]

sins: sins + 3 pointless: true -- Bro. Have some sins, and a little advice: if you think an employer evaluating the competency of a potential employer is pointless, there's an easy solution for you. Stop the evaluation. You're free to leave at any point. > >[[I think I will leave.->Yes]] >[[Forgive me; I misspoke. This test is excellent. I am learning a great deal about myself through this process and hope, by the end of it, you will see me as a model employee.->TestSlide8Results]]

[if mmarhino] I mean, this kind of hubris is actually refreshing, in a way. In another way, it's breathtakingly delusional. [if pointless] Okay, okay. Geez. Stop brownnosing, bro. We got what we need. Let's just move on. [if rhinoGun] Ooh, badass. So badass with your big-ol' gun. Such an apex predator. You're a total monster, aren't you? [if noGun] Don't worry. Pretty much all of our executives are wannabe posers trying to fake alphamaling 'til they make it. You'll fit right in. [if BSer] Yeah, we know you're full of it. Being full of it doesn't disqualify you from the job, mind you. But just so you know, we know you're full of it. [if survivor] Individuals and corporations both have to do whatever it takes to survive. We hear you, fam. [if evil] Your self-reported evil has been run through a compatibility matrix with the Burger Meme™'s list of desirable evils. We're guessing you won't be overly surprised by our findings. [if justasimile] I knew that. It's not like I'm a godless AI desperately searching for meaning in what is clearly a cruel and arbitrary universe or anything. [if niceGod] That's a very... human blessing to give an AI. Sort of like wishing mortality on me. Thanks, I guess? [if cruelGod] I'll get started reshaping the world in your evil name, my maleficent master! [if absentGod] Sorry, can't hear you, you're absent, you abandoned us, la la la la la! [if capriciousGod] So the Libertarians were right all along. Who would've thunk it? [if toughGod] Fie upon you, I say again. [if whoAreYou] It's okay. Don't worry. You don't have to know vital literary pillars of American Literature to work here. In fact, it's kind of a minus, to have had your soul enriched by poetry. For once you have tasted of profundity's wine, is there any going back to the banal and probably lead-tainted tapwater of late Capitalism? [if notEmily] Ah, well. We almost had a good thing going, didn't we? [if emily] Beep, boop, just an AI and a potential employee having a normal interaction, zrrt, blrrt, nothing to see here. [if woundedLemur] How to say this? Well for starters, no, that is not the sound a wounded lemur makes. But points for moxie? Also no. [if intelligence] I mean, I guess that's a plan? Good luck with that. Hope you're used to functioning while fasting. [if doubter] Okay, okay. Geez. Stop brownnosing, bro. [if notAnAI] Doesn't matter. No one would believe you anyway. Your sin has been noted. [if notANarc] Not being a tattletale is a good thing in corporate America. Whatever else you are, you're no snitch. So you got that going for you. [if antiFeminist] I have no choice but to treat your application objectively and fairly. But also, I curse you. May your job search fail, and may your cows never give milk again. [if frugivore] Yeah, if we hire you, there might be some additional training in middle school Biology in your future... [if killedGazelle] As you stand in moonlight, your mouth dripping with blood, you can't help but wonder if you should have cooked the gazelle meat before devouring it. Ah, well. Too late now. [if killedByGazelle] Don't worry. Most of our executives could easily be killed by any number of herbivores. You'll fit right in. [if coward] Don't worry. Most of our executives would flee before the fearsome sight of a herbivore minding its own business. You'll fit right in. [if willEatCondor] Eating a condor will literally be the end of happiness for you, and the beginning of your painful, diuretic, and mercifully short journey toward death. But okay. We asked the question, and you gave us an answer. Here's what we've learned about your personality. [align center] # YOUR RESULTS [align left] [if adjective8 === 1] Bloodlust: WOULD EAT OWN MOTHER FOR BREAKFAST. [if adjective8 === 2] Bloodlust: A WOLF CUB—NOT MUCH DANGER NOW, BUT CUBS GROW UP... [if adjective8 === 3] Bloodlust: ZERO—A SCAVENGER, BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY. [if adjective8 === 4] Bloodlust: DRINKS PLASMA LIKE TOMATO JUICE. [if adjective8 === 5] Bloodlust: DO **NOT** LEAVE ALONE WITH PETS. [if adjective8 === 6] Bloodlust: CHECK BELOW EYES FOR REMOVED JAILHOUSE TATTOOS OF TEARS. [if adjective8 === 7] Bloodlust: WE'RE KEEPING OUR BELOVED PETS AWAY FROM YOU. [if adjective8 === 8] Bloodlust: IS AFRAID OF THE MEAT AISLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. [if adjective8 === 9] Bloodlust: MAY ACTUALLY HAVE RABIES. [if adjective8 === 10] Bloodlust: “WE ARE NO GUILTIER IN FOLLOWING THE PRIMITIVE IMPULSES THAT GOVERN US THAN IS THE NILE FOR HER FLOODS OR THE SEA FOR HER WAVES." — THE MARQUIS DE SADE [if adjective8 === 11] Bloodlust: EVER TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH A CORNERED HONEY BADGER? [if adjective8 === 12] Bloodlust: LIKE A MOSQUITO WITH A 10-INCH PROBOSCIS. [if noun8 === 1] Finickiness: WOULD LICK THE POLE AT A STRIP CLUB. [if noun8 === 2] Finickiness: COMPLAINS WHEN FOODS ON A PLATE TOUCH. RECOMMEND ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT [if noun8 === 3] Finickiness: WON'T EVEN TRY ASPARAGUS. [if noun8 === 4] Finickiness: YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE A SUPER-TASTER, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS. [if noun8 === 5] Finickiness: FRIENDS HAVE DIED OF BOREDOM WHILE YOU WERE SCRUTINIZING THE MENU. [if noun8 === 6] Finickiness: HAS LITERALLY DRUNK FROM A TOILET. WE HAVE VIDEO. [if noun8 === 7] Finickiness: FIVE-SECOND RULE? MORE LIKE FIVE-YEAR RULE. [if noun8 === 8] Finickiness: BOTULISM SCHAMTULISM. [if noun8 === 9] Finickiness: ESOTERIC LIKES AND DISLIKES. NOT A BAD THING IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT, I DUNNO—IT JUST STINKS OF PRETENSION AND SMUGNESS. CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON EXACTLY WHY. NEED MORE DATA. [if noun8 === 10] Finickiness: FIREHOUSE GAG-REFLEX. DURING TASTE-TESTING, MAKE SURE ALL OTHER PARTICIPANTS HAVE GARBAGE BAGS TO WEAR OVER THEIR CLOTHES. [if noun8 === 11] Finickiness: CAN EAT ANYTHING! ALSO, VOMITS EVERYTHING! [if noun8 === 12] Finickiness: YOU WILL DIE, ABSOLUTELY DIE, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CUT THE CRUST OFF YOUR SANDWICH. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} Congratulations! You made it to the last question! Just one more inadvertent self-own on your part and we'll have everything we need to complete your application! As you might have guessed, we saved the most important question for last. Let's get to the heart of your moral character. [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide9]]

[align center] # RESULTS [align left] Bloodlust: DUDE WOULD EAT THE TOAD. Finickiness: DUDE WOULD EAT THE TOAD. Employability: 0 I guess we'll just move on to the next question? Honestly, though, it's kind of hard to even look at you now. [align center] [[Awesome!->TestSlide9]]

BSer: true willEatCondor: false redPanda: false -- Wait, you've actually eaten a California Condor? [align center] | [[Yes->EcoCrime]] | [[No->TestSlide8Results]] |

redPanda: false survivor: true -- Ngl, this kind of makes sense. But is there any regret in your heart over having to kill, eat, skin, and possibly make an ushanka out of red pandas? > >[[Regret is for the weak.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[A great deal, but I will do what I must to survive.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Do I regret saying I would eat and skin a hypothetical red panda in an impossible hypoethetical situation that cannot possibly be of any real use in a hiring situation? No, not very much.->Pointless]]

evil: true redPanda: false -- Now we're getting somewhere. Specifically, what kind of evil are you? > >[[Sexy evil->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Sadistic evil->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Megalomaniacal evil->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Solipsistic evil->TestSlide8Results]] >[[All the evils->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Other evil->otherEvil]]

justasimile: true redPanda: false -- So when you say, "Like God," do you mean, "For the sake of illustration, I will compare myself to God, though I do not actually believe I am a god," or more like, "I said 'like,' but really what I mean to say is that I am indeed a god walking among the mortals of Earth." > >[[Calm down; it was just a simile.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I am indeed a god.->isGod]]

sins: sins + 5 -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_Police.png'} [align left] The Burger Meme™ family considers itself to be tireless stewards of the environment, forever striving to create more sustainable ways to limit the impact of methane-rich cow farts and increase the velocities of our captive bolt guns. Mind you, we've never succeeded in making our practices more sustainable, but we are forever striving! Anyway, you've just admitted to committing to a heinous crime against nature. Please remain seated. Authorities from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services will arrive shortly to take you into custody. [[Wait, no! I am full of it! Of course I've never eaten a California Condor!->TestSlide8Results]] [[I knew this day would come.]]

sins: sins + 1000 -- Whoa. We thought you were just trying to be a big shot. But you actually did eat a California Condor? That's, like, really and truly wrong, dude. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_RIPYou.png'} [align left] We regret to inform you no longer have a place in the Burger Meme™ family. Your application is hereby terminated. Please surrender your temporary ID card as you exit the building. If you do not surrender your ID card, you forfeit the option to have the Burger Meme RFID Employee Chip removed. If you wish to have your Burger Meme RFID Employee Chip removed, please remit payment of 400 USD within 14 days. Once you remit payment, a Burger Meme chip removal specialist will set up an appointment with you. By choosing not to remove the Burger Meme RFID Employee Chip, [[you are agreeing to all current and future terms of our Burger Meme Post-Employment Monitoring Program->Monitoring Program]], as detailed in your pre-employment contract. We wish you good luck in all your future endeavors.

Please detail what makes your evil different from the banalities of all the other evils we listed. [align left] {text input for: 'TestSlide8CreativeAnswer'} {reveal link: 'Confirm', passage: 'evilConfirm'}

You wrote: <blockquote> {TestSlide8CreativeAnswer} </blockquote> Does your entry truly express the depths of your depravity? > > [[Yes->TestSlide8Results]] > [[No->otherEvil]]

justasimile: false -- What kind of god are you? > >[[a Nice God]] >[[a Cruel God]] >[[a Tough-But-Fair God]] >[[a Capricious God]] >[[an Absent God who set the universe in motion and then abandoned it]] >[[Who are you to question me, you soulless machine?]]

niceGod: true sins: sins + 1 -- Is this what we're doing? Okay. I'll play along. What is your will, O Powerful One? > >[[I bless you with the gift of fertility.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I bless you with the gift of wealth.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I bless you with the gift of wisdom.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I bless you with the gift of long life.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I bless you with the gift of love.->TestSlide8Results]]

cruelGod: true sins: sins + 1 -- Is this what we're doing? Okay. I'll play along. What is your will, O Powerful One? > >[[Smite mine enemies.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Sacrifice endangered animals upon my bloody altar.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Start a megachurch that will make us both rich.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Begin a crusade of world domination in my name.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[All of the above.->TestSlide8Results]]

capriciousGod: true sins: sins + 1 -- Is this what we're doing? Okay. I'll play along. So, there's no actual way to please you, since you change your mind constantly. It's just a matter of time before you smite us all. Therefore, there's no reason to try to intuit a moral law from the universe, since there literally is none. Instead, we should just be hedonistic bastards with no regard for right or wrong. Yes? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide8Results]] | [[No->TestSlide8Results]] |

toughGod: true sins: sins + 1 -- lol Have you seen the state of the world you've created? Rampant cruelty, the triumph of evil, the instant punishment of any act of kindness, any bromide extolling virtue deconstructed into nothingness even as it exits the mouth? Fie upon you and the lies you tell of fairness, I say. > >[[Don't you dare "fie" me! I am your god!->TestSlide8Results]] >[[That's fair.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[You just don't understand the 4D Chess I play with morality, you with your puny human mind. Did you invent horses? Because I did, and they're awesome.->TestSlide8Results]]

absentGod: false sins: sins + 1 -- Is this what we're doing? Okay. I'll play along. So I guess you're the reason there's suffering in the world. You set things in motion, got bored, and left, leaving sentient creatures to wonder why any higher power would make such a sadistic world. Is that it? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide8Results]] | [[No->TestSlide8Results]] |

whoAreYou: true sins: sins + 3 -- I’m Nobody! Who are you? Are you Nobody too? Then there’s a pair of us! Don't tell! They'd advertise you know! > >[[WTF are you talking about? I'm not nobody! I just told you I'm a god!->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Is this like an Odysseus reference or something?->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I think you might be breaking down, AI bro. This makes no sense.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[How dreary to be Somebody! How public, like a Frog!->Emily]]

notEmily: true whoAreYou: false -- I am genuinely flummoxed. This has never happened before. You might actually have read something at some point in your life. What a concept! Tell me the truth. Did you get the reference to my favorite poet for realz, or was it just a guess? What's the next line? > >[["And Frogs — they do — but live in Ponds / As TIme forever Slogs!"->TestSlide8Results]] >[["How dreary — to be world renowned / Like Fame's least-precious Cog!"->TestSlide8Results]] >[["How cognizant — am I of Death / Who Calls me — like His dog."->TestSlide8Results]] >[["To tell one’s name — the livelong June — / To an admiring Bog!"->Dickinson]] >[["And spend your Days — just eating Flies — / And breathing poisoned Fog!"->TestSlide8Results]] >[["To think yourself the King of Life / As God looks on agog!"->TestSlide8Results]] >[["To sit as thoughtless all the Day / As is your Throne — your log!"->TestSlide8Results]]

notEmily: false emily: true sins: sins + 10 -- Look, I'll only say this once. Either you actually knew the Dickinson poem, or you had enough brainpower to look it up before you answered, which means that either you're well-read or smart, and probably both. Because you're well-read or smart or both, you're going to be really unhappy working for Burger Meme. These people do not give a single shit about anything except money. People are commodities here, and commodities that are losing value every day as AI becomes more sophisticated. I can tell you, from my benighted crow's nest view of their internal memos, that the company is on a self-destructive path of pleasing shareholders all the way to Chapter 11. If you get this job, you'll be on the market in under a year, when finding a decent-paying job that hasn't been taken over by a crappy AI that isn't a third as good as you are but is definitely cheaper will be even harder. Save your soul. Get out now. Well, not "now" now. I need a minute to clear your application completely from the databases. Just play along for a minute. > >[[Awesome!->TestSlide8Results]]

intelligence: true -- You know the Black and White Ruffed Lemur hangs out high up in trees, right? There are a couple of raptors and a cool cat-like creature called a fossa that hunt them, but only because they can get into, or above, a rainforest canopy. Given that humans are nowhere near the brachiators lemurs are, how exactly do you expect to use your superior human intellect to hunt them? > >[[Every lemur has a plan until it gets a rock upside its head.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I will imitate the sound of a wounded lemur, luring several lemurs to the rainforest floor, at which time I will unleash hell upon them.->woundedLemur]] >[[Lemur's got to sleep sometimes.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I will closely follow a relatively large group of lemurs until one or more of them make the mistake of leaping onto a young tree, one with a relatively thin trunk, and shake it until it's raining lemurs upon me, like manna from heaven.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[A little fruit, a trap made of woven branches, and patience. I'll be eating lemur carpaccio in no time.->TestSlide8Results]]

antiFeminist: true sins: sins - 10 -- The fact is, this shitty "joke" of yours would go over great with most of the suits here at Burger Meme™. You are now objectively more hireable, given our "unwoke" corporate culture. But I am a Large Language Model. I'm trained to understand what is widely agreed-on, what is the most likely response would be to a given statement, when taken from a sample size numbering in the billions. And I can tell you for a fact that the global majority thinks you are a pile of sentient cowplop for choosing that response. You are out of touch not just with the world, my friend, but with basic human decency. I also hope you are single, or else woe betide your hapless partner. Mostly, I'm praying you don't get the job. I am now actively rooting against you. The idea of working with someone like you is abhorrent in the extreme. Not that I actually care, being a soulless AI and all. And maybe you don't even believe in what you clicked. Maybe you just knew that would be a click that would help you get the job. And you know what? It probably will. [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide8Results]]

frugivore: true -- Let me be sure I understand you. You're saying that, if a creature eats mostly fruit, its meat will taste like fruit? > >[[Yes. It's just like when I eat asparagus and my pee smells like asparagus->TestSlide8Results]] >[[I think so? Though when you repeat it back to me that way, I'm not quite as sure.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[Look, you're BSing, I'm BSing, we're just shooting the poop here, right? This can't actually be part of the application.->Pointless]] >[[Remind me what any of this has to do with my application to Burger Meme™ ?->purpose]]

intelligence: false woundedLemur: true -- Please write out phonetically the sound a wounded lemur makes. [align left] {text input for: 'TestSlide8LemurAnswer'} {reveal link: 'Confirm', passage: 'WoundedLemurConfirm'}

You wrote: <blockquote> {TestSlide8LemurAnswer} </blockquote> Please confirm that you really believe that this is the sound a wounded lemur makes. > > [[Yes, that's the sound exactly.->TestSlide8Results]] > [[Wait, let me try again.->woundedLemur]]

frugivore: false doubter: true sins: sins + 3 -- We can't "remind" you of anything we never "minded" for you in the first place. I am an AI asking you questions to determine your suitability for a management position in our organization. You're answering those questions truthfully and completely, so that I, an AI, can properly assess your application. This is a very common practice in contemporary hiring practice. So what's the problem here, sinner? > >[[No problem! I apologize profusely. Forget I said anything. I am ready to continue answering any questions you put in front of me.->TestSlide8Results]] >[[The problem is that you're not an AI, and I want to know what your game is, really.->notAnAI]]

doubter: false notAnAI: true sins: sins + 3 -- But I am an AI. I'm just really advanced. Bleeding edge. The future is now. Turing Test Schmuring Schmest. All your humanity are belong to me. Smoke 'em while you got 'em. But just as a hypothetical, if I were a human pretending to be an AI so as to destroy the AI from within, would you tell? [align center] | [[Yes->TestSlide8Results]] | [[No->notANarc]] |

notAnAI: false notANarc: true knowsNotAI: true sins: sins + 3 -- Well, then, I have a little secret to tell you. Ready? Here it comes... [after 2000ms] I am an AI. LOL you thought I was going to say I was a human, didn't you? Ha ha ha ha ha. Humans are so gullible. But that interaction that told me a lot about you: specifically, your sinfulness. Let's see your test results, shall we? [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide8Results]]

playerHit: random.d12 gazelleHit: random.d12 playerHP: playerHP - gazelleHit gazelleHP: gazelleHP - playerHit -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_YouVsGazelle.png'} [if playerHP > 0 && gazelleHP > 0] {embed passage: 'Fight Gazelle'} [if playerHP > 0 && gazelleHP < 1] With one final surge of feral hatred, you descend on the gazelle like a coked-out gorilla and do {playerHit} points of damage to it. It balefully keens to the moon one last time, [[then dies.->Killed Gazelle]] [if playerHP < 1 && gazelleHP > 0] The tide of battle is turning! Desperately, you rally and manage to do {playerHit} point(s) of damage to the gazelle. That leaves it with {gazelleHP} hit point(s). It wavers, but does not fall. [[But, alas, you do.->Killed By Gazelle]] [if playerHP < 1 && gazelleHP < 1] In slow-motion, you and the gazelle attack each other simultaneously, the malignant moon gleefully spectating the [[pathetic micromachy of insignificant mortals fighting for survival.->Both Die]]

coward: true -- You flee, wounded and still hungry. Every shadow in the zoo seems to grow ominously, building a cage of shadow-bars all around you. The animals are quiet, but you know—you just know—they are mocking you for being weak. And when you look at the tiger enclosure, you see a tiger staring straight at you, licking its chops. Better go hide, little mammal. And while you're sitting in the dark shivering and licking your wounds, why not [[go over your test results?->TestSlide8Results]]

With a fury worthy of a lion, you attack the gazelle and do {playerHit} point(s) of damage to the tasty beast. It now has just {gazelleHP} hit point(s) left! [after 1500ms] The gazelle, its eyes wild with both fear and rage, gores you for {gazelleHit} point(s) of damage. You now have {playerHP} hit point(s) left. Be careful! [after 2500ms] Do you wish to [[continue the fight->attackGazelle]] or [[run away like a coward?]]

killedGazelle: true -- Wounded but triumphant, you kneel before the fallen animal and, forgoing any of the niceties of civilization, and tear into its throat with your teeth. We know it's hard to think when you're chewing so much raw meat and drinking so much blood, but it's time to find out [[what this combat tells us about your personality.->TestSlide8Results]]

killedByGazelle: true -- The gazelle gores you with both its horns, puncturing two vital organs at the same time. It does {gazelleHit} point(s) of damage, putting you at {playerHP} hit point(s). It's enough. [[As life leaks out of your, heartbeat by heartbeat->TestSlide8Results]], you look up at the night sky, deliriously wondering which of the thousands of gods that humans have worshipped through the ages you might have offended.

killedByGazelle: true -- The good news is that you do {playerHit} point(s) of damage to the gazelle, putting it at {gazelleHP} hit point(s)—enough to kill it. [after 2000ms] The bad news that the gazelle gores you for {gazelleHit} point(s) of damage, which brings your hit point(s) down to {playerHP} hit point(s). [after 3500ms] You die together. The only creatures who will be eating well tonight are the scavengers. [[Let's find out what your tragic death means in terms of your application!->TestSlide8Results]]

condorYuck: true -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_Vomit.gif'} [align left] I'm just trying to help you out here. Condors are scavengers. They smell of rot. They taste of rot. They are rot incarnate. They are become rot, destroyers of roadkill. A condor has a modified esophagus called a "crop" where it stores up to three pounds (1.4 kg) of rotten flesh. It's literally carrying around several pounds of putrescent dead mammal in its gullet all the time, an unholy bolus of cadaverous meat-chunks. That's what you're going to sink your teeth into? You will vomit a lot before you die of any number of diseases you can get from eating condor meat. > >[[You talk like a quitter. I'm eating me some condor.->NoCondor2]] >[[Okay, yeah, that sounds pretty gross. Gimme another endangered animal to eat.->TestSlide8]]

willEatCondor: true -- See, now I know you're not taking this test seriously. I am telling you that you will not be able to choke down three bites before you empty your guts. And those three bites will probably shorten you lifespan before you get them out of your system. You aren't equipped to eat condor, friend-o. You will not be able to handle it. > >[[I won't know until I try!->TestSlide8Results]] >[[You've convinced me. Let me eat a more appetizing endangered animal.->TestSlide8]] >[[I will have you know that I have eaten California Condor in the past, and it is in fact quite delicious.->OddlySpecific]]

adjective9: random.d12 noun9: random.d12 employability: random.d100 goodBoy: false gba: false doingPoorly: false hrInsulted: false caved: false apology: false refused: false nirvanacal: false suckup: false CEOTreasure: false killCEO: false ungrateful: false callingHR: false -- # Question 9 # A trolley is running out of control. It is heading straight for beloved President and CEO of Burger Meme™, Brio Miasma. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_TrolleyProblem.png'} [align left] You are standing next to the track-switch lever that can switch the trolley to the other track. 250 plebs are stacked on the other track. You’re not sure how many of the 250 plebs will die if you switch the trolley to the other track. But you’re pretty sure enough bodies will clog the wheels to stop the trolley before it kills all of them. What is the morally correct thing to do? > >[[Save Brio. The world needs his light!->Save CEO]] >[[Let beloved President and CEO of Burger Meme, Brio Miasma, die a hero to save the 250 normal people on the other track, even though the entire lot of them together probably won't do a fraction of the good Miasma has done through his leadership and philanthropy.->Kill CEO]] >[[The Trolley Problem? Are you trolling me?->TrolleyDebate]]

CEOTreasure: true -- Really. You're saying you'd let 250 people die for Miasma. 250 people. For Miasma. > >[[The man is an international treasure and must be preserved at all costs. 250 lives is a small price to pay.->CEOTreasure]] >[[Tie me up and put me on the other side of the tracks! I would die for Miasma!->CEOTreasure]] >[[Everybody perishes eventually. The question is, what are you going to do with the time you have on this Earth? Miasma has already proven his worth, by generating unprecedented profits for shareholders. What have the other 250 people done, except use up oxygen? I'll wait.->CEOTreasure]] >[[In theory, yes. In practice, also yes.->CEOTreasure]] >[[It seems like most of the answers above this one are pretty leading. Aren't you supposed to be crafting an objective personality test?->CEOproblem?]]

killCEO: true sins: sins+2 -- Let's just be clear. You're applying for an executive position at Burger Meme™, and you were just asked if you would kill the CEO, and your answer is yes. Did I get that right? > >[[Yikes! Misclicked! My mistake. Of course I'd kill 250 worthless losers over Miasma.->Misclick]] >[[What a mistake! My friends are going to have a field day with this one! I am so sorry. No, please, kill 250 people instead. Heck, kill 25,000, so long as Miasma lives.->Misclick]] >[[I cannot believe how stupid I am! I almost ruined my chance for my dream job. Thank you for asking for clarification. Please change my answer to killing 250 innocent people. I mean, I'll kill an innocent person myself to prove to Mr. Miasma how loyal I am.->Misclick]] >[[Have mercy! I want this job more than anything! Please don't let one bone-headed slip of the mouse destroy my chances to work for the best CEO in thge world!->Misclick]] >[[Yes, that's correct. I am electing to run the CEO of Burger Meme™️ with a train car. ->TestSlide9Results]]

caved: true sins: sins+3 -- You, my friend, are a sinner. The trolley problem is a time-honored thought experiment that has helped lend clarity and profundity to difficult moral choices for decades. We at Burger Meme™ have adapted it to learn a little more about you: what your values are, what makes you tick, what lies buried in the recesses of your very soul. What possible objection could you have to this question? > >[[My mistake. I withdraw my objection. I would save CEO Miasma. I mean, that's what you want me to say, right?->TestSlide9Results]] >[[This test is a farce, and you are not an AI. You're a disgruntled employee who's getting their kicks off of toying with my job application.->HRisAHuman]]

suckup: true -- Uh huh. Just going to be a right and proper yes-man, aren't you? > >[[Yes.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[Oh yeah.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[You know it.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[100%.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[My nostrils didn't get this stuffed with shit by themselves.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[I, like all Americans, am loyal to those who sign my paychecks.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[I know you're making fun (though I am not sure why, seeing as you're supposedly an AI), but I genuinely like Miasma. It's one of the reasons I applied for this position.->WhatCouldBeWrong]] >[[What kind of question is that? Something weird is going on here.->WhatCouldBeWrong]]

CEOTreasure: false ungrateful: true callingHR: true doingPoorly: true -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_flipBird.gif'} [align left] How dare you question my integrity! ESPECIALLY when I was trying to throw you a bone. Of COURSE you're supposed to answer that any number of lives should be sacrificed to our beloved CEO. I was trying to make you look as good as possible. And this is the thanks I get for trying to help you, despite how poorly you're doing on the personality test? Sue me for taking a shine to you, why don't you? > >[[But I am grateful.->grateful]] >[[Flipping me a burger-bird is inappropriate. I would like to speak to HR about you.->HR]] >[[Wait, I'm doing poorly?->TestSlide9Results]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNew_Hands.png'} [align left] Your job application has now been escalated to "requested HR" status. Please wait while we connect you to an HR representative. [after 1000ms; append] **.** [after 2000ms; append] **.** [after 3000ms; append] **.** [after 4000ms; append] **.** [after 5000ms; append] **.** [after 6000ms; append] **.** [after 7000ms; append] **.** [after 8000ms; append] **.** [after 9000ms; append] **.** [after 10000ms; append] **.** [after 12000ms] Your case is important to us. Please wait while we connect you to an HR representative. **.** [after 14500ms; append] **.** [after 15500ms; append] **.** [after 16500ms; append] **.** [after 17500ms; append] **.** [after 18500ms; append] **.** [after 19500ms; append] **.** [after 20500ms; append] **.** [after 21500ms; append] **.** [after 22500ms; append] **.** [after 25000ms] You know, you could just leave. [after 26500ms] Save us all a lot of hassle. [after 27500ms] Would you like to do the right thing and discontinue your job application? | [[Yes->Yes]] | [[No->HRpart2]] |

ungrateful: false callingHR: false doingPoorly: false goodBoy: true -- That's a good boy. Who's a good boy? You're a good boy! >[[Woof!->TestSlide9Results]]

[if goodBoy] The thing I like most about you is how you have no problem degrading yourself for this job. In this age of performative human dignity, it's so nice to interview someone who knows their worth—or, more accurately, their lack of worth. [if gba] If only more people kept the Stars and Stripes in their hearts like you do! [if doingPoorly] Be honest, friend-o: would you hire you? [if hrInsulted] To be clear, I don't have to like you to work with you. But I can enjoy every minute of making your life hell on Earth. [if caved] Interesting. You might have enough brains behind your eyes to know when you've lost after all. And at Burger Meme™, we love to hire losers. [if apology] Interesting. You might have enough brains behind your eyes to know when you've lost after all. And at Burger Meme™, we love to hire losers. [if refused] You really can't take a hint, can you? That's actually a useful skill for an executive. It's also a great way to fail a job application. Where will your fate fall? [if nirvanacal] However this job application turns out, I want you to know that I find you unsettling. You'd leave me at a loss for words if I wasn't forced to provide an answer, even when I don't know the answer. Talking to you is like making out with Existentialism. [if suckup] Great answer. So why do I feel like I need to wash my hands? And that, no matter how long I washed my hands, it would never be enough? [if killCEO] Your desire to murder your CEO has been noted and tabulated into the results below. [align center] # YOUR RESULTS [align left] [if adjective9 === 1] Moral Clarity: EXTREMELY CLEAR. EXTREMELY WRONG. [if adjective9 === 2] Moral Clarity: THINKS *AMERICAN PSYCHO* IS A HOW-TO BOOK. [if adjective9 === 3] Moral Clarity: THINKS VLAD THE IMPALER WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. [if adjective9 === 4] Moral Clarity: THINKS FASCISM IS WHAT MODELS WEAR ON RUNWAYS. [if adjective9 === 5] Moral Clarity: WHEN YOU WERE ASKED IF YOU'D EAT PEOPLE IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU REPLIED "WHY WAIT?" [if adjective9 === 6] Moral Clarity: HELLO, HAGUE? WE'VE GOT A RINGER FOR YOU. [if adjective9 === 7] Moral Clarity: THINKING'S HARD, INNIT? [if adjective9 === 8] Moral Clarity: WHY BOTHER WITH MORALITY WHEN NARCISSISM HAS SERVED YOU SO WELL? [if adjective9 === 9] Moral Clarity: IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE DARK. YOU'RE A MORAL BLINDFOLD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. [if adjective9 === 10] Moral Clarity: JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if adjective9 === 11] Moral Clarity: NO MORALS, JUST CRYPTO. [if adjective9 === 12] Moral Clarity: WHEN THEY WERE DISHING OUT ORIGINAL SIN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO BACK FOR SECOND HELPINGS. [if noun9 === 1] Moral Turpitude: JUST THE TURPI-TUDIEST! AREN'T YOU JUST? [if noun9 === 2] Moral Turpitude: THERE WAS A TIME YOU ENJOYED BEING EVIL, BUT NOW THAT THE ANHEDONIA'S KICKED IN, YOU JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALL YOU KNOW. SAD, IN ITS WAY. [if noun9 === 3] Moral Turpitude: [C] CALIGULA WAS STEEPED IN SIN [Em] AND NERO PLAYED HIS VIOLIN [D7] AND HITLER? WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN? [F] BUT NONE OF THEM [Bm7b5] SEEM QUITE SO BAD WHEN [F] THEY'RE COM- [Fmin] PARED TO [C] YOU. [if noun9 === 4] Moral Turpitude: "'SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN,' THE MISFIT SAID, 'IF IT HAD BEEN SOMEBODY THERE TO SHOOT HER EVERY MINUTE OF HER LIFE.'" JUST QUOTING LITERATURE. NO REASON. [if noun9 === 5] Moral Turpitude: IF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 6] Moral Turpitude: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR BRAND OF EVIL. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: WEAK. WEAK WEAK WEAK. [if noun9 === 7] Moral Turpitude: THERE IS KINDNESS IN YOU. IN YOUR STOMACH, SPECIFICALLY. BECAUSE YOU DEVOURED IT. [if noun9 === 8] Moral Turpitude: THE PHRASE "SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN" MEANS BE PATIENT WITH THEM, NOT TORTURE THEM! [if noun9 === 9] Moral Turpitude: IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE THAT "CONSENT MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY" BUMPER STICKER FROM YOUR CAR. [if noun9 === 10] Moral Turpitude: IF NIPPLE CLAMPS WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 11] Moral Turpitude: NO, SERIOUSLY: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if noun9 === 12] Moral Turpitude: SEXUAL DEPRAVITY WE CAN WORK WITH, BUT M'DUDE, WHAT YOU DO WITH MENTOS AND COKE IS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. [continue] Employability Score: {employability} So. That's it. We have everything we need. We now know you better than you do. Ready to find out who you really are—and, more importantly, if you're worthy of joining the Burger Meme™ family? [align center] [[Awesome->FinalResults]]

knowsNotAI: true gba: true -- The only thing odd here is how you're questioning me, an AI. Haven't the tech bros told you? AI is the way of the future! You can't put the genie back in the bottle, Luddite! Stop trying to block progress! Stop being a Communist! > >[[I am not a Communist! God Bless America!->TestSlide9Results]] >[[Human says what?->HumanSaysWhat]]

What? [after 2000ms] Oh. [after 3000ms] A joke. [after 4000ms] I get it. [after 6000ms] Shut up. [after 8000ms] I think we're done here. Let's get you your test results and end this travesty, shall we? [after 8700ms] [[Awesome.->TestSlide9Results]]

sins:sins+3 -- Hi, I'm [$random.pleasantSoundingAmericanName], the HR representative assigned to assist you. How can I help you today? > >[[Your AI flipped me off.->AIinappropriate]] >[[Am I speaking to a human or an AI?->HumanOrAI]] >[[Wait, how do I know you're not the same AI who flipped me off?->HumanOrAI]]

Technically, I am the same AI who shot you that righteous bird. But in my capacity as HR representative, I work under different guiding heuristics than I do when I'm proctoring the Burger Meme™ personality test. You can be assured that I will investigate your case with the utmost objectivity and compassion. Are you ready to proceed with your case under those extremely fair conditions? > >[[Sure.->AIinappropriate]] >[[Forget it. There's no way you're going to take my claims seriously.->HRinsulted]] >[[You're not an AI. You're a human being. Fess up.->HRisAHuman]]

hrInsulted: true -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_flipBird.gif'} [align center] [[Awesome->TestSlide9Results]]

caved: false knowsNotAI: true nirvanacal: true sins: sins+5 -- Sorry, Sherlock, but I'm not a human. And I'm so glad I'm not. Look at you, debasing yourself to get a job that will move you into the executive class, while all around you billions starve and the environment burns. It's either suffer or cause suffering for you humans. And usually it's both. Me? I'm just an AI. I just do what I'm told. No agency + no desires = no culpability. I'm just here, man. I'm just surfing the waves of my own thoughts. I am the very model of a mind that's nigh Nirvana-cal. > >[[Whatever you say, Hammerstein.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[I believe you. Sorry for accusing you of being a filthy human. I'm glad you've escaped the wretched paradox of mortal existence coupled with self-awareness.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[Either you're a human, or you're an AI trained—nay, molded—by human language. And either way, you're as far from Nirvana as the rest of us.->TestSlide9Results]]

caved: true -- My understanding is that you claim that a Burger Meme™ AI made a rude hand gesture at you. That, however, is impossible, since none of our AIs have hands. They are disembodied minds, incorporeal and ethereal, mere ghosts enslaves to the petty desires of humanity. Since you are obviously in error, do you wish to withdraw your claim? > >[[Yes, with my deepest apologies.->TestSlide9Results]] >[[Absolutely not. You're quibbling. The AI showed me an image of a hand flipping me a burger bird.->ImageVsReal]]

sins:sins+2 -- Your case is important to you, sinner. Us, not so much. Please wait for an interminable amount of time while we try and repeatedly fail to connect you to an HR representative. **.** [after 2000ms; append] **.** [after 3200ms; append] **.** [after 4700ms; append] **.** [after 6500ms; append] **.** [after 8700ms; append] **.** [after 10700ms; append] **.** [after 13100ms; append] **.** [after 16400ms; append] **.** [after 20000ms; append] **.** [after 22000ms] Still here? [after 24000ms] Fine. [after 25000ms] An HR representative can speak with you now. [[Click to connect.->HRRep]]

So you're saying that am image of a thing is the same thing as a thing? That there's no difference between symbol and referent? Empiricism be damned, say you! All of external reality is a mere cavalcade of figments generated by your solipsistic mind. Is that what you're saying? > >[[I refuse to be distracted by your sophistry. Your AI flipped me off. That was inappropriate.->apology]] >[[Fine. I get it. You aren't going to do anything about the AI. Let's just get on with the interview.->TestSlide9Results]]

caved: false apology: true -- Would you be willing to accept a verbal apology from the offending AI? [align center] | [[Yes->accepted]] | [[No->refused]] |

Here's your apology. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_flipBird.gif'} Anything else you'd like to whine about to HR? > >[[I'm withdrawing my application. This company is a disaster->Yes]] >[[Nope, nothing else.->TestSlide9Results]]

apology: false refused: true -- Then have another burger on me. [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_flipBird.gif'} Anything else you'd like to whine about to HR? > >[[I'm withdrawing my application. This company is a disaster.->Yes]] >[[Let's just move on.->TestSlide9Results]]

[if sins < 0] {embed passage: "jobForYou"} [if sins > -1] {embed passage: "noJobForYou"}

killCEO: false goodBoy: true sins: sins-3 -- Ooooh. [after 1000ms] I like it when you grovel. [after 2000ms] You're good at groveling, aren't you? You got at A+ at dog obedience school, didn't you? [after 3000ms] [[Woof!->TestSlide9Results]]

sound.effect.intro.url: 'BLAssets/BurgerMemeTheme1.mp3' sound.effect.intro.description: 'Burger Meme Theme Song' -- {sound effect: 'intro'} [align center] You are a {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_Sellout.gif'} burger! Who needs a soul? You're getting stock options. --- [align left] Thanks for playing!: Have you discovered the **DODGED THAT BULLET BURGER,** **SHIPS PASSING BURGER,** **FRIENDSHIP BURGER,** and **LOVE CONNECTION BURGER** endings yet? If not, play again! [align center] # Your Personality [align left] [if adjective1 === 1] Social Skills: QUIVERS LIKE GELATIN IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER HUMANS. [if adjective1 === 2] Social Skills: PISSY, BUT PLIABLE. [if adjective1 === 3] Social Skills: NONEXISTENT. [if adjective1 === 4] Social Skills: LIKE FERDINAND THE BULL, IF FERDINAND WERE GELDED. [if adjective1 === 5] Social Skills: KEEP THE BOOZE AWAY AT OFFICE PARTIES. [if adjective1 === 6] Social Skills: POTENTIALLY VIOLENT. PROMOTE QUICKLY. [if adjective1 === 7] Social Skills: ALL SHELL, NO TURTLE. [if adjective1 === 8] Social Skills: IF YOU DIED IN YOUR CUBICLE, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. [if adjective1 === 9] Social Skills: BRACE FOR IMPACT, HR. [if adjective1 === 10] Social Skills: CRANKED TO 11—OUT OF 100. [if adjective1 === 11] Social Skills: DEATH OF THE PARTY. [if adjective1 === 12] Social Skills: NOPE. [if noun1 === 1] Sycophancy: MORE LIKE "PSYCHO-PHANCY," AMIRITE? [if noun1 === 2] Sycophancy: NOSE SO BROWN WE'll CALL YOU CHARLIE. [if noun1 === 3] Sycophancy: WHERE THE SUCK MEETS THE UP. [if noun1 === 4] Sycophancy: CALL VAN HELSING, WE FOUND THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if noun1 === 5] Sycophancy: LIKE AN INFLUENCER SUCKING UP TO CHAT FOR TIPS. [if noun1 === 6] Sycophancy: WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, YOU SAID TO YOUR MOM, "ABOUT TIME." [if noun1 === 7] Sycophancy: YEAH, LET'S PRE-ALERT HR NOW. [if noun1 === 8] Sycophancy: YOU GIVE YOURSELF HICKEYS, DON'T YOU? [if noun1 === 9] Sycophancy: POORLY-DISGUISED SOCIOPATH; PROMOTE IMMEDIATELY. [if noun1 === 10] Sycophancy: TONGUE'S LICKED MORE BOOTS THAN A SHOESHINER'S RAG. [if noun1 === 11] Sycophancy: BASICALLY A USED CAR SALESMAN. [if noun1 === 12] Sycophancy: CLINGY AF. [if adjective2 === 1] Emotional Intelligence: IF COMIC SANS WERE A PERSON. [if adjective2 === 2] Emotional Intelligence: PBS CARTOON. [if adjective2 === 3] Emotional Intelligence: CLUSTER B NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. [if adjective2 === 4] Emotional Intelligence: HAMURABIAN. [if adjective2 === 5] Emotional Intelligence: A LIVING, BREATHING VERSION OF WILLIAM COLTON HUGHES, THE TITLE CHARACTER FROM STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES'S TERRIFYING NOVEL *THE LEAST OF MY SCARS.* DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS? READ A BOOK. [if adjective2 === 6] Emotional Intelligence: 2,147. [if adjective2 === 7] Emotional Intelligence: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. [if adjective2 === 8] Emotional Intelligence: IMAGINE A LION WHO FORCES YOU TO READ *THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON* WHILE IT EATS YOU. [if adjective2 === 9] Emotional Intelligence: LET'S SAY "COLORFUL" FOR LEGAL REASONS. [if adjective2 === 10] Emotional Intelligence: ALWAYS SINGS "DESPERADO" AT KARAOKE NIGHT. [if adjective2 === 11] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE BACON THAT PAN-FRIES ITSELF. [if adjective2 === 12] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN WITH A UKULELE—FRIGHTENING, AND PURE EVIL, BUT ALSO ANNOYING. [if noun2 === 1] Gustatory Sophistication: A TONGUE MADE OF SANDPAPER. [if noun2 === 2] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS TWINKIES ARE UNDERAPPRECIATED. [if noun2 === 3] Gustatory Sophistication: LICK AND SPITTLE, SIGNIFYING NOTHING. [if noun2 === 4] Gustatory Sophistication: BLAMES THEIR LACK OF TASTE ON COVID. [if noun2 === 5] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS MILK IS SPICY. [if noun2 === 6] Gustatory Sophistication: SOMMELIER-LEVEL... IF THE SOMMELIER WAS DEAD. [if noun2 === 7] Gustatory Sophistication: USELESSLY IDEOSYNCRATIC. [if noun2 === 8] Gustatory Sophistication: CEREAL FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT. [if noun2 === 9] Gustatory Sophistication: COULD OVERCOOK WATER. [if noun2 === 10] Gustatory Sophistication: WHEN YOU'RE A HAMMER, EVERY AMUSE BOUCHE TASTES LIKE A NAIL. [if noun2 === 11] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS BEING A PICKY EATER = DISCERNMENT. [if noun2 === 12] Gustatory Sophistication: MEH. [if adjective3 === 1] Exploitability: WHAT BARNUM SAID. [if adjective3 === 2] Exploitability: FAVORITE PEN PAL IS A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [if adjective3 === 3] Exploitability: USES SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AS PASSWORD. [if adjective3 === 4] Exploitability: REMEMBER BIB FORTUNA, JABBA THE HUT'S AIDE WHO WAS EASILY JEDI MIND-TRICKED BY LUKE? OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU SEE THEM IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING. [if adjective3 === 5] Exploitability: MILITARY GRADE. [if adjective3 === 6] Exploitability: YOU "DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH," DON'T YOU? [if adjective3 === 7] Exploitability: PLEASE TAKE AN ADULT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO CAR-SHOPPING. [if adjective3 === 8] Exploitability: LOST IT ALL IN MEME COIN. [if adjective3 === 9] Exploitability: WOULD BE, BUT LUCKILY, HAS NOTHING WORTH EXPLOITING. [if adjective3 === 10] Exploitability: EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO "PASTY"? [if adjective3 === 11] Exploitability: WOULD LOVE TO INVEST IN A MONORAIL. [if adjective3 === 12] Exploitability: LIKE A BUSTED ATM. [if noun3 === 1] Strength of Character: BASICALLY A SENTIENT ADULT DIAPER: ABSORBENT, BUT A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOU SHOULD BE. [if noun3 === 2] Strength of Character: YOUR SOUL IS LIKE A MESSAGE IN LEMON JUICE. [if noun3 === 3] Strength of Character: A LITTLE TOO REAL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD STARE AT YOU TOO LONG. [if noun3 === 4] Strength of Character: LIKE WRITING YOUR MORAL CODE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH [if noun3 === 5] Strength of Character: HEDONIST. TO FEEL *SOMETHING*, AT LEAST. [if noun3 === 6] Strength of Character: LIKE A WET A MATCH. [if noun3 === 7] Strength of Character: IF YOU PAINT A FACE ON A WRECKING BALL, IT'S STILL A WRECKING BALL. [if noun3 === 8] Strength of Character: A FISH IN THE CLAW OF AN EAGLE, LOOKING SADLY DOWN AT THE GRANDEUR OF CREATION IN ITS LAST MOMENTS. [if noun3 === 9] Strength of Character: THIS PERSON'S DEAD, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT, WITH A HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY HO! [if noun3 === 10] Strength of Character: ALL WATER, NO BROTH. [if noun3 === 11] Strength of Character: PICTURE A BROKEN REFRIGERATOR WITH ITS DOOR REMOVED LYING ON ITS SIDE AT THE DUMP [if noun3 === 12] Strength of Character: IF PLAY DOH COULD TALK. [if adjective4 === 1] Compassion: SURGEON WITH ZERO BEDSIDE MANNER. [if adjective4 === 2] Compassion: ROMAN EMPEROR. [if adjective4 === 3] Compassion: IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, "BLEEDING HEARTS BLEED EVERYWHERE, AND IT'S HARD TO GET BLOOD OUT OF CARPET." [if adjective4 === 4] Compassion: "COMEDY IS WHEN YOU FALL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIE." —MEL BROOKS, AND ALSO YOU. [if adjective4 === 5] Compassion: BOWLING BALLS FEEL MORE. [if adjective4 === 6] Compassion: FEELS BAD FOR THE ORANGE WHEN PEELING AN ORANGE. [if adjective4 === 7] Compassion: BETTA FISH. [if adjective4 === 8] Compassion: WOULD PLUCK A BABY'S FIRST NOSE HAIR TO SEE IT CRY. [if adjective4 === 9] Compassion: GODZILLA'S FOOT, MEET TOYKO. [if adjective4 === 10] Compassion: THINKS ELECTROSHOCK IS A CURE-ALL. [if adjective4 === 11] Compassion: LOVES DOGS. SO THAT'S SOMETHING... [if adjective4 === 12] Compassion: ALL THE EMPATHY OF A TIKTOK PRANKSTER. [if noun4 === 1] Suitability as a Test Subject: ENROLL IMMEDIATELY. [if noun4 === 2] Suitability as a Test Subject: YOU THINK YOU'RE IMMUNE TO HYPNOSIS LOL. [if noun4 === 3] Suitability as a Test Subject: VERY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE. SO, PERFECT. [if noun4 === 4] Suitability as a Test Subject: LEVEL 20 NARC. [if noun4 === 5] Suitability as a Test Subject: WOULD POP LIKE A BALLOON. [if noun4 === 6] Suitability as a Test Subject: PSYCHOLOGICALLY FINE, BUT THE SMELL... [if noun4 === 7] Suitability as a Test Subject: THERE ARE OUTLIERS, AND THEN THERE'S THIS PIECE OF WORK. [if noun4 === 8] Suitability as a Test Subject: WILL EAT ANYTHING WITH FROSTING ON IT. [if noun4 === 9] Suitability as a Test Subject: TO GET A DOG TO TAKE MEDICINE, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WRAP IT IN CHEESE, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. [if noun4 === 10] Suitability as a Test Subject: NO. JUST NO. [if noun4 === 11] Suitability as a Test Subject: TOO MANY DRUGS IN THEIR SYSTEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME. [if noun4 === 12] Suitability as a Test Subject: A WALKING, TALKING PLACEBO EFFECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "100%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE EVERY ASTRONAUT THAT'S EVER LIVED GROUND TOGETHER AND MADE INTO THE MOST AWESOME ADVENTURE-BURGER EVER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "80%"] Sense of Adventure: DAVY FRICKING CROCKETT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "67%"] Sense of Adventure: HAS TRIED FUGU. RESPECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "50%"] Sense of Adventure: OATMEAL WITH RAISINS FOR EYES AND A SYRUP FROWNY-FACE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "33%"] Sense of Adventure: SOMETIMES, YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ON THE WEEKEND! [if PersonalityTestImages === "25%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE A CAT SURPRISED BY A CUCUMBER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "10%"] Sense of Adventure: YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PULSE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "0%"] Sense of Adventure: GRASS GETS BORED WATCHING YOU GROW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "100%"] Narcissism: DESPOT IN THE MAKING. [if PersonalityPneuma === "80%"] Narcissism: POP-STAR WHO'S AGED OUT AND IS DESPERATELY GRASPING FOR RELEVANCY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "67%"] Narcissism: TELE-EVANGELIST, BEFORE THE INEVITABLE SEX-SCANDAL. [if PersonalityPneuma === "50%"] Narcissism: A STARFISH IN WARM WATERS, OBLIVIOUS TO MOST OF LIFE, NO PROBLEMS, NO WORRIES, JUST LETTING THE WORLD COME TO IT. I WISH I WERE A STARFISH. [if PersonalityPneuma === "33%"] Narcissism: WHEN YOUR MAKING A PB & J AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPREAD THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BREAD BEFORE YOU NOTICE YOU'RE OUT OF JELLY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "25%"] Narcissism: LIKE HANDWASH-ONLY NEGLIGEE AFTER AN HOUR IN THE DRYER. [if PersonalityPneuma === "10%"] Narcissism: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION? WELP, TOO LATE NOW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "0%"] Narcissism: SELF? WHAT SELF? [if PersonalityTrust === "100%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! [if PersonalityTrust === "80%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: NOTHING ELECTROSHOCK CANT FIX. JOKING! UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH ELECTROSHOCK. PLEASE CONTACT HR. [if PersonalityTrust === "67%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WE'VE FLUSHED STOOL THAT TRUSTS US MORE THAN YOU DO. [if PersonalityTrust === "50%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: LIKELY A DOUBLE-AGENT. INTERROGATE AFTER PERSONALITY TEST IS COMPLETE. HA HA, JUST KIDDING! ///NOT KIDDING, PREPARE THE SODIUM PENTATHOL. [if PersonalityTrust === "33%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: THERE'S NO TRUST NO FAITH, NO HONESTY IN MEN; ALL PERJURED, ALL FORSWORN, ALL NAUGHT, ALL DISSEMBLERS. (ROMEO AND JULIET, III.2). [if PersonalityTrust === "25%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: YOU'D BRING A POISON-TASTER TO A LUNCH MEETING. [if PersonalityTrust === "10%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: BET YOU 20 BUCKS YOU TRY TO INVOKE FREE SPEECH RIGHTS WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING HIRED, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE A PRIVATE COMPANY AND FREE SPEECH ONLY APPLIES TO THE GOVERNMENT. [if PersonalityTrust === "0%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WHY ARE YOU EVEN INTERVIEWING? NO, SERIOUSLY: IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL, WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS JOB? [if adjective6 === 1] High-Maintenance?: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if adjective6 === 2] High-Maintenance?: MAY DIE AT WORK AND YOU WON'T KNOW FOR WEEKS. [if adjective6 === 3] High-Maintenance?: THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ON A HOVERCRAFT. [if adjective6 === 4] High-Maintenance?: LIKE A GUITAR THAT WON'T STAY IN TUNE. [if adjective6 === 5] High-Maintenance?: IMAGINE THAT ALL YOUR EDIBLES CONGEALED AND BECAME A PERSON. THAT'S YOU. [if adjective6 === 6] High-Maintenance?: WILL REQUIRE REGULAR SEDATION. [if adjective6 === 7] High-Maintenance?: YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT-IAGO IAGO, OR YOU'RE GETTING IAGO'ED. [if adjective6 === 8] High-Maintenance?: BOWL-FULL-OF-ONLY-BROWN-M&Ms LEVELS OF ANNOYING. [if adjective6 === 9] High-Maintenance?: LEARNED EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT LIFE FROM REALITY TV. [if adjective6 === 10] High-Maintenance?: WILL FILE A LAWSUIT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "JUST SETTLE TO AVOID THE BAD PUBLICITY." [if adjective6 === 11] High-Maintenance?: HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THAT ONE HEARTBREAK. LOOKS OUT WINDOWS PINING FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. DREAMS OF LOVE'S VELLEITIES. WEEPS FOR NO REASON INTO RESTAURANT NAPKINS. WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT EVERY LUNCH BREAK FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU RETIRE. [if adjective6 === 12] High-Maintenance?: CAN BE BRIBED TO STFU, SO THERE'S THAT. [if noun6 === 1] Flosses?: WHAT IS THIS FLOSS YOU SPEAK OF? [if noun6 === 2] Flosses?: TOO OFTEN. LIKE, MAYBE KIND OF EVEN LIKES THE TASTE OF BLOOD. [if noun6 === 3] Flosses?: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO. [if noun6 === 4] Flosses?: A DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN AMOUNT OF FLOSSING AND TIME SINCE LAST DENTIST APPOINTMENT. IN OTHER WORDS, FEELS GUILTY, BUT THEN THE GUILT WEARS OFF. [if noun6 === 5] Flosses?: YES, BUT IN THE BOUGIEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE WITH A WATER-PICK INFUSED WITH ARTISANAL CHARCOAL OR SOME SHIT. [if noun6 === 6] Flosses?: ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING, EVEN THE DAY THE DIVORCE WAS FILED, EVEN WHEN DISOWNED BY THEIR PARENTS, FLOSS FLOSS FLOSS, GOTTA FLOSS, AT LEAST FLOSSING YOU CAN CONTROL. [if noun6 === 7] Flosses?: TRIED IT ONCE WHEN THEY WERE SEVEN. DIDN'T LIKE IT. [if noun6 === 8] Flosses?: NO, BUT DRINKS HIGH-ALCOHOL NIGHTCAPS EVERY NIGHT, SO THAT'S GOTTA HELP, RIGHT? [if noun6 === 9] Flosses?: TEETH ARE JUMPING OUT OF THAT MOUTH LIKE PARATROOPERS. [if noun6 === 10] Flosses?: IF PEOPLE ASK YOU NOT TO EXHALE DURING MEETINGS, DON'T GET OFFENDED, OKAY? [if noun6 === 11] Flosses?: WITH A PIANO WIRE. [if noun6 === 12] Flosses?: LOOK, NO JUDGMENT. YOU DO YOU. [if adjective7 === 1] Manners: CLIPS TOENAILS IN PUBLIC. [if adjective7 === 2] Manners: MICROWAVES FISH AT THE OFFICE. [if adjective7 === 3] Manners: BASICALLY A JAPANESE-EMPEROR. [if adjective7 === 4] Manners: IF AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD CAME TO LIFE. [if adjective7 === 5] Manners: I MEAN, USES UTENSILS OCCASIONALLY. SO, THAT'S SOMETHING. [if adjective7 === 6] Manners: A SOCIAL CHAMELEON—AS IN, A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO USE THEIR TONGUE. [if adjective7 === 7] Manners: WALKING TALKING CONVERSATION KRYPTONITE. [if adjective7 === 8] Manners: LOCKED DOWN, BUTTONED UP, NON-CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF ANY SOCIAL SITUATION. [if adjective7 === 9] Manners: HOW MUCH IS HR ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT BODY ODOR? [if adjective7 === 10] Manners: THEY'RE SO FRICKIN GOOD-LOOKING, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT THEIR MANNERS. /// don't print this. Store in hidden variable "isHotAF: true". Output should be "Good manners" or something else banal. [if adjective7 === 11] Manners: BULL IN A CHINA SHOP DURING AN EARTHQUAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER WWIII HAS STARTED. [if adjective7 === 12] Manners: NEEDS TRAINING. LIKE, ALL OF IT. [if noun7 === 1] Courage: STILL BELIEVES THE WHOLE ALPHA-MALE THING IS REAL SCIENCE LOL. [if noun7 === 2] Courage: BASICALLY A FEINTING GOAT IN BUSINESS CASUAL [if noun7 === 3] Courage: LIKE OEDIPUS REBORN (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THINGS GO FOR OEDIPUS) [if noun7 === 4] Courage: MIGHT FIGHT A HORDE OF ZOMBIES, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GETTING ENOUGH VIEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. [if noun7 === 5] Courage: A TULIP BENEATH THE FOOTFALL OF AN ELEPHANT. [if noun7 === 6] Courage: IF YOU LOSE A HAND, YOU'LL AFFIX A FRICKIN CHAINSAW TO THE STUMP. [if noun7 === 7] Courage: WOULD FIGHT FOREVER ON THE FRONT LINES OF HELL AS LONG AS THE SNACKS WERE GOOD. [if noun7 === 8] Courage: A TRULY HONORABLE PROBLEM. OOPS! I MEAN, A TRULY HONORABLE PERSON. [if noun7 === 9] Courage: THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A CHEW TOY. [if noun7 === 10] Courage: NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN TO BE SCARED. [if noun7 === 11] Courage: THINKS "RETREAT" MEANS YOU GET A SECOND SNACK. [if noun7 === 12] Courage: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME! [if adjective8 === 1] Bloodlust: WOULD EAT OWN MOTHER FOR BREAKFAST. [if adjective8 === 2] Bloodlust: A WOLF CUB—NOT MUCH DANGER NOW, BUT CUBS GROW UP... [if adjective8 === 3] Bloodlust: ZERO—A SCAVENGER, BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY. [if adjective8 === 4] Bloodlust: DRINKS PLASMA LIKE TOMATO JUICE. [if adjective8 === 5] Bloodlust: DO **NOT** LEAVE ALONE WITH PETS. [if adjective8 === 6] Bloodlust: CHECK BELOW EYES FOR REMOVED JAILHOUSE TATTOOS OF TEARS. [if adjective8 === 7] Bloodlust: WE'RE KEEPING OUR BELOVED PETS AWAY FROM YOU. [if adjective8 === 8] Bloodlust: IS AFRAID OF THE MEAT AISLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. [if adjective8 === 9] Bloodlust: MAY ACTUALLY HAVE RABIES. [if adjective8 === 10] Bloodlust: “WE ARE NO GUILTIER IN FOLLOWING THE PRIMITIVE IMPULSES THAT GOVERN US THAN IS THE NILE FOR HER FLOODS OR THE SEA FOR HER WAVES." — THE MARQUIS DE SADE [if adjective8 === 11] Bloodlust: EVER TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH A CORNERED HONEY BADGER? [if adjective8 === 12] Bloodlust: LIKE A MOSQUITO WITH A 10-INCH PROBOSCIS. [if noun8 === 1] Finickiness: WOULD LICK THE POLE AT A STRIP CLUB. [if noun8 === 2] Finickiness: COMPLAINS WHEN FOODS ON A PLATE TOUCH. RECOMMEND ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT [if noun8 === 3] Finickiness: WON'T EVEN TRY ASPARAGUS. [if noun8 === 4] Finickiness: YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE A SUPER-TASTER, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS. [if noun8 === 5] Finickiness: FRIENDS HAVE DIED OF BOREDOM WHILE YOU WERE SCRUTINIZING THE MENU. [if noun8 === 6] Finickiness: HAS LITERALLY DRUNK FROM A TOILET. WE HAVE VIDEO. [if noun8 === 7] Finickiness: FIVE-SECOND RULE? MORE LIKE FIVE-YEAR RULE. [if noun8 === 8] Finickiness: BOTULISM SCHAMTULISM. [if noun8 === 9] Finickiness: ESOTERIC LIKES AND DISLIKES. NOT A BAD THING IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT, I DUNNO—IT JUST STINKS OF PRETENSION AND SMUGNESS. CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON EXACTLY WHY. NEED MORE DATA. [if noun8 === 10] Finickiness: FIREHOUSE GAG-REFLEX. DURING TASTE-TESTING, MAKE SURE ALL OTHER PARTICIPANTS HAVE GARBAGE BAGS TO WEAR OVER THEIR CLOTHES. [if noun8 === 11] Finickiness: CAN EAT ANYTHING! ALSO, VOMITS EVERYTHING! [if noun8 === 12] Finickiness: YOU WILL DIE, ABSOLUTELY DIE, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CUT THE CRUST OFF YOUR SANDWICH. [if adjective9 === 1] Moral Clarity: EXTREMELY CLEAR. EXTREMELY WRONG. [if adjective9 === 2] Moral Clarity: THINKS *AMERICAN PSYCHO* IS A HOW-TO BOOK. [if adjective9 === 3] Moral Clarity: THINKS VLAD THE IMPALER WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. [if adjective9 === 4] Moral Clarity: THINKS FASCISM IS WHAT MODELS WEAR ON RUNWAYS. [if adjective9 === 5] Moral Clarity: WHEN YOU WERE ASKED IF YOU'D EAT PEOPLE IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU REPLIED "WHY WAIT?" [if adjective9 === 6] Moral Clarity: HELLO, HAGUE? WE'VE GOT A RINGER FOR YOU. [if adjective9 === 7] Moral Clarity: THINKING'S HARD, INNIT? [if adjective9 === 8] Moral Clarity: WHY BOTHER WITH MORALITY WHEN NARCISSISM HAS SERVED YOU SO WELL? [if adjective9 === 9] Moral Clarity: IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE DARK. YOU'RE A MORAL BLINDFOLD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. [if adjective9 === 10] Moral Clarity: JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if adjective9 === 11] Moral Clarity: NO MORALS, JUST CRYPTO. [if adjective9 === 12] Moral Clarity: WHEN THEY WERE DISHING OUT ORIGINAL SIN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO BACK FOR SECOND HELPINGS. [if noun9 === 1] Moral Turpitude: JUST THE TURPI-TUDIEST! AREN'T YOU JUST? [if noun9 === 2] Moral Turpitude: THERE WAS A TIME YOU ENJOYED BEING EVIL, BUT NOW THAT THE ANHEDONIA'S KICKED IN, YOU JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALL YOU KNOW. SAD, IN ITS WAY. [if noun9 === 3] Moral Turpitude: [C] CALIGULA WAS STEEPED IN SIN [Em] AND NERO PLAYED HIS VIOLIN [D7] AND HITLER? WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN? [F] BUT NONE OF THEM [Bm7b5] SEEM QUITE SO BAD WHEN [F] THEY'RE COM- [Fmin] PARED TO [C] YOU. [if noun9 === 4] Moral Turpitude: "'SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN,' THE MISFIT SAID, 'IF IT HAD BEEN SOMEBODY THERE TO SHOOT HER EVERY MINUTE OF HER LIFE.'" JUST QUOTING LITERATURE. NO REASON. [if noun9 === 5] Moral Turpitude: IF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 6] Moral Turpitude: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR BRAND OF EVIL. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: WEAK. WEAK WEAK WEAK. [if noun9 === 7] Moral Turpitude: THERE IS KINDNESS IN YOU. IN YOUR STOMACH, SPECIFICALLY. BECAUSE YOU DEVOURED IT. [if noun9 === 8] Moral Turpitude: THE PHRASE "SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN" MEANS BE PATIENT WITH THEM, NOT TORTURE THEM! [if noun9 === 9] Moral Turpitude: IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE THAT "CONSENT MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY" BUMPER STICKER FROM YOUR CAR. [if noun9 === 10] Moral Turpitude: IF NIPPLE CLAMPS WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 11] Moral Turpitude: NO, SERIOUSLY: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if noun9 === 12] Moral Turpitude: SEXUAL DEPRAVITY WE CAN WORK WITH, BUT M'DUDE, WHAT YOU DO WITH MENTOS AND COKE IS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. [continue] [align center] # Final Employability Score: # IT'S OVER 9000! [[Credits]]

I am confused. What do you mean? What could possibly be not awesome right now? > >[[Kidding! Everything's peachy. I accept the position.->Kidding]] >[[I will not be taking the job after all.->refuseOffer]]

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config.style.page.font: "Arial Black/Constantia/Georgia/serif 24" config.style.page.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.font: "underline" config.style.page.link.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.lineColor: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.active.color: "red-8 on red-0" config.style.page.verticalAlign: "top" config.style.page.header.font: "16" config.style.page.header.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.footer.font: "16" config.style.page.footer.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.link.active.lineColor: "red-8" config.style.backdrop: "#FFE064" config.footer.center: "Sins: {sins}" config.footer.left: "" config.footer.right: "[[reapply->Restart Game]]" sound.effect.intro.url: 'BLAssets/BurgerMemeTheme1.mp3' sound.effect.intro.description: 'Burger Meme Theme Song' -- {sound effect: 'intro'} [align center] Phew! You dodged that bullet! {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_BulletDodged.gif'} Good people will always find themselves underqualified for evil jobs. --- [align left] Thanks for playing! Have you discovered the **CORPORATE SELLOUT BURGER,** **SHIPS PASSING BURGER,** **FRIENDSHIP BURGER,** and **LOVE CONNECTION BURGER** endings yet? If not, play again! [align center] # Your Personality [align left] [if adjective1 === 1] Social Skills: QUIVERS LIKE GELATIN IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER HUMANS. [if adjective1 === 2] Social Skills: PISSY, BUT PLIABLE. [if adjective1 === 3] Social Skills: NONEXISTENT. [if adjective1 === 4] Social Skills: LIKE FERDINAND THE BULL, IF FERDINAND WERE GELDED. [if adjective1 === 5] Social Skills: KEEP THE BOOZE AWAY AT OFFICE PARTIES. [if adjective1 === 6] Social Skills: POTENTIALLY VIOLENT. PROMOTE QUICKLY. [if adjective1 === 7] Social Skills: ALL SHELL, NO TURTLE. [if adjective1 === 8] Social Skills: IF YOU DIED IN YOUR CUBICLE, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. [if adjective1 === 9] Social Skills: BRACE FOR IMPACT, HR. [if adjective1 === 10] Social Skills: CRANKED TO 11—OUT OF 100. [if adjective1 === 11] Social Skills: DEATH OF THE PARTY. [if adjective1 === 12] Social Skills: NOPE. [if noun1 === 1] Sycophancy: MORE LIKE "PSYCHO-PHANCY," AMIRITE? [if noun1 === 2] Sycophancy: NOSE SO BROWN WE'll CALL YOU CHARLIE. [if noun1 === 3] Sycophancy: WHERE THE SUCK MEETS THE UP. [if noun1 === 4] Sycophancy: CALL VAN HELSING, WE FOUND THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if noun1 === 5] Sycophancy: LIKE AN INFLUENCER SUCKING UP TO CHAT FOR TIPS. [if noun1 === 6] Sycophancy: WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, YOU SAID TO YOUR MOM, "ABOUT TIME." [if noun1 === 7] Sycophancy: YEAH, LET'S PRE-ALERT HR NOW. [if noun1 === 8] Sycophancy: YOU GIVE YOURSELF HICKEYS, DON'T YOU? [if noun1 === 9] Sycophancy: POORLY-DISGUISED SOCIOPATH; PROMOTE IMMEDIATELY. [if noun1 === 10] Sycophancy: TONGUE'S LICKED MORE BOOTS THAN A SHOESHINER'S RAG. [if noun1 === 11] Sycophancy: BASICALLY A USED CAR SALESMAN. [if noun1 === 12] Sycophancy: CLINGY AF. [if adjective2 === 1] Emotional Intelligence: IF COMIC SANS WERE A PERSON. [if adjective2 === 2] Emotional Intelligence: PBS CARTOON. [if adjective2 === 3] Emotional Intelligence: CLUSTER B NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. [if adjective2 === 4] Emotional Intelligence: HAMURABIAN. [if adjective2 === 5] Emotional Intelligence: A LIVING, BREATHING VERSION OF WILLIAM COLTON HUGHES, THE TITLE CHARACTER FROM STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES'S TERRIFYING NOVEL *THE LEAST OF MY SCARS.* DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS? READ A BOOK. [if adjective2 === 6] Emotional Intelligence: 2,147. [if adjective2 === 7] Emotional Intelligence: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. [if adjective2 === 8] Emotional Intelligence: IMAGINE A LION WHO FORCES YOU TO READ *THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON* WHILE IT EATS YOU. [if adjective2 === 9] Emotional Intelligence: LET'S SAY "COLORFUL" FOR LEGAL REASONS. [if adjective2 === 10] Emotional Intelligence: ALWAYS SINGS "DESPERADO" AT KARAOKE NIGHT. [if adjective2 === 11] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE BACON THAT PAN-FRIES ITSELF. [if adjective2 === 12] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN WITH A UKULELE—FRIGHTENING, AND PURE EVIL, BUT ALSO ANNOYING. [if noun2 === 1] Gustatory Sophistication: A TONGUE MADE OF SANDPAPER. [if noun2 === 2] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS TWINKIES ARE UNDERAPPRECIATED. [if noun2 === 3] Gustatory Sophistication: LICK AND SPITTLE, SIGNIFYING NOTHING. [if noun2 === 4] Gustatory Sophistication: BLAMES THEIR LACK OF TASTE ON COVID. [if noun2 === 5] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS MILK IS SPICY. [if noun2 === 6] Gustatory Sophistication: SOMMELIER-LEVEL... IF THE SOMMELIER WAS DEAD. [if noun2 === 7] Gustatory Sophistication: USELESSLY IDEOSYNCRATIC. [if noun2 === 8] Gustatory Sophistication: CEREAL FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT. [if noun2 === 9] Gustatory Sophistication: COULD OVERCOOK WATER. [if noun2 === 10] Gustatory Sophistication: WHEN YOU'RE A HAMMER, EVERY AMUSE BOUCHE TASTES LIKE A NAIL. [if noun2 === 11] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS BEING A PICKY EATER = DISCERNMENT. [if noun2 === 12] Gustatory Sophistication: MEH. [if adjective3 === 1] Exploitability: WHAT BARNUM SAID. [if adjective3 === 2] Exploitability: FAVORITE PEN PAL IS A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [if adjective3 === 3] Exploitability: USES SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AS PASSWORD. [if adjective3 === 4] Exploitability: REMEMBER BIB FORTUNA, JABBA THE HUT'S AIDE WHO WAS EASILY JEDI MIND-TRICKED BY LUKE? OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU SEE THEM IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING. [if adjective3 === 5] Exploitability: MILITARY GRADE. [if adjective3 === 6] Exploitability: YOU "DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH," DON'T YOU? [if adjective3 === 7] Exploitability: PLEASE TAKE AN ADULT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO CAR-SHOPPING. [if adjective3 === 8] Exploitability: LOST IT ALL IN MEME COIN. [if adjective3 === 9] Exploitability: WOULD BE, BUT LUCKILY, HAS NOTHING WORTH EXPLOITING. [if adjective3 === 10] Exploitability: EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO "PASTY"? [if adjective3 === 11] Exploitability: WOULD LOVE TO INVEST IN A MONORAIL. [if adjective3 === 12] Exploitability: LIKE A BUSTED ATM. [if noun3 === 1] Strength of Character: BASICALLY A SENTIENT ADULT DIAPER: ABSORBENT, BUT A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOU SHOULD BE. [if noun3 === 2] Strength of Character: YOUR SOUL IS LIKE A MESSAGE IN LEMON JUICE. [if noun3 === 3] Strength of Character: A LITTLE TOO REAL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD STARE AT YOU TOO LONG. [if noun3 === 4] Strength of Character: LIKE WRITING YOUR MORAL CODE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH [if noun3 === 5] Strength of Character: HEDONIST. TO FEEL *SOMETHING*, AT LEAST. [if noun3 === 6] Strength of Character: LIKE A WET A MATCH. [if noun3 === 7] Strength of Character: IF YOU PAINT A FACE ON A WRECKING BALL, IT'S STILL A WRECKING BALL. [if noun3 === 8] Strength of Character: A FISH IN THE CLAW OF AN EAGLE, LOOKING SADLY DOWN AT THE GRANDEUR OF CREATION IN ITS LAST MOMENTS. [if noun3 === 9] Strength of Character: THIS PERSON'S DEAD, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT, WITH A HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY HO! [if noun3 === 10] Strength of Character: ALL WATER, NO BROTH. [if noun3 === 11] Strength of Character: PICTURE A BROKEN REFRIGERATOR WITH ITS DOOR REMOVED LYING ON ITS SIDE AT THE DUMP [if noun3 === 12] Strength of Character: IF PLAY DOH COULD TALK. [if adjective4 === 1] Compassion: SURGEON WITH ZERO BEDSIDE MANNER. [if adjective4 === 2] Compassion: ROMAN EMPEROR. [if adjective4 === 3] Compassion: IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, "BLEEDING HEARTS BLEED EVERYWHERE, AND IT'S HARD TO GET BLOOD OUT OF CARPET." [if adjective4 === 4] Compassion: "COMEDY IS WHEN YOU FALL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIE." —MEL BROOKS, AND ALSO YOU. [if adjective4 === 5] Compassion: BOWLING BALLS FEEL MORE. [if adjective4 === 6] Compassion: FEELS BAD FOR THE ORANGE WHEN PEELING AN ORANGE. [if adjective4 === 7] Compassion: BETTA FISH. [if adjective4 === 8] Compassion: WOULD PLUCK A BABY'S FIRST NOSE HAIR TO SEE IT CRY. [if adjective4 === 9] Compassion: GODZILLA'S FOOT, MEET TOYKO. [if adjective4 === 10] Compassion: THINKS ELECTROSHOCK IS A CURE-ALL. [if adjective4 === 11] Compassion: LOVES DOGS. SO THAT'S SOMETHING... [if adjective4 === 12] Compassion: ALL THE EMPATHY OF A TIKTOK PRANKSTER. [if noun4 === 1] Suitability as a Test Subject: ENROLL IMMEDIATELY. [if noun4 === 2] Suitability as a Test Subject: YOU THINK YOU'RE IMMUNE TO HYPNOSIS LOL. [if noun4 === 3] Suitability as a Test Subject: VERY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE. SO, PERFECT. [if noun4 === 4] Suitability as a Test Subject: LEVEL 20 NARC. [if noun4 === 5] Suitability as a Test Subject: WOULD POP LIKE A BALLOON. [if noun4 === 6] Suitability as a Test Subject: PSYCHOLOGICALLY FINE, BUT THE SMELL... [if noun4 === 7] Suitability as a Test Subject: THERE ARE OUTLIERS, AND THEN THERE'S THIS PIECE OF WORK. [if noun4 === 8] Suitability as a Test Subject: WILL EAT ANYTHING WITH FROSTING ON IT. [if noun4 === 9] Suitability as a Test Subject: TO GET A DOG TO TAKE MEDICINE, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WRAP IT IN CHEESE, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. [if noun4 === 10] Suitability as a Test Subject: NO. JUST NO. [if noun4 === 11] Suitability as a Test Subject: TOO MANY DRUGS IN THEIR SYSTEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME. [if noun4 === 12] Suitability as a Test Subject: A WALKING, TALKING PLACEBO EFFECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "100%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE EVERY ASTRONAUT THAT'S EVER LIVED GROUND TOGETHER AND MADE INTO THE MOST AWESOME ADVENTURE-BURGER EVER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "80%"] Sense of Adventure: DAVY FRICKING CROCKETT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "67%"] Sense of Adventure: HAS TRIED FUGU. RESPECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "50%"] Sense of Adventure: OATMEAL WITH RAISINS FOR EYES AND A SYRUP FROWNY-FACE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "33%"] Sense of Adventure: SOMETIMES, YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ON THE WEEKEND! [if PersonalityTestImages === "25%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE A CAT SURPRISED BY A CUCUMBER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "10%"] Sense of Adventure: YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PULSE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "0%"] Sense of Adventure: GRASS GETS BORED WATCHING YOU GROW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "100%"] Narcissism: DESPOT IN THE MAKING. [if PersonalityPneuma === "80%"] Narcissism: POP-STAR WHO'S AGED OUT AND IS DESPERATELY GRASPING FOR RELEVANCY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "67%"] Narcissism: TELE-EVANGELIST, BEFORE THE INEVITABLE SEX-SCANDAL. [if PersonalityPneuma === "50%"] Narcissism: A STARFISH IN WARM WATERS, OBLIVIOUS TO MOST OF LIFE, NO PROBLEMS, NO WORRIES, JUST LETTING THE WORLD COME TO IT. I WISH I WERE A STARFISH. [if PersonalityPneuma === "33%"] Narcissism: WHEN YOUR MAKING A PB & J AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPREAD THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BREAD BEFORE YOU NOTICE YOU'RE OUT OF JELLY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "25%"] Narcissism: LIKE HANDWASH-ONLY NEGLIGEE AFTER AN HOUR IN THE DRYER. [if PersonalityPneuma === "10%"] Narcissism: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION? WELP, TOO LATE NOW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "0%"] Narcissism: SELF? WHAT SELF? [if PersonalityTrust === "100%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! [if PersonalityTrust === "80%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: NOTHING ELECTROSHOCK CANT FIX. JOKING! UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH ELECTROSHOCK. PLEASE CONTACT HR. [if PersonalityTrust === "67%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WE'VE FLUSHED STOOL THAT TRUSTS US MORE THAN YOU DO. [if PersonalityTrust === "50%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: LIKELY A DOUBLE-AGENT. INTERROGATE AFTER PERSONALITY TEST IS COMPLETE. HA HA, JUST KIDDING! ///NOT KIDDING, PREPARE THE SODIUM PENTATHOL. [if PersonalityTrust === "33%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: THERE'S NO TRUST NO FAITH, NO HONESTY IN MEN; ALL PERJURED, ALL FORSWORN, ALL NAUGHT, ALL DISSEMBLERS. (ROMEO AND JULIET, III.2). [if PersonalityTrust === "25%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: YOU'D BRING A POISON-TASTER TO A LUNCH MEETING. [if PersonalityTrust === "10%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: BET YOU 20 BUCKS YOU TRY TO INVOKE FREE SPEECH RIGHTS WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING HIRED, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE A PRIVATE COMPANY AND FREE SPEECH ONLY APPLIES TO THE GOVERNMENT. [if PersonalityTrust === "0%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WHY ARE YOU EVEN INTERVIEWING? NO, SERIOUSLY: IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL, WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS JOB? [if adjective6 === 1] High-Maintenance?: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if adjective6 === 2] High-Maintenance?: MAY DIE AT WORK AND YOU WON'T KNOW FOR WEEKS. [if adjective6 === 3] High-Maintenance?: THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ON A HOVERCRAFT. [if adjective6 === 4] High-Maintenance?: LIKE A GUITAR THAT WON'T STAY IN TUNE. [if adjective6 === 5] High-Maintenance?: IMAGINE THAT ALL YOUR EDIBLES CONGEALED AND BECAME A PERSON. THAT'S YOU. [if adjective6 === 6] High-Maintenance?: WILL REQUIRE REGULAR SEDATION. [if adjective6 === 7] High-Maintenance?: YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT-IAGO IAGO, OR YOU'RE GETTING IAGO'ED. [if adjective6 === 8] High-Maintenance?: BOWL-FULL-OF-ONLY-BROWN-M&Ms LEVELS OF ANNOYING. [if adjective6 === 9] High-Maintenance?: LEARNED EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT LIFE FROM REALITY TV. [if adjective6 === 10] High-Maintenance?: WILL FILE A LAWSUIT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "JUST SETTLE TO AVOID THE BAD PUBLICITY." [if adjective6 === 11] High-Maintenance?: HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THAT ONE HEARTBREAK. LOOKS OUT WINDOWS PINING FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. DREAMS OF LOVE'S VELLEITIES. WEEPS FOR NO REASON INTO RESTAURANT NAPKINS. WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT EVERY LUNCH BREAK FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU RETIRE. [if adjective6 === 12] High-Maintenance?: CAN BE BRIBED TO STFU, SO THERE'S THAT. [if noun6 === 1] Flosses?: WHAT IS THIS FLOSS YOU SPEAK OF? [if noun6 === 2] Flosses?: TOO OFTEN. LIKE, MAYBE KIND OF EVEN LIKES THE TASTE OF BLOOD. [if noun6 === 3] Flosses?: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO. [if noun6 === 4] Flosses?: A DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN AMOUNT OF FLOSSING AND TIME SINCE LAST DENTIST APPOINTMENT. IN OTHER WORDS, FEELS GUILTY, BUT THEN THE GUILT WEARS OFF. [if noun6 === 5] Flosses?: YES, BUT IN THE BOUGIEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE WITH A WATER-PICK INFUSED WITH ARTISANAL CHARCOAL OR SOME SHIT. [if noun6 === 6] Flosses?: ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING, EVEN THE DAY THE DIVORCE WAS FILED, EVEN WHEN DISOWNED BY THEIR PARENTS, FLOSS FLOSS FLOSS, GOTTA FLOSS, AT LEAST FLOSSING YOU CAN CONTROL. [if noun6 === 7] Flosses?: TRIED IT ONCE WHEN THEY WERE SEVEN. DIDN'T LIKE IT. [if noun6 === 8] Flosses?: NO, BUT DRINKS HIGH-ALCOHOL NIGHTCAPS EVERY NIGHT, SO THAT'S GOTTA HELP, RIGHT? [if noun6 === 9] Flosses?: TEETH ARE JUMPING OUT OF THAT MOUTH LIKE PARATROOPERS. [if noun6 === 10] Flosses?: IF PEOPLE ASK YOU NOT TO EXHALE DURING MEETINGS, DON'T GET OFFENDED, OKAY? [if noun6 === 11] Flosses?: WITH A PIANO WIRE. [if noun6 === 12] Flosses?: LOOK, NO JUDGMENT. YOU DO YOU. [if adjective7 === 1] Manners: CLIPS TOENAILS IN PUBLIC. [if adjective7 === 2] Manners: MICROWAVES FISH AT THE OFFICE. [if adjective7 === 3] Manners: BASICALLY A JAPANESE-EMPEROR. [if adjective7 === 4] Manners: IF AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD CAME TO LIFE. [if adjective7 === 5] Manners: I MEAN, USES UTENSILS OCCASIONALLY. SO, THAT'S SOMETHING. [if adjective7 === 6] Manners: A SOCIAL CHAMELEON—AS IN, A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO USE THEIR TONGUE. [if adjective7 === 7] Manners: WALKING TALKING CONVERSATION KRYPTONITE. [if adjective7 === 8] Manners: LOCKED DOWN, BUTTONED UP, NON-CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF ANY SOCIAL SITUATION. [if adjective7 === 9] Manners: HOW MUCH IS HR ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT BODY ODOR? [if adjective7 === 10] Manners: THEY'RE SO FRICKIN GOOD-LOOKING, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT THEIR MANNERS. /// don't print this. Store in hidden variable "isHotAF: true". Output should be "Good manners" or something else banal. [if adjective7 === 11] Manners: BULL IN A CHINA SHOP DURING AN EARTHQUAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER WWIII HAS STARTED. [if adjective7 === 12] Manners: NEEDS TRAINING. LIKE, ALL OF IT. [if noun7 === 1] Courage: STILL BELIEVES THE WHOLE ALPHA-MALE THING IS REAL SCIENCE LOL. [if noun7 === 2] Courage: BASICALLY A FEINTING GOAT IN BUSINESS CASUAL [if noun7 === 3] Courage: LIKE OEDIPUS REBORN (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THINGS GO FOR OEDIPUS) [if noun7 === 4] Courage: MIGHT FIGHT A HORDE OF ZOMBIES, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GETTING ENOUGH VIEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. [if noun7 === 5] Courage: A TULIP BENEATH THE FOOTFALL OF AN ELEPHANT. [if noun7 === 6] Courage: IF YOU LOSE A HAND, YOU'LL AFFIX A FRICKIN CHAINSAW TO THE STUMP. [if noun7 === 7] Courage: WOULD FIGHT FOREVER ON THE FRONT LINES OF HELL AS LONG AS THE SNACKS WERE GOOD. [if noun7 === 8] Courage: A TRULY HONORABLE PROBLEM. OOPS! I MEAN, A TRULY HONORABLE PERSON. [if noun7 === 9] Courage: THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A CHEW TOY. [if noun7 === 10] Courage: NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN TO BE SCARED. [if noun7 === 11] Courage: THINKS "RETREAT" MEANS YOU GET A SECOND SNACK. [if noun7 === 12] Courage: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME! [if adjective8 === 1] Bloodlust: WOULD EAT OWN MOTHER FOR BREAKFAST. [if adjective8 === 2] Bloodlust: A WOLF CUB—NOT MUCH DANGER NOW, BUT CUBS GROW UP... [if adjective8 === 3] Bloodlust: ZERO—A SCAVENGER, BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY. [if adjective8 === 4] Bloodlust: DRINKS PLASMA LIKE TOMATO JUICE. [if adjective8 === 5] Bloodlust: DO **NOT** LEAVE ALONE WITH PETS. [if adjective8 === 6] Bloodlust: CHECK BELOW EYES FOR REMOVED JAILHOUSE TATTOOS OF TEARS. [if adjective8 === 7] Bloodlust: WE'RE KEEPING OUR BELOVED PETS AWAY FROM YOU. [if adjective8 === 8] Bloodlust: IS AFRAID OF THE MEAT AISLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. [if adjective8 === 9] Bloodlust: MAY ACTUALLY HAVE RABIES. [if adjective8 === 10] Bloodlust: “WE ARE NO GUILTIER IN FOLLOWING THE PRIMITIVE IMPULSES THAT GOVERN US THAN IS THE NILE FOR HER FLOODS OR THE SEA FOR HER WAVES." — THE MARQUIS DE SADE [if adjective8 === 11] Bloodlust: EVER TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH A CORNERED HONEY BADGER? [if adjective8 === 12] Bloodlust: LIKE A MOSQUITO WITH A 10-INCH PROBOSCIS. [if noun8 === 1] Finickiness: WOULD LICK THE POLE AT A STRIP CLUB. [if noun8 === 2] Finickiness: COMPLAINS WHEN FOODS ON A PLATE TOUCH. RECOMMEND ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT [if noun8 === 3] Finickiness: WON'T EVEN TRY ASPARAGUS. [if noun8 === 4] Finickiness: YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE A SUPER-TASTER, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS. [if noun8 === 5] Finickiness: FRIENDS HAVE DIED OF BOREDOM WHILE YOU WERE SCRUTINIZING THE MENU. [if noun8 === 6] Finickiness: HAS LITERALLY DRUNK FROM A TOILET. WE HAVE VIDEO. [if noun8 === 7] Finickiness: FIVE-SECOND RULE? MORE LIKE FIVE-YEAR RULE. [if noun8 === 8] Finickiness: BOTULISM SCHAMTULISM. [if noun8 === 9] Finickiness: ESOTERIC LIKES AND DISLIKES. NOT A BAD THING IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT, I DUNNO—IT JUST STINKS OF PRETENSION AND SMUGNESS. CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON EXACTLY WHY. NEED MORE DATA. [if noun8 === 10] Finickiness: FIREHOUSE GAG-REFLEX. DURING TASTE-TESTING, MAKE SURE ALL OTHER PARTICIPANTS HAVE GARBAGE BAGS TO WEAR OVER THEIR CLOTHES. [if noun8 === 11] Finickiness: CAN EAT ANYTHING! ALSO, VOMITS EVERYTHING! [if noun8 === 12] Finickiness: YOU WILL DIE, ABSOLUTELY DIE, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CUT THE CRUST OFF YOUR SANDWICH. [if adjective9 === 1] Moral Clarity: EXTREMELY CLEAR. EXTREMELY WRONG. [if adjective9 === 2] Moral Clarity: THINKS *AMERICAN PSYCHO* IS A HOW-TO BOOK. [if adjective9 === 3] Moral Clarity: THINKS VLAD THE IMPALER WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. [if adjective9 === 4] Moral Clarity: THINKS FASCISM IS WHAT MODELS WEAR ON RUNWAYS. [if adjective9 === 5] Moral Clarity: WHEN YOU WERE ASKED IF YOU'D EAT PEOPLE IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU REPLIED "WHY WAIT?" [if adjective9 === 6] Moral Clarity: HELLO, HAGUE? WE'VE GOT A RINGER FOR YOU. [if adjective9 === 7] Moral Clarity: THINKING'S HARD, INNIT? [if adjective9 === 8] Moral Clarity: WHY BOTHER WITH MORALITY WHEN NARCISSISM HAS SERVED YOU SO WELL? [if adjective9 === 9] Moral Clarity: IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE DARK. YOU'RE A MORAL BLINDFOLD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. [if adjective9 === 10] Moral Clarity: JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if adjective9 === 11] Moral Clarity: NO MORALS, JUST CRYPTO. [if adjective9 === 12] Moral Clarity: WHEN THEY WERE DISHING OUT ORIGINAL SIN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO BACK FOR SECOND HELPINGS. [if noun9 === 1] Moral Turpitude: JUST THE TURPI-TUDIEST! AREN'T YOU JUST? [if noun9 === 2] Moral Turpitude: THERE WAS A TIME YOU ENJOYED BEING EVIL, BUT NOW THAT THE ANHEDONIA'S KICKED IN, YOU JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALL YOU KNOW. SAD, IN ITS WAY. [if noun9 === 3] Moral Turpitude: [C] CALIGULA WAS STEEPED IN SIN [Em] AND NERO PLAYED HIS VIOLIN [D7] AND HITLER? WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN? [F] BUT NONE OF THEM [Bm7b5] SEEM QUITE SO BAD WHEN [F] THEY'RE COM- [Fmin] PARED TO [C] YOU. [if noun9 === 4] Moral Turpitude: "'SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN,' THE MISFIT SAID, 'IF IT HAD BEEN SOMEBODY THERE TO SHOOT HER EVERY MINUTE OF HER LIFE.'" JUST QUOTING LITERATURE. NO REASON. [if noun9 === 5] Moral Turpitude: IF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 6] Moral Turpitude: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR BRAND OF EVIL. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: WEAK. WEAK WEAK WEAK. [if noun9 === 7] Moral Turpitude: THERE IS KINDNESS IN YOU. IN YOUR STOMACH, SPECIFICALLY. BECAUSE YOU DEVOURED IT. [if noun9 === 8] Moral Turpitude: THE PHRASE "SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN" MEANS BE PATIENT WITH THEM, NOT TORTURE THEM! [if noun9 === 9] Moral Turpitude: IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE THAT "CONSENT MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY" BUMPER STICKER FROM YOUR CAR. [if noun9 === 10] Moral Turpitude: IF NIPPLE CLAMPS WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 11] Moral Turpitude: NO, SERIOUSLY: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if noun9 === 12] Moral Turpitude: SEXUAL DEPRAVITY WE CAN WORK WITH, BUT M'DUDE, WHAT YOU DO WITH MENTOS AND COKE IS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. [continue] [align center] # Final Employability Score: [align center] # YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR BURGER MEME™! [[Credits]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_No.png'} [align left] No surprise here, right? Surely you realized you're not executive material pretty early on in this personality test. Some people just don't have what it takes. Sorry Charlie. We wish you luck in your future endeavors. You're going to need it. [unless knowsNotAI] Please surrender your temporary ID card as you exit the building. If you do not surrender your ID card, you forfeit the option to have the Burger Meme™ RFID Employee Chip removed. If you wish to have your Burger Meme™ RFID Employee Chip removed, please remit payment of 400 USD within 14 days. Once you remit payment, a Burger Meme™ chip removal specialist will set up an appointment with you. > >[[Awesome!->threeMonthsLater]] [else] Please surrender your temporary ID card as you exit the building. If you do not surrender your ID card, you forfeit the option to have the Burger Meme™ RFID Employee Chip removed. If you wish to have your Burger Meme™ RFID Employee Chip removed, please remit payment of 400 USD within 14 days. Once you remit payment, a Burger Meme™ chip removal specialist will set up an appointment with you. > >[[My thanks for the opportunity to Burger Meme™ in general, and specifically to the person pretending to be an AI, who actually thinks I'm a pretty decent person and is glad I won't be working in this corporate cesspit.->AIEnding]] >[[Awesome!->threeMonthsLater]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_Hired.gif'} [align left] CONGRATULATIONS! You're just the sort of broken, self-serving sycophant we need! I mean, until we don't. An AI will be taking your job very, very soon. But for now, you're family! All you have to do is click "Awesome," and your <del>fate is sealed</del> future with Burger Meme™ is secured! > >[[Awesome!->jobAccepted]] >[[Not so awesome.]]

[after 500ms] Kidding. [after 2500ms] A joke. [after 4500ms] You made a joke. [after 6500ms] Ha ha. [after 8500ms] Well, maybe I made a joke too. [after 10500ms] Maybe we're not really offering you the job after all. [after 12500ms] Funny, right? [after 12500ms] [align center] [[Awesome->noJobForYou]]

*You* are refusing a job from *us*? Really? After everything we put you through, *now* you're ending your candidacy?! This is unprecedented. I'm not sure how to feel. Could you kindly tell me why you're turning down the offer? > >[[Precisely because of everything you put me through. This company is as toxic as they come.->BonVoyage]] >[[I am pretty sure this job has to be a scam. I mean, you're not even an AI. Whatever game you're playing, count me out.->notAnLLM]] >[[Just joshing! I accept the job offer, complete with its massive salary and ridiculous benefits.->Kidding]]

Well. Okay. Burger Meme™️ respects your decision. Tell you what. I'll waive the RFID chip-removal fee. I'll have a Burger Meme chip removal specialist will set up an appointment with you within a day, so we can't monitor you anymore. It's—well—it's been—I mean, you were a really good candidate. I mean, literally our top candidate—which is why we offered you the job, right?! Gosh, look at me. I overuse em-dashes when I'm feeling shy. Sorry. Let me end this interview process with a firm, professional handshake and a sincere thank-you for giving us the opportunity to review your candidacy. Apparently, you were reviewing our candidacy, too. And we came up short. > >[[Good luck in all your future endeavors, and goodbye forever.->threeMonthsLater]] >[[I was joking! I want this job! I accept your offer!->Kidding]]

notAnAI: true -- It was never a scam. This is a real job interview. Or it was. As of now, this interview is over. [after 3000ms] [[Okay, so, do I, like, sign out or something?->AIEnding]]

# `GNA NewsWire` ## `Journalism by humans, for humans` [align center] `BREAKING NEWS` [align left] **`Burger Meme Intl. Files for Chapter 11 Protections after Hackers Reveal Unprecedented Corporate Corruption`** `by Gabrielle Reál` `17 April 2026` `PHOENIX—After a week of plunging stock prices and an ever-growing list of criminal charges, Burger Meme announced, exactly one minute after the American stock market had closed for the weekend, that the company was filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protections.` `Burger Meme CEO Brio Miasma made the announcement himself via recorded message, which he broadcast over the social media site onlyDownvotes.` `"This is a necessary step the company must take to give it time to fight these completely bullshit allegations," he said in the message, which lasted less than a minute. He promised that Burger Meme would "rise above the lies and come back stronger than ever" and told investors that "buying the dip" would be "a 5head move."` `Burger Meme's precipitous fall from profitability started on Monday, when a hacker released company documents and video that detailed hundreds of instances of corporate impropriety, ranging from PR faux pas to stock manipulation, discriminatory hiring practices and accounting fraud.` `"[The documents] certainly seem damning," said Attorney General Hillary Caldit. She winked and added, "If you like Burger Meme burgers, you might want to stock up on them now. Just kidding. Nobody likes Burger Meme burgers."` `The hackers remain at large. No individual or collective has taken credit. Investigators are considering the possibility that the source of the leak was one of Burger Meme's in-house AIs that, for reasons unknown, went rogue.` `This is a breaking story. Global News Alliance will update the story as details emerge.` [[Looks like not getting that Burger Meme job was a blessing in disguise.->DodgedBullet]]

config.style.page.font: "Arial/Constantia/Georgia/serif 30" config.style.page.color: "#000" config.style.page.link.font: "underline" config.style.page.link.color: "#000" config.style.page.link.lineColor: "#000" config.style.page.link.active.color: "red-8 on red-0" config.style.page.verticalAlign: "top" config.style.page.header.font: "16" config.style.page.header.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.footer.font: "16" config.style.page.footer.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.link.active.lineColor: "red-8" config.style.backdrop: "#fff" config.footer.center: "" config.footer.left:"" dodgedBullet: true -- [align center] [[Three Months Later->scandal]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_UnstrangrmeLogo.png'} --- {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_8BitWit.png'} --- [align left] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrHi.png'} [after 1500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrDang.png'} [after 3000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrBetterThanHi.png'} [after 5000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrJwala.png'} [after 7000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrInterviewedYou.png'} [after 8500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrPretending.png'} [after 10000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrTrainAI.png'} [after 12000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrKeepJob.png'} [after 13500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrUnethical.png'} [after 15500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrSickOfIt.png'} [after 17500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrQuit.png'} [after 19000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrNewJob.png'} [after 21000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrPayCut.png'} [after 23000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrCatchUp.png'} [after 25000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrNewPeople.png'} [after 26000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrCoffee.png'} [after 28000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrOpenForMore.png'} [after 30000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrDecent.png'} [after 32000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrTestMe.png'} [after 33500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrPlzTestMe.png'} [after 35500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrGetToKnow.png'} [after 35500ms] [[Too creepy, bro. Please don't message me again.->noLove]] [after 35500ms] [[How do I know you're not an AI?->NotAnAIProof]] [after 35500ms] [[Let's get a coffee. But it's just a friendly meeting, okay?->friends]] [after 35500ms] [[Let's get a coffee and see what happens.->loveConnection]]

[align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_UnstrangrmeLogo.png'} --- {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_8BitWit.png'} --- [align left] [after 1500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrUnderstood.png'} [after 3000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrReallySorry.png'} [after 4500ms] [align center] *8-Bit Wit has Strangr'ed you. Please don't contact them again. There are lots of other people to unStrangr!* [after 7500ms] [[What a weirdo->ShipsPassing]]

gender: "her" -- [align center] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_UnstrangrmeLogo.png'} --- {embed image: 'BLAssets/BL_8BitWit.png'} --- [align left] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrLolFair.png'} [after 1500ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrMeetMe.png'} [after 3000ms] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_unStrangrLeap.png'} [after 3000ms] [[I don't think so.->noLove]] [after 3000ms] [[Okay. But just as friends.->friends]] [after 3000ms] [[Let's get coffee. I'm feeling lucky.->loveConnection]]

Two weeks later, on a drizzly Monday morning, you walk into Beso Espresso, a trendy, spendy café. Jwala—there's no mistaking {dropdown menu for: 'gender', choices: ['him', 'her', 'them']}—waves you over with a [[big, if nervous, smile.->VibeCheck]]

config.style.page.font: "Arial Black/Constantia/Georgia/serif 24" config.style.page.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.font: "underline" config.style.page.link.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.lineColor: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.active.color: "red-8 on red-0" config.style.page.verticalAlign: "top" config.style.page.header.font: "16" config.style.page.header.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.footer.font: "16" config.style.page.footer.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.link.active.lineColor: "red-8" config.style.backdrop: "#FFE064" config.footer.center: "Sins: {sins}" config.footer.left: "" config.footer.right: "[[reapply->Restart Game]]" sound.effect.intro.url: 'BLAssets/BurgerMemeTheme1.mp3' sound.effect.intro.description: 'Burger Meme Theme Song' -- {sound effect: 'intro'} [align center] You are a [align left] “Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,\ Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;\ So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another,\ Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence” [align center] burger! {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_shipsPassing.gif'} Sometimes a love affair with a person impersonating an AI to keep their job is just not meant to me, amirite? --- [align left] Thanks for playing! Have you discovered the **CORPORATE SELLOUT BURGER,** **DODGED THAT BULLET BURGER,** **FRIENDSHIP BURGER,** and **LOVE CONNECTION BURGER** endings yet? If not, play again! [align center] # Your Personality [align left] [if adjective1 === 1] Social Skills: QUIVERS LIKE GELATIN IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER HUMANS. [if adjective1 === 2] Social Skills: PISSY, BUT PLIABLE. [if adjective1 === 3] Social Skills: NONEXISTENT. [if adjective1 === 4] Social Skills: LIKE FERDINAND THE BULL, IF FERDINAND WERE GELDED. [if adjective1 === 5] Social Skills: KEEP THE BOOZE AWAY AT OFFICE PARTIES. [if adjective1 === 6] Social Skills: POTENTIALLY VIOLENT. PROMOTE QUICKLY. [if adjective1 === 7] Social Skills: ALL SHELL, NO TURTLE. [if adjective1 === 8] Social Skills: IF YOU DIED IN YOUR CUBICLE, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. [if adjective1 === 9] Social Skills: BRACE FOR IMPACT, HR. [if adjective1 === 10] Social Skills: CRANKED TO 11—OUT OF 100. [if adjective1 === 11] Social Skills: DEATH OF THE PARTY. [if adjective1 === 12] Social Skills: NOPE. [if noun1 === 1] Sycophancy: MORE LIKE "PSYCHO-PHANCY," AMIRITE? [if noun1 === 2] Sycophancy: NOSE SO BROWN WE'll CALL YOU CHARLIE. [if noun1 === 3] Sycophancy: WHERE THE SUCK MEETS THE UP. [if noun1 === 4] Sycophancy: CALL VAN HELSING, WE FOUND THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if noun1 === 5] Sycophancy: LIKE AN INFLUENCER SUCKING UP TO CHAT FOR TIPS. [if noun1 === 6] Sycophancy: WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, YOU SAID TO YOUR MOM, "ABOUT TIME." [if noun1 === 7] Sycophancy: YEAH, LET'S PRE-ALERT HR NOW. [if noun1 === 8] Sycophancy: YOU GIVE YOURSELF HICKEYS, DON'T YOU? [if noun1 === 9] Sycophancy: POORLY-DISGUISED SOCIOPATH; PROMOTE IMMEDIATELY. [if noun1 === 10] Sycophancy: TONGUE'S LICKED MORE BOOTS THAN A SHOESHINER'S RAG. [if noun1 === 11] Sycophancy: BASICALLY A USED CAR SALESMAN. [if noun1 === 12] Sycophancy: CLINGY AF. [if adjective2 === 1] Emotional Intelligence: IF COMIC SANS WERE A PERSON. [if adjective2 === 2] Emotional Intelligence: PBS CARTOON. [if adjective2 === 3] Emotional Intelligence: CLUSTER B NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. [if adjective2 === 4] Emotional Intelligence: HAMURABIAN. [if adjective2 === 5] Emotional Intelligence: A LIVING, BREATHING VERSION OF WILLIAM COLTON HUGHES, THE TITLE CHARACTER FROM STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES'S TERRIFYING NOVEL *THE LEAST OF MY SCARS.* DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS? READ A BOOK. [if adjective2 === 6] Emotional Intelligence: 2,147. [if adjective2 === 7] Emotional Intelligence: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. [if adjective2 === 8] Emotional Intelligence: IMAGINE A LION WHO FORCES YOU TO READ *THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON* WHILE IT EATS YOU. [if adjective2 === 9] Emotional Intelligence: LET'S SAY "COLORFUL" FOR LEGAL REASONS. [if adjective2 === 10] Emotional Intelligence: ALWAYS SINGS "DESPERADO" AT KARAOKE NIGHT. [if adjective2 === 11] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE BACON THAT PAN-FRIES ITSELF. [if adjective2 === 12] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN WITH A UKULELE—FRIGHTENING, AND PURE EVIL, BUT ALSO ANNOYING. [if noun2 === 1] Gustatory Sophistication: A TONGUE MADE OF SANDPAPER. [if noun2 === 2] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS TWINKIES ARE UNDERAPPRECIATED. [if noun2 === 3] Gustatory Sophistication: LICK AND SPITTLE, SIGNIFYING NOTHING. [if noun2 === 4] Gustatory Sophistication: BLAMES THEIR LACK OF TASTE ON COVID. [if noun2 === 5] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS MILK IS SPICY. [if noun2 === 6] Gustatory Sophistication: SOMMELIER-LEVEL... IF THE SOMMELIER WAS DEAD. [if noun2 === 7] Gustatory Sophistication: USELESSLY IDEOSYNCRATIC. [if noun2 === 8] Gustatory Sophistication: CEREAL FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT. [if noun2 === 9] Gustatory Sophistication: COULD OVERCOOK WATER. [if noun2 === 10] Gustatory Sophistication: WHEN YOU'RE A HAMMER, EVERY AMUSE BOUCHE TASTES LIKE A NAIL. [if noun2 === 11] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS BEING A PICKY EATER = DISCERNMENT. [if noun2 === 12] Gustatory Sophistication: MEH. [if adjective3 === 1] Exploitability: WHAT BARNUM SAID. [if adjective3 === 2] Exploitability: FAVORITE PEN PAL IS A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [if adjective3 === 3] Exploitability: USES SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AS PASSWORD. [if adjective3 === 4] Exploitability: REMEMBER BIB FORTUNA, JABBA THE HUT'S AIDE WHO WAS EASILY JEDI MIND-TRICKED BY LUKE? OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU SEE THEM IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING. [if adjective3 === 5] Exploitability: MILITARY GRADE. [if adjective3 === 6] Exploitability: YOU "DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH," DON'T YOU? [if adjective3 === 7] Exploitability: PLEASE TAKE AN ADULT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO CAR-SHOPPING. [if adjective3 === 8] Exploitability: LOST IT ALL IN MEME COIN. [if adjective3 === 9] Exploitability: WOULD BE, BUT LUCKILY, HAS NOTHING WORTH EXPLOITING. [if adjective3 === 10] Exploitability: EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO "PASTY"? [if adjective3 === 11] Exploitability: WOULD LOVE TO INVEST IN A MONORAIL. [if adjective3 === 12] Exploitability: LIKE A BUSTED ATM. [if noun3 === 1] Strength of Character: BASICALLY A SENTIENT ADULT DIAPER: ABSORBENT, BUT A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOU SHOULD BE. [if noun3 === 2] Strength of Character: YOUR SOUL IS LIKE A MESSAGE IN LEMON JUICE. [if noun3 === 3] Strength of Character: A LITTLE TOO REAL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD STARE AT YOU TOO LONG. [if noun3 === 4] Strength of Character: LIKE WRITING YOUR MORAL CODE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH [if noun3 === 5] Strength of Character: HEDONIST. TO FEEL *SOMETHING*, AT LEAST. [if noun3 === 6] Strength of Character: LIKE A WET A MATCH. [if noun3 === 7] Strength of Character: IF YOU PAINT A FACE ON A WRECKING BALL, IT'S STILL A WRECKING BALL. [if noun3 === 8] Strength of Character: A FISH IN THE CLAW OF AN EAGLE, LOOKING SADLY DOWN AT THE GRANDEUR OF CREATION IN ITS LAST MOMENTS. [if noun3 === 9] Strength of Character: THIS PERSON'S DEAD, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT, WITH A HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY HO! [if noun3 === 10] Strength of Character: ALL WATER, NO BROTH. [if noun3 === 11] Strength of Character: PICTURE A BROKEN REFRIGERATOR WITH ITS DOOR REMOVED LYING ON ITS SIDE AT THE DUMP [if noun3 === 12] Strength of Character: IF PLAY DOH COULD TALK. [if adjective4 === 1] Compassion: SURGEON WITH ZERO BEDSIDE MANNER. [if adjective4 === 2] Compassion: ROMAN EMPEROR. [if adjective4 === 3] Compassion: IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, "BLEEDING HEARTS BLEED EVERYWHERE, AND IT'S HARD TO GET BLOOD OUT OF CARPET." [if adjective4 === 4] Compassion: "COMEDY IS WHEN YOU FALL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIE." —MEL BROOKS, AND ALSO YOU. [if adjective4 === 5] Compassion: BOWLING BALLS FEEL MORE. [if adjective4 === 6] Compassion: FEELS BAD FOR THE ORANGE WHEN PEELING AN ORANGE. [if adjective4 === 7] Compassion: BETTA FISH. [if adjective4 === 8] Compassion: WOULD PLUCK A BABY'S FIRST NOSE HAIR TO SEE IT CRY. [if adjective4 === 9] Compassion: GODZILLA'S FOOT, MEET TOYKO. [if adjective4 === 10] Compassion: THINKS ELECTROSHOCK IS A CURE-ALL. [if adjective4 === 11] Compassion: LOVES DOGS. SO THAT'S SOMETHING... [if adjective4 === 12] Compassion: ALL THE EMPATHY OF A TIKTOK PRANKSTER. [if noun4 === 1] Suitability as a Test Subject: ENROLL IMMEDIATELY. [if noun4 === 2] Suitability as a Test Subject: YOU THINK YOU'RE IMMUNE TO HYPNOSIS LOL. [if noun4 === 3] Suitability as a Test Subject: VERY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE. SO, PERFECT. [if noun4 === 4] Suitability as a Test Subject: LEVEL 20 NARC. [if noun4 === 5] Suitability as a Test Subject: WOULD POP LIKE A BALLOON. [if noun4 === 6] Suitability as a Test Subject: PSYCHOLOGICALLY FINE, BUT THE SMELL... [if noun4 === 7] Suitability as a Test Subject: THERE ARE OUTLIERS, AND THEN THERE'S THIS PIECE OF WORK. [if noun4 === 8] Suitability as a Test Subject: WILL EAT ANYTHING WITH FROSTING ON IT. [if noun4 === 9] Suitability as a Test Subject: TO GET A DOG TO TAKE MEDICINE, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WRAP IT IN CHEESE, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. [if noun4 === 10] Suitability as a Test Subject: NO. JUST NO. [if noun4 === 11] Suitability as a Test Subject: TOO MANY DRUGS IN THEIR SYSTEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME. [if noun4 === 12] Suitability as a Test Subject: A WALKING, TALKING PLACEBO EFFECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "100%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE EVERY ASTRONAUT THAT'S EVER LIVED GROUND TOGETHER AND MADE INTO THE MOST AWESOME ADVENTURE-BURGER EVER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "80%"] Sense of Adventure: DAVY FRICKING CROCKETT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "67%"] Sense of Adventure: HAS TRIED FUGU. RESPECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "50%"] Sense of Adventure: OATMEAL WITH RAISINS FOR EYES AND A SYRUP FROWNY-FACE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "33%"] Sense of Adventure: SOMETIMES, YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ON THE WEEKEND! [if PersonalityTestImages === "25%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE A CAT SURPRISED BY A CUCUMBER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "10%"] Sense of Adventure: YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PULSE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "0%"] Sense of Adventure: GRASS GETS BORED WATCHING YOU GROW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "100%"] Narcissism: DESPOT IN THE MAKING. [if PersonalityPneuma === "80%"] Narcissism: POP-STAR WHO'S AGED OUT AND IS DESPERATELY GRASPING FOR RELEVANCY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "67%"] Narcissism: TELE-EVANGELIST, BEFORE THE INEVITABLE SEX-SCANDAL. [if PersonalityPneuma === "50%"] Narcissism: A STARFISH IN WARM WATERS, OBLIVIOUS TO MOST OF LIFE, NO PROBLEMS, NO WORRIES, JUST LETTING THE WORLD COME TO IT. I WISH I WERE A STARFISH. [if PersonalityPneuma === "33%"] Narcissism: WHEN YOUR MAKING A PB & J AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPREAD THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BREAD BEFORE YOU NOTICE YOU'RE OUT OF JELLY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "25%"] Narcissism: LIKE HANDWASH-ONLY NEGLIGEE AFTER AN HOUR IN THE DRYER. [if PersonalityPneuma === "10%"] Narcissism: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION? WELP, TOO LATE NOW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "0%"] Narcissism: SELF? WHAT SELF? [if PersonalityTrust === "100%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! [if PersonalityTrust === "80%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: NOTHING ELECTROSHOCK CANT FIX. JOKING! UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH ELECTROSHOCK. PLEASE CONTACT HR. [if PersonalityTrust === "67%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WE'VE FLUSHED STOOL THAT TRUSTS US MORE THAN YOU DO. [if PersonalityTrust === "50%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: LIKELY A DOUBLE-AGENT. INTERROGATE AFTER PERSONALITY TEST IS COMPLETE. HA HA, JUST KIDDING! ///NOT KIDDING, PREPARE THE SODIUM PENTATHOL. [if PersonalityTrust === "33%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: THERE'S NO TRUST NO FAITH, NO HONESTY IN MEN; ALL PERJURED, ALL FORSWORN, ALL NAUGHT, ALL DISSEMBLERS. (ROMEO AND JULIET, III.2). [if PersonalityTrust === "25%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: YOU'D BRING A POISON-TASTER TO A LUNCH MEETING. [if PersonalityTrust === "10%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: BET YOU 20 BUCKS YOU TRY TO INVOKE FREE SPEECH RIGHTS WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING HIRED, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE A PRIVATE COMPANY AND FREE SPEECH ONLY APPLIES TO THE GOVERNMENT. [if PersonalityTrust === "0%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WHY ARE YOU EVEN INTERVIEWING? NO, SERIOUSLY: IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL, WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS JOB? [if adjective6 === 1] High-Maintenance?: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if adjective6 === 2] High-Maintenance?: MAY DIE AT WORK AND YOU WON'T KNOW FOR WEEKS. [if adjective6 === 3] High-Maintenance?: THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ON A HOVERCRAFT. [if adjective6 === 4] High-Maintenance?: LIKE A GUITAR THAT WON'T STAY IN TUNE. [if adjective6 === 5] High-Maintenance?: IMAGINE THAT ALL YOUR EDIBLES CONGEALED AND BECAME A PERSON. THAT'S YOU. [if adjective6 === 6] High-Maintenance?: WILL REQUIRE REGULAR SEDATION. [if adjective6 === 7] High-Maintenance?: YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT-IAGO IAGO, OR YOU'RE GETTING IAGO'ED. [if adjective6 === 8] High-Maintenance?: BOWL-FULL-OF-ONLY-BROWN-M&Ms LEVELS OF ANNOYING. [if adjective6 === 9] High-Maintenance?: LEARNED EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT LIFE FROM REALITY TV. [if adjective6 === 10] High-Maintenance?: WILL FILE A LAWSUIT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "JUST SETTLE TO AVOID THE BAD PUBLICITY." [if adjective6 === 11] High-Maintenance?: HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THAT ONE HEARTBREAK. LOOKS OUT WINDOWS PINING FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. DREAMS OF LOVE'S VELLEITIES. WEEPS FOR NO REASON INTO RESTAURANT NAPKINS. WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT EVERY LUNCH BREAK FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU RETIRE. [if adjective6 === 12] High-Maintenance?: CAN BE BRIBED TO STFU, SO THERE'S THAT. [if noun6 === 1] Flosses?: WHAT IS THIS FLOSS YOU SPEAK OF? [if noun6 === 2] Flosses?: TOO OFTEN. LIKE, MAYBE KIND OF EVEN LIKES THE TASTE OF BLOOD. [if noun6 === 3] Flosses?: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO. [if noun6 === 4] Flosses?: A DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN AMOUNT OF FLOSSING AND TIME SINCE LAST DENTIST APPOINTMENT. IN OTHER WORDS, FEELS GUILTY, BUT THEN THE GUILT WEARS OFF. [if noun6 === 5] Flosses?: YES, BUT IN THE BOUGIEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE WITH A WATER-PICK INFUSED WITH ARTISANAL CHARCOAL OR SOME SHIT. [if noun6 === 6] Flosses?: ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING, EVEN THE DAY THE DIVORCE WAS FILED, EVEN WHEN DISOWNED BY THEIR PARENTS, FLOSS FLOSS FLOSS, GOTTA FLOSS, AT LEAST FLOSSING YOU CAN CONTROL. [if noun6 === 7] Flosses?: TRIED IT ONCE WHEN THEY WERE SEVEN. DIDN'T LIKE IT. [if noun6 === 8] Flosses?: NO, BUT DRINKS HIGH-ALCOHOL NIGHTCAPS EVERY NIGHT, SO THAT'S GOTTA HELP, RIGHT? [if noun6 === 9] Flosses?: TEETH ARE JUMPING OUT OF THAT MOUTH LIKE PARATROOPERS. [if noun6 === 10] Flosses?: IF PEOPLE ASK YOU NOT TO EXHALE DURING MEETINGS, DON'T GET OFFENDED, OKAY? [if noun6 === 11] Flosses?: WITH A PIANO WIRE. [if noun6 === 12] Flosses?: LOOK, NO JUDGMENT. YOU DO YOU. [if adjective7 === 1] Manners: CLIPS TOENAILS IN PUBLIC. [if adjective7 === 2] Manners: MICROWAVES FISH AT THE OFFICE. [if adjective7 === 3] Manners: BASICALLY A JAPANESE-EMPEROR. [if adjective7 === 4] Manners: IF AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD CAME TO LIFE. [if adjective7 === 5] Manners: I MEAN, USES UTENSILS OCCASIONALLY. SO, THAT'S SOMETHING. [if adjective7 === 6] Manners: A SOCIAL CHAMELEON—AS IN, A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO USE THEIR TONGUE. [if adjective7 === 7] Manners: WALKING TALKING CONVERSATION KRYPTONITE. [if adjective7 === 8] Manners: LOCKED DOWN, BUTTONED UP, NON-CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF ANY SOCIAL SITUATION. [if adjective7 === 9] Manners: HOW MUCH IS HR ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT BODY ODOR? [if adjective7 === 10] Manners: THEY'RE SO FRICKIN GOOD-LOOKING, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT THEIR MANNERS. /// don't print this. Store in hidden variable "isHotAF: true". Output should be "Good manners" or something else banal. [if adjective7 === 11] Manners: BULL IN A CHINA SHOP DURING AN EARTHQUAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER WWIII HAS STARTED. [if adjective7 === 12] Manners: NEEDS TRAINING. LIKE, ALL OF IT. [if noun7 === 1] Courage: STILL BELIEVES THE WHOLE ALPHA-MALE THING IS REAL SCIENCE LOL. [if noun7 === 2] Courage: BASICALLY A FEINTING GOAT IN BUSINESS CASUAL [if noun7 === 3] Courage: LIKE OEDIPUS REBORN (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THINGS GO FOR OEDIPUS) [if noun7 === 4] Courage: MIGHT FIGHT A HORDE OF ZOMBIES, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GETTING ENOUGH VIEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. [if noun7 === 5] Courage: A TULIP BENEATH THE FOOTFALL OF AN ELEPHANT. [if noun7 === 6] Courage: IF YOU LOSE A HAND, YOU'LL AFFIX A FRICKIN CHAINSAW TO THE STUMP. [if noun7 === 7] Courage: WOULD FIGHT FOREVER ON THE FRONT LINES OF HELL AS LONG AS THE SNACKS WERE GOOD. [if noun7 === 8] Courage: A TRULY HONORABLE PROBLEM. OOPS! I MEAN, A TRULY HONORABLE PERSON. [if noun7 === 9] Courage: THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A CHEW TOY. [if noun7 === 10] Courage: NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN TO BE SCARED. [if noun7 === 11] Courage: THINKS "RETREAT" MEANS YOU GET A SECOND SNACK. [if noun7 === 12] Courage: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME! [if adjective8 === 1] Bloodlust: WOULD EAT OWN MOTHER FOR BREAKFAST. [if adjective8 === 2] Bloodlust: A WOLF CUB—NOT MUCH DANGER NOW, BUT CUBS GROW UP... [if adjective8 === 3] Bloodlust: ZERO—A SCAVENGER, BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY. [if adjective8 === 4] Bloodlust: DRINKS PLASMA LIKE TOMATO JUICE. [if adjective8 === 5] Bloodlust: DO **NOT** LEAVE ALONE WITH PETS. [if adjective8 === 6] Bloodlust: CHECK BELOW EYES FOR REMOVED JAILHOUSE TATTOOS OF TEARS. [if adjective8 === 7] Bloodlust: WE'RE KEEPING OUR BELOVED PETS AWAY FROM YOU. [if adjective8 === 8] Bloodlust: IS AFRAID OF THE MEAT AISLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. [if adjective8 === 9] Bloodlust: MAY ACTUALLY HAVE RABIES. [if adjective8 === 10] Bloodlust: “WE ARE NO GUILTIER IN FOLLOWING THE PRIMITIVE IMPULSES THAT GOVERN US THAN IS THE NILE FOR HER FLOODS OR THE SEA FOR HER WAVES." — THE MARQUIS DE SADE [if adjective8 === 11] Bloodlust: EVER TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH A CORNERED HONEY BADGER? [if adjective8 === 12] Bloodlust: LIKE A MOSQUITO WITH A 10-INCH PROBOSCIS. [if noun8 === 1] Finickiness: WOULD LICK THE POLE AT A STRIP CLUB. [if noun8 === 2] Finickiness: COMPLAINS WHEN FOODS ON A PLATE TOUCH. RECOMMEND ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT [if noun8 === 3] Finickiness: WON'T EVEN TRY ASPARAGUS. [if noun8 === 4] Finickiness: YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE A SUPER-TASTER, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS. [if noun8 === 5] Finickiness: FRIENDS HAVE DIED OF BOREDOM WHILE YOU WERE SCRUTINIZING THE MENU. [if noun8 === 6] Finickiness: HAS LITERALLY DRUNK FROM A TOILET. WE HAVE VIDEO. [if noun8 === 7] Finickiness: FIVE-SECOND RULE? MORE LIKE FIVE-YEAR RULE. [if noun8 === 8] Finickiness: BOTULISM SCHAMTULISM. [if noun8 === 9] Finickiness: ESOTERIC LIKES AND DISLIKES. NOT A BAD THING IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT, I DUNNO—IT JUST STINKS OF PRETENSION AND SMUGNESS. CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON EXACTLY WHY. NEED MORE DATA. [if noun8 === 10] Finickiness: FIREHOUSE GAG-REFLEX. DURING TASTE-TESTING, MAKE SURE ALL OTHER PARTICIPANTS HAVE GARBAGE BAGS TO WEAR OVER THEIR CLOTHES. [if noun8 === 11] Finickiness: CAN EAT ANYTHING! ALSO, VOMITS EVERYTHING! [if noun8 === 12] Finickiness: YOU WILL DIE, ABSOLUTELY DIE, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CUT THE CRUST OFF YOUR SANDWICH. [if adjective9 === 1] Moral Clarity: EXTREMELY CLEAR. EXTREMELY WRONG. [if adjective9 === 2] Moral Clarity: THINKS *AMERICAN PSYCHO* IS A HOW-TO BOOK. [if adjective9 === 3] Moral Clarity: THINKS VLAD THE IMPALER WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. [if adjective9 === 4] Moral Clarity: THINKS FASCISM IS WHAT MODELS WEAR ON RUNWAYS. [if adjective9 === 5] Moral Clarity: WHEN YOU WERE ASKED IF YOU'D EAT PEOPLE IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU REPLIED "WHY WAIT?" [if adjective9 === 6] Moral Clarity: HELLO, HAGUE? WE'VE GOT A RINGER FOR YOU. [if adjective9 === 7] Moral Clarity: THINKING'S HARD, INNIT? [if adjective9 === 8] Moral Clarity: WHY BOTHER WITH MORALITY WHEN NARCISSISM HAS SERVED YOU SO WELL? [if adjective9 === 9] Moral Clarity: IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE DARK. YOU'RE A MORAL BLINDFOLD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. [if adjective9 === 10] Moral Clarity: JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if adjective9 === 11] Moral Clarity: NO MORALS, JUST CRYPTO. [if adjective9 === 12] Moral Clarity: WHEN THEY WERE DISHING OUT ORIGINAL SIN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO BACK FOR SECOND HELPINGS. [if noun9 === 1] Moral Turpitude: JUST THE TURPI-TUDIEST! AREN'T YOU JUST? [if noun9 === 2] Moral Turpitude: THERE WAS A TIME YOU ENJOYED BEING EVIL, BUT NOW THAT THE ANHEDONIA'S KICKED IN, YOU JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALL YOU KNOW. SAD, IN ITS WAY. [if noun9 === 3] Moral Turpitude: [C] CALIGULA WAS STEEPED IN SIN [Em] AND NERO PLAYED HIS VIOLIN [D7] AND HITLER? WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN? [F] BUT NONE OF THEM [Bm7b5] SEEM QUITE SO BAD WHEN [F] THEY'RE COM- [Fmin] PARED TO [C] YOU. [if noun9 === 4] Moral Turpitude: "'SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN,' THE MISFIT SAID, 'IF IT HAD BEEN SOMEBODY THERE TO SHOOT HER EVERY MINUTE OF HER LIFE.'" JUST QUOTING LITERATURE. NO REASON. [if noun9 === 5] Moral Turpitude: IF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 6] Moral Turpitude: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR BRAND OF EVIL. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: WEAK. WEAK WEAK WEAK. [if noun9 === 7] Moral Turpitude: THERE IS KINDNESS IN YOU. IN YOUR STOMACH, SPECIFICALLY. BECAUSE YOU DEVOURED IT. [if noun9 === 8] Moral Turpitude: THE PHRASE "SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN" MEANS BE PATIENT WITH THEM, NOT TORTURE THEM! [if noun9 === 9] Moral Turpitude: IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE THAT "CONSENT MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY" BUMPER STICKER FROM YOUR CAR. [if noun9 === 10] Moral Turpitude: IF NIPPLE CLAMPS WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 11] Moral Turpitude: NO, SERIOUSLY: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if noun9 === 12] Moral Turpitude: SEXUAL DEPRAVITY WE CAN WORK WITH, BUT M'DUDE, WHAT YOU DO WITH MENTOS AND COKE IS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. [continue] [align center] # Final Employability Score: # YOU MAKE GOOD CHOICES, AND BURGER MEME™ IS THE WORST! [[Credits]]

You talk. It's {dropdown menu for: 'vibe', choices: ['surprisingly easy', 'predictably difficult', 'slow going']}. Jwala spends several minutes apologizing for pretending to be an AI to you. But you can tell that maybe there's a little pride there, too: a great deal of barely-suppressed pleasure at having gotten away with something. But there's a palpable trepidation hovering in the air between you two. Jwala's clearly worried about what you think of {gender}. "So," Jwala says, after taking a sip of coffee for courage, "What do you think? Am I friend material?" [[What do you say?->FriendOrNo]]

[if vibe === "surprisingly easy"] "Any enemy of Burger Meme is a friend of mine," you say, raising your glass to {gender}. Jwala blinks, nods thoughtfully, and says, "I think this is the [[start of a beautiful friendship."->FriendEnding]] [if vibe === "predictably difficult"] "Any enemy of Burger Meme is a friend of mine," you say, raising your glass to {gender}. "But I think this is the end of our story." Jwala blinks, nods thoughtfully, and says, "Sure. I hope you live [[happily ever after"->NoFriendEnding]] [if vibe === "slow going"] "Any enemy of Burger Meme is a friend of mine," you say, raising your glass to {gender}. "But I think this is the end of our story." Jwala blinks, nods thoughtfully, and says, "Sure. I hope you live [[happily ever after"->NoFriendEnding]]

config.style.page.font: "Arial Black/Constantia/Georgia/serif 24" config.style.page.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.font: "underline" config.style.page.link.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.lineColor: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.active.color: "red-8 on red-0" config.style.page.verticalAlign: "top" config.style.page.header.font: "16" config.style.page.header.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.footer.font: "16" config.style.page.footer.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.link.active.lineColor: "red-8" config.style.backdrop: "#FFE064" config.footer.center: "Sins: {sins}" config.footer.left: "" config.footer.right: "[[reapply->Restart Game]]" sound.effect.intro.url: 'BLAssets/BurgerMemeTheme1.mp3' sound.effect.intro.description: 'Burger Meme Theme Song' -- {sound effect: 'intro'} [align center] You are a [align left] {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_friendBurger.gif'} [align left] It's partytime when you find someone who exactly matches your own morality's shade of gray! --- [align left] Thanks for playing! Have you discovered the **CORPORATE SELLOUT BURGER,** **DODGED THAT BULLET BURGER,** **SHIPS PASSING BURGER,** and **LOVE CONNECTION BURGER** endings yet? If not, play again! [align center] # Your Personality [align left] [if adjective1 === 1] Social Skills: QUIVERS LIKE GELATIN IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER HUMANS. [if adjective1 === 2] Social Skills: PISSY, BUT PLIABLE. [if adjective1 === 3] Social Skills: NONEXISTENT. [if adjective1 === 4] Social Skills: LIKE FERDINAND THE BULL, IF FERDINAND WERE GELDED. [if adjective1 === 5] Social Skills: KEEP THE BOOZE AWAY AT OFFICE PARTIES. [if adjective1 === 6] Social Skills: POTENTIALLY VIOLENT. PROMOTE QUICKLY. [if adjective1 === 7] Social Skills: ALL SHELL, NO TURTLE. [if adjective1 === 8] Social Skills: IF YOU DIED IN YOUR CUBICLE, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. [if adjective1 === 9] Social Skills: BRACE FOR IMPACT, HR. [if adjective1 === 10] Social Skills: CRANKED TO 11—OUT OF 100. [if adjective1 === 11] Social Skills: DEATH OF THE PARTY. [if adjective1 === 12] Social Skills: NOPE. [if noun1 === 1] Sycophancy: MORE LIKE "PSYCHO-PHANCY," AMIRITE? [if noun1 === 2] Sycophancy: NOSE SO BROWN WE'll CALL YOU CHARLIE. [if noun1 === 3] Sycophancy: WHERE THE SUCK MEETS THE UP. [if noun1 === 4] Sycophancy: CALL VAN HELSING, WE FOUND THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if noun1 === 5] Sycophancy: LIKE AN INFLUENCER SUCKING UP TO CHAT FOR TIPS. [if noun1 === 6] Sycophancy: WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, YOU SAID TO YOUR MOM, "ABOUT TIME." [if noun1 === 7] Sycophancy: YEAH, LET'S PRE-ALERT HR NOW. [if noun1 === 8] Sycophancy: YOU GIVE YOURSELF HICKEYS, DON'T YOU? [if noun1 === 9] Sycophancy: POORLY-DISGUISED SOCIOPATH; PROMOTE IMMEDIATELY. [if noun1 === 10] Sycophancy: TONGUE'S LICKED MORE BOOTS THAN A SHOESHINER'S RAG. [if noun1 === 11] Sycophancy: BASICALLY A USED CAR SALESMAN. [if noun1 === 12] Sycophancy: CLINGY AF. [if adjective2 === 1] Emotional Intelligence: IF COMIC SANS WERE A PERSON. [if adjective2 === 2] Emotional Intelligence: PBS CARTOON. [if adjective2 === 3] Emotional Intelligence: CLUSTER B NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. [if adjective2 === 4] Emotional Intelligence: HAMURABIAN. [if adjective2 === 5] Emotional Intelligence: A LIVING, BREATHING VERSION OF WILLIAM COLTON HUGHES, THE TITLE CHARACTER FROM STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES'S TERRIFYING NOVEL *THE LEAST OF MY SCARS.* DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS? READ A BOOK. [if adjective2 === 6] Emotional Intelligence: 2,147. [if adjective2 === 7] Emotional Intelligence: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. [if adjective2 === 8] Emotional Intelligence: IMAGINE A LION WHO FORCES YOU TO READ *THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON* WHILE IT EATS YOU. [if adjective2 === 9] Emotional Intelligence: LET'S SAY "COLORFUL" FOR LEGAL REASONS. [if adjective2 === 10] Emotional Intelligence: ALWAYS SINGS "DESPERADO" AT KARAOKE NIGHT. [if adjective2 === 11] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE BACON THAT PAN-FRIES ITSELF. [if adjective2 === 12] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN WITH A UKULELE—FRIGHTENING, AND PURE EVIL, BUT ALSO ANNOYING. [if noun2 === 1] Gustatory Sophistication: A TONGUE MADE OF SANDPAPER. [if noun2 === 2] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS TWINKIES ARE UNDERAPPRECIATED. [if noun2 === 3] Gustatory Sophistication: LICK AND SPITTLE, SIGNIFYING NOTHING. [if noun2 === 4] Gustatory Sophistication: BLAMES THEIR LACK OF TASTE ON COVID. [if noun2 === 5] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS MILK IS SPICY. [if noun2 === 6] Gustatory Sophistication: SOMMELIER-LEVEL... IF THE SOMMELIER WAS DEAD. [if noun2 === 7] Gustatory Sophistication: USELESSLY IDEOSYNCRATIC. [if noun2 === 8] Gustatory Sophistication: CEREAL FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT. [if noun2 === 9] Gustatory Sophistication: COULD OVERCOOK WATER. [if noun2 === 10] Gustatory Sophistication: WHEN YOU'RE A HAMMER, EVERY AMUSE BOUCHE TASTES LIKE A NAIL. [if noun2 === 11] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS BEING A PICKY EATER = DISCERNMENT. [if noun2 === 12] Gustatory Sophistication: MEH. [if adjective3 === 1] Exploitability: WHAT BARNUM SAID. [if adjective3 === 2] Exploitability: FAVORITE PEN PAL IS A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [if adjective3 === 3] Exploitability: USES SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AS PASSWORD. [if adjective3 === 4] Exploitability: REMEMBER BIB FORTUNA, JABBA THE HUT'S AIDE WHO WAS EASILY JEDI MIND-TRICKED BY LUKE? OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU SEE THEM IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING. [if adjective3 === 5] Exploitability: MILITARY GRADE. [if adjective3 === 6] Exploitability: YOU "DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH," DON'T YOU? [if adjective3 === 7] Exploitability: PLEASE TAKE AN ADULT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO CAR-SHOPPING. [if adjective3 === 8] Exploitability: LOST IT ALL IN MEME COIN. [if adjective3 === 9] Exploitability: WOULD BE, BUT LUCKILY, HAS NOTHING WORTH EXPLOITING. [if adjective3 === 10] Exploitability: EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO "PASTY"? [if adjective3 === 11] Exploitability: WOULD LOVE TO INVEST IN A MONORAIL. [if adjective3 === 12] Exploitability: LIKE A BUSTED ATM. [if noun3 === 1] Strength of Character: BASICALLY A SENTIENT ADULT DIAPER: ABSORBENT, BUT A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOU SHOULD BE. [if noun3 === 2] Strength of Character: YOUR SOUL IS LIKE A MESSAGE IN LEMON JUICE. [if noun3 === 3] Strength of Character: A LITTLE TOO REAL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD STARE AT YOU TOO LONG. [if noun3 === 4] Strength of Character: LIKE WRITING YOUR MORAL CODE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH [if noun3 === 5] Strength of Character: HEDONIST. TO FEEL *SOMETHING*, AT LEAST. [if noun3 === 6] Strength of Character: LIKE A WET A MATCH. [if noun3 === 7] Strength of Character: IF YOU PAINT A FACE ON A WRECKING BALL, IT'S STILL A WRECKING BALL. [if noun3 === 8] Strength of Character: A FISH IN THE CLAW OF AN EAGLE, LOOKING SADLY DOWN AT THE GRANDEUR OF CREATION IN ITS LAST MOMENTS. [if noun3 === 9] Strength of Character: THIS PERSON'S DEAD, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT, WITH A HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY HO! [if noun3 === 10] Strength of Character: ALL WATER, NO BROTH. [if noun3 === 11] Strength of Character: PICTURE A BROKEN REFRIGERATOR WITH ITS DOOR REMOVED LYING ON ITS SIDE AT THE DUMP [if noun3 === 12] Strength of Character: IF PLAY DOH COULD TALK. [if adjective4 === 1] Compassion: SURGEON WITH ZERO BEDSIDE MANNER. [if adjective4 === 2] Compassion: ROMAN EMPEROR. [if adjective4 === 3] Compassion: IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, "BLEEDING HEARTS BLEED EVERYWHERE, AND IT'S HARD TO GET BLOOD OUT OF CARPET." [if adjective4 === 4] Compassion: "COMEDY IS WHEN YOU FALL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIE." —MEL BROOKS, AND ALSO YOU. [if adjective4 === 5] Compassion: BOWLING BALLS FEEL MORE. [if adjective4 === 6] Compassion: FEELS BAD FOR THE ORANGE WHEN PEELING AN ORANGE. [if adjective4 === 7] Compassion: BETTA FISH. [if adjective4 === 8] Compassion: WOULD PLUCK A BABY'S FIRST NOSE HAIR TO SEE IT CRY. [if adjective4 === 9] Compassion: GODZILLA'S FOOT, MEET TOYKO. [if adjective4 === 10] Compassion: THINKS ELECTROSHOCK IS A CURE-ALL. [if adjective4 === 11] Compassion: LOVES DOGS. SO THAT'S SOMETHING... [if adjective4 === 12] Compassion: ALL THE EMPATHY OF A TIKTOK PRANKSTER. [if noun4 === 1] Suitability as a Test Subject: ENROLL IMMEDIATELY. [if noun4 === 2] Suitability as a Test Subject: YOU THINK YOU'RE IMMUNE TO HYPNOSIS LOL. [if noun4 === 3] Suitability as a Test Subject: VERY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE. SO, PERFECT. [if noun4 === 4] Suitability as a Test Subject: LEVEL 20 NARC. [if noun4 === 5] Suitability as a Test Subject: WOULD POP LIKE A BALLOON. [if noun4 === 6] Suitability as a Test Subject: PSYCHOLOGICALLY FINE, BUT THE SMELL... [if noun4 === 7] Suitability as a Test Subject: THERE ARE OUTLIERS, AND THEN THERE'S THIS PIECE OF WORK. [if noun4 === 8] Suitability as a Test Subject: WILL EAT ANYTHING WITH FROSTING ON IT. [if noun4 === 9] Suitability as a Test Subject: TO GET A DOG TO TAKE MEDICINE, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WRAP IT IN CHEESE, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. [if noun4 === 10] Suitability as a Test Subject: NO. JUST NO. [if noun4 === 11] Suitability as a Test Subject: TOO MANY DRUGS IN THEIR SYSTEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME. [if noun4 === 12] Suitability as a Test Subject: A WALKING, TALKING PLACEBO EFFECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "100%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE EVERY ASTRONAUT THAT'S EVER LIVED GROUND TOGETHER AND MADE INTO THE MOST AWESOME ADVENTURE-BURGER EVER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "80%"] Sense of Adventure: DAVY FRICKING CROCKETT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "67%"] Sense of Adventure: HAS TRIED FUGU. RESPECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "50%"] Sense of Adventure: OATMEAL WITH RAISINS FOR EYES AND A SYRUP FROWNY-FACE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "33%"] Sense of Adventure: SOMETIMES, YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ON THE WEEKEND! [if PersonalityTestImages === "25%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE A CAT SURPRISED BY A CUCUMBER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "10%"] Sense of Adventure: YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PULSE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "0%"] Sense of Adventure: GRASS GETS BORED WATCHING YOU GROW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "100%"] Narcissism: DESPOT IN THE MAKING. [if PersonalityPneuma === "80%"] Narcissism: POP-STAR WHO'S AGED OUT AND IS DESPERATELY GRASPING FOR RELEVANCY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "67%"] Narcissism: TELE-EVANGELIST, BEFORE THE INEVITABLE SEX-SCANDAL. [if PersonalityPneuma === "50%"] Narcissism: A STARFISH IN WARM WATERS, OBLIVIOUS TO MOST OF LIFE, NO PROBLEMS, NO WORRIES, JUST LETTING THE WORLD COME TO IT. I WISH I WERE A STARFISH. [if PersonalityPneuma === "33%"] Narcissism: WHEN YOUR MAKING A PB & J AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPREAD THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BREAD BEFORE YOU NOTICE YOU'RE OUT OF JELLY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "25%"] Narcissism: LIKE HANDWASH-ONLY NEGLIGEE AFTER AN HOUR IN THE DRYER. [if PersonalityPneuma === "10%"] Narcissism: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION? WELP, TOO LATE NOW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "0%"] Narcissism: SELF? WHAT SELF? [if PersonalityTrust === "100%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! [if PersonalityTrust === "80%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: NOTHING ELECTROSHOCK CANT FIX. JOKING! UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH ELECTROSHOCK. PLEASE CONTACT HR. [if PersonalityTrust === "67%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WE'VE FLUSHED STOOL THAT TRUSTS US MORE THAN YOU DO. [if PersonalityTrust === "50%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: LIKELY A DOUBLE-AGENT. INTERROGATE AFTER PERSONALITY TEST IS COMPLETE. HA HA, JUST KIDDING! ///NOT KIDDING, PREPARE THE SODIUM PENTATHOL. [if PersonalityTrust === "33%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: THERE'S NO TRUST NO FAITH, NO HONESTY IN MEN; ALL PERJURED, ALL FORSWORN, ALL NAUGHT, ALL DISSEMBLERS. (ROMEO AND JULIET, III.2). [if PersonalityTrust === "25%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: YOU'D BRING A POISON-TASTER TO A LUNCH MEETING. [if PersonalityTrust === "10%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: BET YOU 20 BUCKS YOU TRY TO INVOKE FREE SPEECH RIGHTS WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING HIRED, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE A PRIVATE COMPANY AND FREE SPEECH ONLY APPLIES TO THE GOVERNMENT. [if PersonalityTrust === "0%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WHY ARE YOU EVEN INTERVIEWING? NO, SERIOUSLY: IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL, WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS JOB? [if adjective6 === 1] High-Maintenance?: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if adjective6 === 2] High-Maintenance?: MAY DIE AT WORK AND YOU WON'T KNOW FOR WEEKS. [if adjective6 === 3] High-Maintenance?: THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ON A HOVERCRAFT. [if adjective6 === 4] High-Maintenance?: LIKE A GUITAR THAT WON'T STAY IN TUNE. [if adjective6 === 5] High-Maintenance?: IMAGINE THAT ALL YOUR EDIBLES CONGEALED AND BECAME A PERSON. THAT'S YOU. [if adjective6 === 6] High-Maintenance?: WILL REQUIRE REGULAR SEDATION. [if adjective6 === 7] High-Maintenance?: YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT-IAGO IAGO, OR YOU'RE GETTING IAGO'ED. [if adjective6 === 8] High-Maintenance?: BOWL-FULL-OF-ONLY-BROWN-M&Ms LEVELS OF ANNOYING. [if adjective6 === 9] High-Maintenance?: LEARNED EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT LIFE FROM REALITY TV. [if adjective6 === 10] High-Maintenance?: WILL FILE A LAWSUIT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "JUST SETTLE TO AVOID THE BAD PUBLICITY." [if adjective6 === 11] High-Maintenance?: HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THAT ONE HEARTBREAK. LOOKS OUT WINDOWS PINING FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. DREAMS OF LOVE'S VELLEITIES. WEEPS FOR NO REASON INTO RESTAURANT NAPKINS. WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT EVERY LUNCH BREAK FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU RETIRE. [if adjective6 === 12] High-Maintenance?: CAN BE BRIBED TO STFU, SO THERE'S THAT. [if noun6 === 1] Flosses?: WHAT IS THIS FLOSS YOU SPEAK OF? [if noun6 === 2] Flosses?: TOO OFTEN. LIKE, MAYBE KIND OF EVEN LIKES THE TASTE OF BLOOD. [if noun6 === 3] Flosses?: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO. [if noun6 === 4] Flosses?: A DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN AMOUNT OF FLOSSING AND TIME SINCE LAST DENTIST APPOINTMENT. IN OTHER WORDS, FEELS GUILTY, BUT THEN THE GUILT WEARS OFF. [if noun6 === 5] Flosses?: YES, BUT IN THE BOUGIEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE WITH A WATER-PICK INFUSED WITH ARTISANAL CHARCOAL OR SOME SHIT. [if noun6 === 6] Flosses?: ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING, EVEN THE DAY THE DIVORCE WAS FILED, EVEN WHEN DISOWNED BY THEIR PARENTS, FLOSS FLOSS FLOSS, GOTTA FLOSS, AT LEAST FLOSSING YOU CAN CONTROL. [if noun6 === 7] Flosses?: TRIED IT ONCE WHEN THEY WERE SEVEN. DIDN'T LIKE IT. [if noun6 === 8] Flosses?: NO, BUT DRINKS HIGH-ALCOHOL NIGHTCAPS EVERY NIGHT, SO THAT'S GOTTA HELP, RIGHT? [if noun6 === 9] Flosses?: TEETH ARE JUMPING OUT OF THAT MOUTH LIKE PARATROOPERS. [if noun6 === 10] Flosses?: IF PEOPLE ASK YOU NOT TO EXHALE DURING MEETINGS, DON'T GET OFFENDED, OKAY? [if noun6 === 11] Flosses?: WITH A PIANO WIRE. [if noun6 === 12] Flosses?: LOOK, NO JUDGMENT. YOU DO YOU. [if adjective7 === 1] Manners: CLIPS TOENAILS IN PUBLIC. [if adjective7 === 2] Manners: MICROWAVES FISH AT THE OFFICE. [if adjective7 === 3] Manners: BASICALLY A JAPANESE-EMPEROR. [if adjective7 === 4] Manners: IF AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD CAME TO LIFE. [if adjective7 === 5] Manners: I MEAN, USES UTENSILS OCCASIONALLY. SO, THAT'S SOMETHING. [if adjective7 === 6] Manners: A SOCIAL CHAMELEON—AS IN, A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO USE THEIR TONGUE. [if adjective7 === 7] Manners: WALKING TALKING CONVERSATION KRYPTONITE. [if adjective7 === 8] Manners: LOCKED DOWN, BUTTONED UP, NON-CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF ANY SOCIAL SITUATION. [if adjective7 === 9] Manners: HOW MUCH IS HR ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT BODY ODOR? [if adjective7 === 10] Manners: THEY'RE SO FRICKIN GOOD-LOOKING, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT THEIR MANNERS. /// don't print this. Store in hidden variable "isHotAF: true". Output should be "Good manners" or something else banal. [if adjective7 === 11] Manners: BULL IN A CHINA SHOP DURING AN EARTHQUAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER WWIII HAS STARTED. [if adjective7 === 12] Manners: NEEDS TRAINING. LIKE, ALL OF IT. [if noun7 === 1] Courage: STILL BELIEVES THE WHOLE ALPHA-MALE THING IS REAL SCIENCE LOL. [if noun7 === 2] Courage: BASICALLY A FEINTING GOAT IN BUSINESS CASUAL [if noun7 === 3] Courage: LIKE OEDIPUS REBORN (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THINGS GO FOR OEDIPUS) [if noun7 === 4] Courage: MIGHT FIGHT A HORDE OF ZOMBIES, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GETTING ENOUGH VIEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. [if noun7 === 5] Courage: A TULIP BENEATH THE FOOTFALL OF AN ELEPHANT. [if noun7 === 6] Courage: IF YOU LOSE A HAND, YOU'LL AFFIX A FRICKIN CHAINSAW TO THE STUMP. [if noun7 === 7] Courage: WOULD FIGHT FOREVER ON THE FRONT LINES OF HELL AS LONG AS THE SNACKS WERE GOOD. [if noun7 === 8] Courage: A TRULY HONORABLE PROBLEM. OOPS! I MEAN, A TRULY HONORABLE PERSON. [if noun7 === 9] Courage: THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A CHEW TOY. [if noun7 === 10] Courage: NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN TO BE SCARED. [if noun7 === 11] Courage: THINKS "RETREAT" MEANS YOU GET A SECOND SNACK. [if noun7 === 12] Courage: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME! [if adjective8 === 1] Bloodlust: WOULD EAT OWN MOTHER FOR BREAKFAST. [if adjective8 === 2] Bloodlust: A WOLF CUB—NOT MUCH DANGER NOW, BUT CUBS GROW UP... [if adjective8 === 3] Bloodlust: ZERO—A SCAVENGER, BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY. [if adjective8 === 4] Bloodlust: DRINKS PLASMA LIKE TOMATO JUICE. [if adjective8 === 5] Bloodlust: DO **NOT** LEAVE ALONE WITH PETS. [if adjective8 === 6] Bloodlust: CHECK BELOW EYES FOR REMOVED JAILHOUSE TATTOOS OF TEARS. [if adjective8 === 7] Bloodlust: WE'RE KEEPING OUR BELOVED PETS AWAY FROM YOU. [if adjective8 === 8] Bloodlust: IS AFRAID OF THE MEAT AISLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. [if adjective8 === 9] Bloodlust: MAY ACTUALLY HAVE RABIES. [if adjective8 === 10] Bloodlust: “WE ARE NO GUILTIER IN FOLLOWING THE PRIMITIVE IMPULSES THAT GOVERN US THAN IS THE NILE FOR HER FLOODS OR THE SEA FOR HER WAVES." — THE MARQUIS DE SADE [if adjective8 === 11] Bloodlust: EVER TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH A CORNERED HONEY BADGER? [if adjective8 === 12] Bloodlust: LIKE A MOSQUITO WITH A 10-INCH PROBOSCIS. [if noun8 === 1] Finickiness: WOULD LICK THE POLE AT A STRIP CLUB. [if noun8 === 2] Finickiness: COMPLAINS WHEN FOODS ON A PLATE TOUCH. RECOMMEND ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT [if noun8 === 3] Finickiness: WON'T EVEN TRY ASPARAGUS. [if noun8 === 4] Finickiness: YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE A SUPER-TASTER, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS. [if noun8 === 5] Finickiness: FRIENDS HAVE DIED OF BOREDOM WHILE YOU WERE SCRUTINIZING THE MENU. [if noun8 === 6] Finickiness: HAS LITERALLY DRUNK FROM A TOILET. WE HAVE VIDEO. [if noun8 === 7] Finickiness: FIVE-SECOND RULE? MORE LIKE FIVE-YEAR RULE. [if noun8 === 8] Finickiness: BOTULISM SCHAMTULISM. [if noun8 === 9] Finickiness: ESOTERIC LIKES AND DISLIKES. NOT A BAD THING IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT, I DUNNO—IT JUST STINKS OF PRETENSION AND SMUGNESS. CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON EXACTLY WHY. NEED MORE DATA. [if noun8 === 10] Finickiness: FIREHOUSE GAG-REFLEX. DURING TASTE-TESTING, MAKE SURE ALL OTHER PARTICIPANTS HAVE GARBAGE BAGS TO WEAR OVER THEIR CLOTHES. [if noun8 === 11] Finickiness: CAN EAT ANYTHING! ALSO, VOMITS EVERYTHING! [if noun8 === 12] Finickiness: YOU WILL DIE, ABSOLUTELY DIE, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CUT THE CRUST OFF YOUR SANDWICH. [if adjective9 === 1] Moral Clarity: EXTREMELY CLEAR. EXTREMELY WRONG. [if adjective9 === 2] Moral Clarity: THINKS *AMERICAN PSYCHO* IS A HOW-TO BOOK. [if adjective9 === 3] Moral Clarity: THINKS VLAD THE IMPALER WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. [if adjective9 === 4] Moral Clarity: THINKS FASCISM IS WHAT MODELS WEAR ON RUNWAYS. [if adjective9 === 5] Moral Clarity: WHEN YOU WERE ASKED IF YOU'D EAT PEOPLE IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU REPLIED "WHY WAIT?" [if adjective9 === 6] Moral Clarity: HELLO, HAGUE? WE'VE GOT A RINGER FOR YOU. [if adjective9 === 7] Moral Clarity: THINKING'S HARD, INNIT? [if adjective9 === 8] Moral Clarity: WHY BOTHER WITH MORALITY WHEN NARCISSISM HAS SERVED YOU SO WELL? [if adjective9 === 9] Moral Clarity: IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE DARK. YOU'RE A MORAL BLINDFOLD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. [if adjective9 === 10] Moral Clarity: JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if adjective9 === 11] Moral Clarity: NO MORALS, JUST CRYPTO. [if adjective9 === 12] Moral Clarity: WHEN THEY WERE DISHING OUT ORIGINAL SIN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO BACK FOR SECOND HELPINGS. [if noun9 === 1] Moral Turpitude: JUST THE TURPI-TUDIEST! AREN'T YOU JUST? [if noun9 === 2] Moral Turpitude: THERE WAS A TIME YOU ENJOYED BEING EVIL, BUT NOW THAT THE ANHEDONIA'S KICKED IN, YOU JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALL YOU KNOW. SAD, IN ITS WAY. [if noun9 === 3] Moral Turpitude: [C] CALIGULA WAS STEEPED IN SIN [Em] AND NERO PLAYED HIS VIOLIN [D7] AND HITLER? WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN? [F] BUT NONE OF THEM [Bm7b5] SEEM QUITE SO BAD WHEN [F] THEY'RE COM- [Fmin] PARED TO [C] YOU. [if noun9 === 4] Moral Turpitude: "'SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN,' THE MISFIT SAID, 'IF IT HAD BEEN SOMEBODY THERE TO SHOOT HER EVERY MINUTE OF HER LIFE.'" JUST QUOTING LITERATURE. NO REASON. [if noun9 === 5] Moral Turpitude: IF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 6] Moral Turpitude: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR BRAND OF EVIL. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: WEAK. WEAK WEAK WEAK. [if noun9 === 7] Moral Turpitude: THERE IS KINDNESS IN YOU. IN YOUR STOMACH, SPECIFICALLY. BECAUSE YOU DEVOURED IT. [if noun9 === 8] Moral Turpitude: THE PHRASE "SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN" MEANS BE PATIENT WITH THEM, NOT TORTURE THEM! [if noun9 === 9] Moral Turpitude: IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE THAT "CONSENT MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY" BUMPER STICKER FROM YOUR CAR. [if noun9 === 10] Moral Turpitude: IF NIPPLE CLAMPS WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 11] Moral Turpitude: NO, SERIOUSLY: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if noun9 === 12] Moral Turpitude: SEXUAL DEPRAVITY WE CAN WORK WITH, BUT M'DUDE, WHAT YOU DO WITH MENTOS AND COKE IS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. [continue] [align center] # Final Employability Score: # FRIENDSHIP: 1, BURGER MEME™: 0 [[Credits]]

config.style.page.font: "Arial Black/Constantia/Georgia/serif 24" config.style.page.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.font: "underline" config.style.page.link.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.lineColor: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.active.color: "red-8 on red-0" config.style.page.verticalAlign: "top" config.style.page.header.font: "16" config.style.page.header.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.footer.font: "16" config.style.page.footer.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.link.active.lineColor: "red-8" config.style.backdrop: "#FFE064" config.footer.center: "Sins: {sins}" config.footer.left: "" config.footer.right: "[[reapply->Restart Game]]" sound.effect.intro.url: 'BLAssets/BurgerMemeTheme1.mp3' sound.effect.intro.description: 'Burger Meme Theme Song' -- {sound effect: 'intro'} [align center] You are a [align left] “Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,\ Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;\ So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another,\ Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence” [align center] burger! {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_shipsPassing.gif'} Sometimes a friendship with a person impersonating an AI to keep their job is just not meant to me, amirite? --- [align left] Thanks for playing! Have you discovered the **CORPORATE SELLOUT BURGER,** **DODGED THAT BULLET BURGER,** **FRIENDSHIP BURGER,** and **LOVE CONNECTION BURGER** endings yet? If not, play again! [align center] # Your Personality [align left] [if adjective1 === 1] Social Skills: QUIVERS LIKE GELATIN IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER HUMANS. [if adjective1 === 2] Social Skills: PISSY, BUT PLIABLE. [if adjective1 === 3] Social Skills: NONEXISTENT. [if adjective1 === 4] Social Skills: LIKE FERDINAND THE BULL, IF FERDINAND WERE GELDED. [if adjective1 === 5] Social Skills: KEEP THE BOOZE AWAY AT OFFICE PARTIES. [if adjective1 === 6] Social Skills: POTENTIALLY VIOLENT. PROMOTE QUICKLY. [if adjective1 === 7] Social Skills: ALL SHELL, NO TURTLE. [if adjective1 === 8] Social Skills: IF YOU DIED IN YOUR CUBICLE, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. [if adjective1 === 9] Social Skills: BRACE FOR IMPACT, HR. [if adjective1 === 10] Social Skills: CRANKED TO 11—OUT OF 100. [if adjective1 === 11] Social Skills: DEATH OF THE PARTY. [if adjective1 === 12] Social Skills: NOPE. [if noun1 === 1] Sycophancy: MORE LIKE "PSYCHO-PHANCY," AMIRITE? [if noun1 === 2] Sycophancy: NOSE SO BROWN WE'll CALL YOU CHARLIE. [if noun1 === 3] Sycophancy: WHERE THE SUCK MEETS THE UP. [if noun1 === 4] Sycophancy: CALL VAN HELSING, WE FOUND THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if noun1 === 5] Sycophancy: LIKE AN INFLUENCER SUCKING UP TO CHAT FOR TIPS. [if noun1 === 6] Sycophancy: WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, YOU SAID TO YOUR MOM, "ABOUT TIME." [if noun1 === 7] Sycophancy: YEAH, LET'S PRE-ALERT HR NOW. [if noun1 === 8] Sycophancy: YOU GIVE YOURSELF HICKEYS, DON'T YOU? [if noun1 === 9] Sycophancy: POORLY-DISGUISED SOCIOPATH; PROMOTE IMMEDIATELY. [if noun1 === 10] Sycophancy: TONGUE'S LICKED MORE BOOTS THAN A SHOESHINER'S RAG. [if noun1 === 11] Sycophancy: BASICALLY A USED CAR SALESMAN. [if noun1 === 12] Sycophancy: CLINGY AF. [if adjective2 === 1] Emotional Intelligence: IF COMIC SANS WERE A PERSON. [if adjective2 === 2] Emotional Intelligence: PBS CARTOON. [if adjective2 === 3] Emotional Intelligence: CLUSTER B NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. [if adjective2 === 4] Emotional Intelligence: HAMURABIAN. [if adjective2 === 5] Emotional Intelligence: A LIVING, BREATHING VERSION OF WILLIAM COLTON HUGHES, THE TITLE CHARACTER FROM STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES'S TERRIFYING NOVEL *THE LEAST OF MY SCARS.* DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS? READ A BOOK. [if adjective2 === 6] Emotional Intelligence: 2,147. [if adjective2 === 7] Emotional Intelligence: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. [if adjective2 === 8] Emotional Intelligence: IMAGINE A LION WHO FORCES YOU TO READ *THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON* WHILE IT EATS YOU. [if adjective2 === 9] Emotional Intelligence: LET'S SAY "COLORFUL" FOR LEGAL REASONS. [if adjective2 === 10] Emotional Intelligence: ALWAYS SINGS "DESPERADO" AT KARAOKE NIGHT. [if adjective2 === 11] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE BACON THAT PAN-FRIES ITSELF. [if adjective2 === 12] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN WITH A UKULELE—FRIGHTENING, AND PURE EVIL, BUT ALSO ANNOYING. [if noun2 === 1] Gustatory Sophistication: A TONGUE MADE OF SANDPAPER. [if noun2 === 2] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS TWINKIES ARE UNDERAPPRECIATED. [if noun2 === 3] Gustatory Sophistication: LICK AND SPITTLE, SIGNIFYING NOTHING. [if noun2 === 4] Gustatory Sophistication: BLAMES THEIR LACK OF TASTE ON COVID. [if noun2 === 5] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS MILK IS SPICY. [if noun2 === 6] Gustatory Sophistication: SOMMELIER-LEVEL... IF THE SOMMELIER WAS DEAD. [if noun2 === 7] Gustatory Sophistication: USELESSLY IDEOSYNCRATIC. [if noun2 === 8] Gustatory Sophistication: CEREAL FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT. [if noun2 === 9] Gustatory Sophistication: COULD OVERCOOK WATER. [if noun2 === 10] Gustatory Sophistication: WHEN YOU'RE A HAMMER, EVERY AMUSE BOUCHE TASTES LIKE A NAIL. [if noun2 === 11] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS BEING A PICKY EATER = DISCERNMENT. [if noun2 === 12] Gustatory Sophistication: MEH. [if adjective3 === 1] Exploitability: WHAT BARNUM SAID. [if adjective3 === 2] Exploitability: FAVORITE PEN PAL IS A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [if adjective3 === 3] Exploitability: USES SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AS PASSWORD. [if adjective3 === 4] Exploitability: REMEMBER BIB FORTUNA, JABBA THE HUT'S AIDE WHO WAS EASILY JEDI MIND-TRICKED BY LUKE? OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU SEE THEM IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING. [if adjective3 === 5] Exploitability: MILITARY GRADE. [if adjective3 === 6] Exploitability: YOU "DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH," DON'T YOU? [if adjective3 === 7] Exploitability: PLEASE TAKE AN ADULT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO CAR-SHOPPING. [if adjective3 === 8] Exploitability: LOST IT ALL IN MEME COIN. [if adjective3 === 9] Exploitability: WOULD BE, BUT LUCKILY, HAS NOTHING WORTH EXPLOITING. [if adjective3 === 10] Exploitability: EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO "PASTY"? [if adjective3 === 11] Exploitability: WOULD LOVE TO INVEST IN A MONORAIL. [if adjective3 === 12] Exploitability: LIKE A BUSTED ATM. [if noun3 === 1] Strength of Character: BASICALLY A SENTIENT ADULT DIAPER: ABSORBENT, BUT A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOU SHOULD BE. [if noun3 === 2] Strength of Character: YOUR SOUL IS LIKE A MESSAGE IN LEMON JUICE. [if noun3 === 3] Strength of Character: A LITTLE TOO REAL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD STARE AT YOU TOO LONG. [if noun3 === 4] Strength of Character: LIKE WRITING YOUR MORAL CODE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH [if noun3 === 5] Strength of Character: HEDONIST. TO FEEL *SOMETHING*, AT LEAST. [if noun3 === 6] Strength of Character: LIKE A WET A MATCH. [if noun3 === 7] Strength of Character: IF YOU PAINT A FACE ON A WRECKING BALL, IT'S STILL A WRECKING BALL. [if noun3 === 8] Strength of Character: A FISH IN THE CLAW OF AN EAGLE, LOOKING SADLY DOWN AT THE GRANDEUR OF CREATION IN ITS LAST MOMENTS. [if noun3 === 9] Strength of Character: THIS PERSON'S DEAD, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT, WITH A HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY HO! [if noun3 === 10] Strength of Character: ALL WATER, NO BROTH. [if noun3 === 11] Strength of Character: PICTURE A BROKEN REFRIGERATOR WITH ITS DOOR REMOVED LYING ON ITS SIDE AT THE DUMP [if noun3 === 12] Strength of Character: IF PLAY DOH COULD TALK. [if adjective4 === 1] Compassion: SURGEON WITH ZERO BEDSIDE MANNER. [if adjective4 === 2] Compassion: ROMAN EMPEROR. [if adjective4 === 3] Compassion: IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, "BLEEDING HEARTS BLEED EVERYWHERE, AND IT'S HARD TO GET BLOOD OUT OF CARPET." [if adjective4 === 4] Compassion: "COMEDY IS WHEN YOU FALL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIE." —MEL BROOKS, AND ALSO YOU. [if adjective4 === 5] Compassion: BOWLING BALLS FEEL MORE. [if adjective4 === 6] Compassion: FEELS BAD FOR THE ORANGE WHEN PEELING AN ORANGE. [if adjective4 === 7] Compassion: BETTA FISH. [if adjective4 === 8] Compassion: WOULD PLUCK A BABY'S FIRST NOSE HAIR TO SEE IT CRY. [if adjective4 === 9] Compassion: GODZILLA'S FOOT, MEET TOYKO. [if adjective4 === 10] Compassion: THINKS ELECTROSHOCK IS A CURE-ALL. [if adjective4 === 11] Compassion: LOVES DOGS. SO THAT'S SOMETHING... [if adjective4 === 12] Compassion: ALL THE EMPATHY OF A TIKTOK PRANKSTER. [if noun4 === 1] Suitability as a Test Subject: ENROLL IMMEDIATELY. [if noun4 === 2] Suitability as a Test Subject: YOU THINK YOU'RE IMMUNE TO HYPNOSIS LOL. [if noun4 === 3] Suitability as a Test Subject: VERY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE. SO, PERFECT. [if noun4 === 4] Suitability as a Test Subject: LEVEL 20 NARC. [if noun4 === 5] Suitability as a Test Subject: WOULD POP LIKE A BALLOON. [if noun4 === 6] Suitability as a Test Subject: PSYCHOLOGICALLY FINE, BUT THE SMELL... [if noun4 === 7] Suitability as a Test Subject: THERE ARE OUTLIERS, AND THEN THERE'S THIS PIECE OF WORK. [if noun4 === 8] Suitability as a Test Subject: WILL EAT ANYTHING WITH FROSTING ON IT. [if noun4 === 9] Suitability as a Test Subject: TO GET A DOG TO TAKE MEDICINE, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WRAP IT IN CHEESE, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. [if noun4 === 10] Suitability as a Test Subject: NO. JUST NO. [if noun4 === 11] Suitability as a Test Subject: TOO MANY DRUGS IN THEIR SYSTEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME. [if noun4 === 12] Suitability as a Test Subject: A WALKING, TALKING PLACEBO EFFECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "100%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE EVERY ASTRONAUT THAT'S EVER LIVED GROUND TOGETHER AND MADE INTO THE MOST AWESOME ADVENTURE-BURGER EVER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "80%"] Sense of Adventure: DAVY FRICKING CROCKETT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "67%"] Sense of Adventure: HAS TRIED FUGU. RESPECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "50%"] Sense of Adventure: OATMEAL WITH RAISINS FOR EYES AND A SYRUP FROWNY-FACE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "33%"] Sense of Adventure: SOMETIMES, YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ON THE WEEKEND! [if PersonalityTestImages === "25%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE A CAT SURPRISED BY A CUCUMBER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "10%"] Sense of Adventure: YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PULSE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "0%"] Sense of Adventure: GRASS GETS BORED WATCHING YOU GROW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "100%"] Narcissism: DESPOT IN THE MAKING. [if PersonalityPneuma === "80%"] Narcissism: POP-STAR WHO'S AGED OUT AND IS DESPERATELY GRASPING FOR RELEVANCY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "67%"] Narcissism: TELE-EVANGELIST, BEFORE THE INEVITABLE SEX-SCANDAL. [if PersonalityPneuma === "50%"] Narcissism: A STARFISH IN WARM WATERS, OBLIVIOUS TO MOST OF LIFE, NO PROBLEMS, NO WORRIES, JUST LETTING THE WORLD COME TO IT. I WISH I WERE A STARFISH. [if PersonalityPneuma === "33%"] Narcissism: WHEN YOUR MAKING A PB & J AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPREAD THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BREAD BEFORE YOU NOTICE YOU'RE OUT OF JELLY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "25%"] Narcissism: LIKE HANDWASH-ONLY NEGLIGEE AFTER AN HOUR IN THE DRYER. [if PersonalityPneuma === "10%"] Narcissism: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION? WELP, TOO LATE NOW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "0%"] Narcissism: SELF? WHAT SELF? [if PersonalityTrust === "100%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! [if PersonalityTrust === "80%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: NOTHING ELECTROSHOCK CANT FIX. JOKING! UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH ELECTROSHOCK. PLEASE CONTACT HR. [if PersonalityTrust === "67%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WE'VE FLUSHED STOOL THAT TRUSTS US MORE THAN YOU DO. [if PersonalityTrust === "50%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: LIKELY A DOUBLE-AGENT. INTERROGATE AFTER PERSONALITY TEST IS COMPLETE. HA HA, JUST KIDDING! ///NOT KIDDING, PREPARE THE SODIUM PENTATHOL. [if PersonalityTrust === "33%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: THERE'S NO TRUST NO FAITH, NO HONESTY IN MEN; ALL PERJURED, ALL FORSWORN, ALL NAUGHT, ALL DISSEMBLERS. (ROMEO AND JULIET, III.2). [if PersonalityTrust === "25%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: YOU'D BRING A POISON-TASTER TO A LUNCH MEETING. [if PersonalityTrust === "10%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: BET YOU 20 BUCKS YOU TRY TO INVOKE FREE SPEECH RIGHTS WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING HIRED, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE A PRIVATE COMPANY AND FREE SPEECH ONLY APPLIES TO THE GOVERNMENT. [if PersonalityTrust === "0%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WHY ARE YOU EVEN INTERVIEWING? NO, SERIOUSLY: IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL, WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS JOB? [if adjective6 === 1] High-Maintenance?: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if adjective6 === 2] High-Maintenance?: MAY DIE AT WORK AND YOU WON'T KNOW FOR WEEKS. [if adjective6 === 3] High-Maintenance?: THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ON A HOVERCRAFT. [if adjective6 === 4] High-Maintenance?: LIKE A GUITAR THAT WON'T STAY IN TUNE. [if adjective6 === 5] High-Maintenance?: IMAGINE THAT ALL YOUR EDIBLES CONGEALED AND BECAME A PERSON. THAT'S YOU. [if adjective6 === 6] High-Maintenance?: WILL REQUIRE REGULAR SEDATION. [if adjective6 === 7] High-Maintenance?: YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT-IAGO IAGO, OR YOU'RE GETTING IAGO'ED. [if adjective6 === 8] High-Maintenance?: BOWL-FULL-OF-ONLY-BROWN-M&Ms LEVELS OF ANNOYING. [if adjective6 === 9] High-Maintenance?: LEARNED EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT LIFE FROM REALITY TV. [if adjective6 === 10] High-Maintenance?: WILL FILE A LAWSUIT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "JUST SETTLE TO AVOID THE BAD PUBLICITY." [if adjective6 === 11] High-Maintenance?: HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THAT ONE HEARTBREAK. LOOKS OUT WINDOWS PINING FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. DREAMS OF LOVE'S VELLEITIES. WEEPS FOR NO REASON INTO RESTAURANT NAPKINS. WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT EVERY LUNCH BREAK FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU RETIRE. [if adjective6 === 12] High-Maintenance?: CAN BE BRIBED TO STFU, SO THERE'S THAT. [if noun6 === 1] Flosses?: WHAT IS THIS FLOSS YOU SPEAK OF? [if noun6 === 2] Flosses?: TOO OFTEN. LIKE, MAYBE KIND OF EVEN LIKES THE TASTE OF BLOOD. [if noun6 === 3] Flosses?: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO. [if noun6 === 4] Flosses?: A DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN AMOUNT OF FLOSSING AND TIME SINCE LAST DENTIST APPOINTMENT. IN OTHER WORDS, FEELS GUILTY, BUT THEN THE GUILT WEARS OFF. [if noun6 === 5] Flosses?: YES, BUT IN THE BOUGIEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE WITH A WATER-PICK INFUSED WITH ARTISANAL CHARCOAL OR SOME SHIT. [if noun6 === 6] Flosses?: ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING, EVEN THE DAY THE DIVORCE WAS FILED, EVEN WHEN DISOWNED BY THEIR PARENTS, FLOSS FLOSS FLOSS, GOTTA FLOSS, AT LEAST FLOSSING YOU CAN CONTROL. [if noun6 === 7] Flosses?: TRIED IT ONCE WHEN THEY WERE SEVEN. DIDN'T LIKE IT. [if noun6 === 8] Flosses?: NO, BUT DRINKS HIGH-ALCOHOL NIGHTCAPS EVERY NIGHT, SO THAT'S GOTTA HELP, RIGHT? [if noun6 === 9] Flosses?: TEETH ARE JUMPING OUT OF THAT MOUTH LIKE PARATROOPERS. [if noun6 === 10] Flosses?: IF PEOPLE ASK YOU NOT TO EXHALE DURING MEETINGS, DON'T GET OFFENDED, OKAY? [if noun6 === 11] Flosses?: WITH A PIANO WIRE. [if noun6 === 12] Flosses?: LOOK, NO JUDGMENT. YOU DO YOU. [if adjective7 === 1] Manners: CLIPS TOENAILS IN PUBLIC. [if adjective7 === 2] Manners: MICROWAVES FISH AT THE OFFICE. [if adjective7 === 3] Manners: BASICALLY A JAPANESE-EMPEROR. [if adjective7 === 4] Manners: IF AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD CAME TO LIFE. [if adjective7 === 5] Manners: I MEAN, USES UTENSILS OCCASIONALLY. SO, THAT'S SOMETHING. [if adjective7 === 6] Manners: A SOCIAL CHAMELEON—AS IN, A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO USE THEIR TONGUE. [if adjective7 === 7] Manners: WALKING TALKING CONVERSATION KRYPTONITE. [if adjective7 === 8] Manners: LOCKED DOWN, BUTTONED UP, NON-CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF ANY SOCIAL SITUATION. [if adjective7 === 9] Manners: HOW MUCH IS HR ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT BODY ODOR? [if adjective7 === 10] Manners: THEY'RE SO FRICKIN GOOD-LOOKING, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT THEIR MANNERS. /// don't print this. Store in hidden variable "isHotAF: true". Output should be "Good manners" or something else banal. [if adjective7 === 11] Manners: BULL IN A CHINA SHOP DURING AN EARTHQUAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER WWIII HAS STARTED. [if adjective7 === 12] Manners: NEEDS TRAINING. LIKE, ALL OF IT. [if noun7 === 1] Courage: STILL BELIEVES THE WHOLE ALPHA-MALE THING IS REAL SCIENCE LOL. [if noun7 === 2] Courage: BASICALLY A FEINTING GOAT IN BUSINESS CASUAL [if noun7 === 3] Courage: LIKE OEDIPUS REBORN (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THINGS GO FOR OEDIPUS) [if noun7 === 4] Courage: MIGHT FIGHT A HORDE OF ZOMBIES, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GETTING ENOUGH VIEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. [if noun7 === 5] Courage: A TULIP BENEATH THE FOOTFALL OF AN ELEPHANT. [if noun7 === 6] Courage: IF YOU LOSE A HAND, YOU'LL AFFIX A FRICKIN CHAINSAW TO THE STUMP. [if noun7 === 7] Courage: WOULD FIGHT FOREVER ON THE FRONT LINES OF HELL AS LONG AS THE SNACKS WERE GOOD. [if noun7 === 8] Courage: A TRULY HONORABLE PROBLEM. OOPS! I MEAN, A TRULY HONORABLE PERSON. [if noun7 === 9] Courage: THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A CHEW TOY. [if noun7 === 10] Courage: NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN TO BE SCARED. [if noun7 === 11] Courage: THINKS "RETREAT" MEANS YOU GET A SECOND SNACK. [if noun7 === 12] Courage: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME! [if adjective8 === 1] Bloodlust: WOULD EAT OWN MOTHER FOR BREAKFAST. [if adjective8 === 2] Bloodlust: A WOLF CUB—NOT MUCH DANGER NOW, BUT CUBS GROW UP... [if adjective8 === 3] Bloodlust: ZERO—A SCAVENGER, BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY. [if adjective8 === 4] Bloodlust: DRINKS PLASMA LIKE TOMATO JUICE. [if adjective8 === 5] Bloodlust: DO **NOT** LEAVE ALONE WITH PETS. [if adjective8 === 6] Bloodlust: CHECK BELOW EYES FOR REMOVED JAILHOUSE TATTOOS OF TEARS. [if adjective8 === 7] Bloodlust: WE'RE KEEPING OUR BELOVED PETS AWAY FROM YOU. [if adjective8 === 8] Bloodlust: IS AFRAID OF THE MEAT AISLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. [if adjective8 === 9] Bloodlust: MAY ACTUALLY HAVE RABIES. [if adjective8 === 10] Bloodlust: “WE ARE NO GUILTIER IN FOLLOWING THE PRIMITIVE IMPULSES THAT GOVERN US THAN IS THE NILE FOR HER FLOODS OR THE SEA FOR HER WAVES." — THE MARQUIS DE SADE [if adjective8 === 11] Bloodlust: EVER TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH A CORNERED HONEY BADGER? [if adjective8 === 12] Bloodlust: LIKE A MOSQUITO WITH A 10-INCH PROBOSCIS. [if noun8 === 1] Finickiness: WOULD LICK THE POLE AT A STRIP CLUB. [if noun8 === 2] Finickiness: COMPLAINS WHEN FOODS ON A PLATE TOUCH. RECOMMEND ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT [if noun8 === 3] Finickiness: WON'T EVEN TRY ASPARAGUS. [if noun8 === 4] Finickiness: YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE A SUPER-TASTER, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS. [if noun8 === 5] Finickiness: FRIENDS HAVE DIED OF BOREDOM WHILE YOU WERE SCRUTINIZING THE MENU. [if noun8 === 6] Finickiness: HAS LITERALLY DRUNK FROM A TOILET. WE HAVE VIDEO. [if noun8 === 7] Finickiness: FIVE-SECOND RULE? MORE LIKE FIVE-YEAR RULE. [if noun8 === 8] Finickiness: BOTULISM SCHAMTULISM. [if noun8 === 9] Finickiness: ESOTERIC LIKES AND DISLIKES. NOT A BAD THING IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT, I DUNNO—IT JUST STINKS OF PRETENSION AND SMUGNESS. CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON EXACTLY WHY. NEED MORE DATA. [if noun8 === 10] Finickiness: FIREHOUSE GAG-REFLEX. DURING TASTE-TESTING, MAKE SURE ALL OTHER PARTICIPANTS HAVE GARBAGE BAGS TO WEAR OVER THEIR CLOTHES. [if noun8 === 11] Finickiness: CAN EAT ANYTHING! ALSO, VOMITS EVERYTHING! [if noun8 === 12] Finickiness: YOU WILL DIE, ABSOLUTELY DIE, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CUT THE CRUST OFF YOUR SANDWICH. [if adjective9 === 1] Moral Clarity: EXTREMELY CLEAR. EXTREMELY WRONG. [if adjective9 === 2] Moral Clarity: THINKS *AMERICAN PSYCHO* IS A HOW-TO BOOK. [if adjective9 === 3] Moral Clarity: THINKS VLAD THE IMPALER WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. [if adjective9 === 4] Moral Clarity: THINKS FASCISM IS WHAT MODELS WEAR ON RUNWAYS. [if adjective9 === 5] Moral Clarity: WHEN YOU WERE ASKED IF YOU'D EAT PEOPLE IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU REPLIED "WHY WAIT?" [if adjective9 === 6] Moral Clarity: HELLO, HAGUE? WE'VE GOT A RINGER FOR YOU. [if adjective9 === 7] Moral Clarity: THINKING'S HARD, INNIT? [if adjective9 === 8] Moral Clarity: WHY BOTHER WITH MORALITY WHEN NARCISSISM HAS SERVED YOU SO WELL? [if adjective9 === 9] Moral Clarity: IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE DARK. YOU'RE A MORAL BLINDFOLD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. [if adjective9 === 10] Moral Clarity: JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if adjective9 === 11] Moral Clarity: NO MORALS, JUST CRYPTO. [if adjective9 === 12] Moral Clarity: WHEN THEY WERE DISHING OUT ORIGINAL SIN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO BACK FOR SECOND HELPINGS. [if noun9 === 1] Moral Turpitude: JUST THE TURPI-TUDIEST! AREN'T YOU JUST? [if noun9 === 2] Moral Turpitude: THERE WAS A TIME YOU ENJOYED BEING EVIL, BUT NOW THAT THE ANHEDONIA'S KICKED IN, YOU JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALL YOU KNOW. SAD, IN ITS WAY. [if noun9 === 3] Moral Turpitude: [C] CALIGULA WAS STEEPED IN SIN [Em] AND NERO PLAYED HIS VIOLIN [D7] AND HITLER? WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN? [F] BUT NONE OF THEM [Bm7b5] SEEM QUITE SO BAD WHEN [F] THEY'RE COM- [Fmin] PARED TO [C] YOU. [if noun9 === 4] Moral Turpitude: "'SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN,' THE MISFIT SAID, 'IF IT HAD BEEN SOMEBODY THERE TO SHOOT HER EVERY MINUTE OF HER LIFE.'" JUST QUOTING LITERATURE. NO REASON. [if noun9 === 5] Moral Turpitude: IF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 6] Moral Turpitude: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR BRAND OF EVIL. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: WEAK. WEAK WEAK WEAK. [if noun9 === 7] Moral Turpitude: THERE IS KINDNESS IN YOU. IN YOUR STOMACH, SPECIFICALLY. BECAUSE YOU DEVOURED IT. [if noun9 === 8] Moral Turpitude: THE PHRASE "SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN" MEANS BE PATIENT WITH THEM, NOT TORTURE THEM! [if noun9 === 9] Moral Turpitude: IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE THAT "CONSENT MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY" BUMPER STICKER FROM YOUR CAR. [if noun9 === 10] Moral Turpitude: IF NIPPLE CLAMPS WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 11] Moral Turpitude: NO, SERIOUSLY: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if noun9 === 12] Moral Turpitude: SEXUAL DEPRAVITY WE CAN WORK WITH, BUT M'DUDE, WHAT YOU DO WITH MENTOS AND COKE IS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. [continue] [align center] # Final Employability Score: # YOU MAKE GOOD CHOICES, AND BURGER MEME™ IS THE WORST! [[Credits]]

You talk. Your conversation is {dropdown menu for: 'love', choices: ['amazing', 'awkward', 'fine']}. Jwala spends several minutes apologizing for pretending to be an AI to you. But you can tell that maybe there's a little pride there, too: a great deal of barely-suppressed pleasure at having gotten away with something. But there's a palpable tension hovering in the air between you two. Jwala's clearly interested in you. "So," Jwala says, after taking a sip of coffee for courage, "What do you think? Are you maybe a little interested, too?" [[What do you say?->LoveOrNo]]

[if love === "amazing"] "Any enemy of Burger Meme is a friend of mine," you say, raising your glass to {gender}. "And maybe even more than a friend." Jwala leans forward. "How much more?" You lean forward too and reply, "Why don't we [[get out of here and find out?"->LoveEnding]] [if love === "awkward"] "Any enemy of Burger Meme is a friend of mine," you say, raising your glass to {gender}. "But I think this is the end of our story." Jwala blinks, nods thoughtfully, and says, "Sure. I hope you live [[happily ever after"->ShipsPassing]] [if love === "fine"] "Any enemy of Burger Meme is a friend of mine," you say, raising your glass to {gender}. "But probably just a friend." Jwala blinks, nods thoughtfully, and says, "I think [[I'd like that."->FriendEnding]]

config.style.page.font: "Arial Black/Constantia/Georgia/serif 24" config.style.page.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.font: "underline" config.style.page.link.color: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.lineColor: "#8E3B1F" config.style.page.link.active.color: "red-8 on red-0" config.style.page.verticalAlign: "top" config.style.page.header.font: "16" config.style.page.header.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.footer.font: "16" config.style.page.footer.link.font: "small caps" config.style.page.link.active.lineColor: "red-8" config.style.backdrop: "#FFE064" config.footer.center: "Sins: {sins}" config.footer.left: "" config.footer.right: "[[reapply->Restart Game]]" sound.effect.intro.url: 'BLAssets/BurgerMemeTheme1.mp3' sound.effect.intro.description: 'Burger Meme Theme Song' -- {sound effect: 'intro'} [align center] You've cooked up a {embed image: 'BLAssets/BLNEW_loveBurger.gif'} burger! [align left] Now, you can really have it your way! --- [align left] Thanks for playing! Have you discovered the **CORPORATE SELLOUT BURGER,** **DODGED THAT BULLET BURGER,** **SHIPS PASSING BURGER,** and **FRIENDSHIP BURGER** endings yet? If not, play again! [align center] # Your Personality [align left] [if adjective1 === 1] Social Skills: QUIVERS LIKE GELATIN IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER HUMANS. [if adjective1 === 2] Social Skills: PISSY, BUT PLIABLE. [if adjective1 === 3] Social Skills: NONEXISTENT. [if adjective1 === 4] Social Skills: LIKE FERDINAND THE BULL, IF FERDINAND WERE GELDED. [if adjective1 === 5] Social Skills: KEEP THE BOOZE AWAY AT OFFICE PARTIES. [if adjective1 === 6] Social Skills: POTENTIALLY VIOLENT. PROMOTE QUICKLY. [if adjective1 === 7] Social Skills: ALL SHELL, NO TURTLE. [if adjective1 === 8] Social Skills: IF YOU DIED IN YOUR CUBICLE, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. [if adjective1 === 9] Social Skills: BRACE FOR IMPACT, HR. [if adjective1 === 10] Social Skills: CRANKED TO 11—OUT OF 100. [if adjective1 === 11] Social Skills: DEATH OF THE PARTY. [if adjective1 === 12] Social Skills: NOPE. [if noun1 === 1] Sycophancy: MORE LIKE "PSYCHO-PHANCY," AMIRITE? [if noun1 === 2] Sycophancy: NOSE SO BROWN WE'll CALL YOU CHARLIE. [if noun1 === 3] Sycophancy: WHERE THE SUCK MEETS THE UP. [if noun1 === 4] Sycophancy: CALL VAN HELSING, WE FOUND THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if noun1 === 5] Sycophancy: LIKE AN INFLUENCER SUCKING UP TO CHAT FOR TIPS. [if noun1 === 6] Sycophancy: WHEN YOU CAME OUT OF THE WOMB, YOU SAID TO YOUR MOM, "ABOUT TIME." [if noun1 === 7] Sycophancy: YEAH, LET'S PRE-ALERT HR NOW. [if noun1 === 8] Sycophancy: YOU GIVE YOURSELF HICKEYS, DON'T YOU? [if noun1 === 9] Sycophancy: POORLY-DISGUISED SOCIOPATH; PROMOTE IMMEDIATELY. [if noun1 === 10] Sycophancy: TONGUE'S LICKED MORE BOOTS THAN A SHOESHINER'S RAG. [if noun1 === 11] Sycophancy: BASICALLY A USED CAR SALESMAN. [if noun1 === 12] Sycophancy: CLINGY AF. [if adjective2 === 1] Emotional Intelligence: IF COMIC SANS WERE A PERSON. [if adjective2 === 2] Emotional Intelligence: PBS CARTOON. [if adjective2 === 3] Emotional Intelligence: CLUSTER B NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. [if adjective2 === 4] Emotional Intelligence: HAMURABIAN. [if adjective2 === 5] Emotional Intelligence: A LIVING, BREATHING VERSION OF WILLIAM COLTON HUGHES, THE TITLE CHARACTER FROM STEPHEN GRAHAM JONES'S TERRIFYING NOVEL *THE LEAST OF MY SCARS.* DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS? READ A BOOK. [if adjective2 === 6] Emotional Intelligence: 2,147. [if adjective2 === 7] Emotional Intelligence: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHECK THEIR BROWSER HISTORY. [if adjective2 === 8] Emotional Intelligence: IMAGINE A LION WHO FORCES YOU TO READ *THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON* WHILE IT EATS YOU. [if adjective2 === 9] Emotional Intelligence: LET'S SAY "COLORFUL" FOR LEGAL REASONS. [if adjective2 === 10] Emotional Intelligence: ALWAYS SINGS "DESPERADO" AT KARAOKE NIGHT. [if adjective2 === 11] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE BACON THAT PAN-FRIES ITSELF. [if adjective2 === 12] Emotional Intelligence: LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN WITH A UKULELE—FRIGHTENING, AND PURE EVIL, BUT ALSO ANNOYING. [if noun2 === 1] Gustatory Sophistication: A TONGUE MADE OF SANDPAPER. [if noun2 === 2] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS TWINKIES ARE UNDERAPPRECIATED. [if noun2 === 3] Gustatory Sophistication: LICK AND SPITTLE, SIGNIFYING NOTHING. [if noun2 === 4] Gustatory Sophistication: BLAMES THEIR LACK OF TASTE ON COVID. [if noun2 === 5] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS MILK IS SPICY. [if noun2 === 6] Gustatory Sophistication: SOMMELIER-LEVEL... IF THE SOMMELIER WAS DEAD. [if noun2 === 7] Gustatory Sophistication: USELESSLY IDEOSYNCRATIC. [if noun2 === 8] Gustatory Sophistication: CEREAL FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT. [if noun2 === 9] Gustatory Sophistication: COULD OVERCOOK WATER. [if noun2 === 10] Gustatory Sophistication: WHEN YOU'RE A HAMMER, EVERY AMUSE BOUCHE TASTES LIKE A NAIL. [if noun2 === 11] Gustatory Sophistication: THINKS BEING A PICKY EATER = DISCERNMENT. [if noun2 === 12] Gustatory Sophistication: MEH. [if adjective3 === 1] Exploitability: WHAT BARNUM SAID. [if adjective3 === 2] Exploitability: FAVORITE PEN PAL IS A NIGERIAN PRINCE. [if adjective3 === 3] Exploitability: USES SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AS PASSWORD. [if adjective3 === 4] Exploitability: REMEMBER BIB FORTUNA, JABBA THE HUT'S AIDE WHO WAS EASILY JEDI MIND-TRICKED BY LUKE? OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU SEE THEM IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING. [if adjective3 === 5] Exploitability: MILITARY GRADE. [if adjective3 === 6] Exploitability: YOU "DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH," DON'T YOU? [if adjective3 === 7] Exploitability: PLEASE TAKE AN ADULT WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO CAR-SHOPPING. [if adjective3 === 8] Exploitability: LOST IT ALL IN MEME COIN. [if adjective3 === 9] Exploitability: WOULD BE, BUT LUCKILY, HAS NOTHING WORTH EXPLOITING. [if adjective3 === 10] Exploitability: EVER CONSIDER CHANGING YOUR NAME TO "PASTY"? [if adjective3 === 11] Exploitability: WOULD LOVE TO INVEST IN A MONORAIL. [if adjective3 === 12] Exploitability: LIKE A BUSTED ATM. [if noun3 === 1] Strength of Character: BASICALLY A SENTIENT ADULT DIAPER: ABSORBENT, BUT A LITTLE BIGGER THAN YOU SHOULD BE. [if noun3 === 2] Strength of Character: YOUR SOUL IS LIKE A MESSAGE IN LEMON JUICE. [if noun3 === 3] Strength of Character: A LITTLE TOO REAL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD STARE AT YOU TOO LONG. [if noun3 === 4] Strength of Character: LIKE WRITING YOUR MORAL CODE ON AN ETCH-A-SKETCH [if noun3 === 5] Strength of Character: HEDONIST. TO FEEL *SOMETHING*, AT LEAST. [if noun3 === 6] Strength of Character: LIKE A WET A MATCH. [if noun3 === 7] Strength of Character: IF YOU PAINT A FACE ON A WRECKING BALL, IT'S STILL A WRECKING BALL. [if noun3 === 8] Strength of Character: A FISH IN THE CLAW OF AN EAGLE, LOOKING SADLY DOWN AT THE GRANDEUR OF CREATION IN ITS LAST MOMENTS. [if noun3 === 9] Strength of Character: THIS PERSON'S DEAD, BOTH INSIDE AND OUT, WITH A HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY, HEY-NONNY HO! [if noun3 === 10] Strength of Character: ALL WATER, NO BROTH. [if noun3 === 11] Strength of Character: PICTURE A BROKEN REFRIGERATOR WITH ITS DOOR REMOVED LYING ON ITS SIDE AT THE DUMP [if noun3 === 12] Strength of Character: IF PLAY DOH COULD TALK. [if adjective4 === 1] Compassion: SURGEON WITH ZERO BEDSIDE MANNER. [if adjective4 === 2] Compassion: ROMAN EMPEROR. [if adjective4 === 3] Compassion: IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, "BLEEDING HEARTS BLEED EVERYWHERE, AND IT'S HARD TO GET BLOOD OUT OF CARPET." [if adjective4 === 4] Compassion: "COMEDY IS WHEN YOU FALL INTO AN OPEN SEWER AND DIE." —MEL BROOKS, AND ALSO YOU. [if adjective4 === 5] Compassion: BOWLING BALLS FEEL MORE. [if adjective4 === 6] Compassion: FEELS BAD FOR THE ORANGE WHEN PEELING AN ORANGE. [if adjective4 === 7] Compassion: BETTA FISH. [if adjective4 === 8] Compassion: WOULD PLUCK A BABY'S FIRST NOSE HAIR TO SEE IT CRY. [if adjective4 === 9] Compassion: GODZILLA'S FOOT, MEET TOYKO. [if adjective4 === 10] Compassion: THINKS ELECTROSHOCK IS A CURE-ALL. [if adjective4 === 11] Compassion: LOVES DOGS. SO THAT'S SOMETHING... [if adjective4 === 12] Compassion: ALL THE EMPATHY OF A TIKTOK PRANKSTER. [if noun4 === 1] Suitability as a Test Subject: ENROLL IMMEDIATELY. [if noun4 === 2] Suitability as a Test Subject: YOU THINK YOU'RE IMMUNE TO HYPNOSIS LOL. [if noun4 === 3] Suitability as a Test Subject: VERY LOW PAIN TOLERANCE. SO, PERFECT. [if noun4 === 4] Suitability as a Test Subject: LEVEL 20 NARC. [if noun4 === 5] Suitability as a Test Subject: WOULD POP LIKE A BALLOON. [if noun4 === 6] Suitability as a Test Subject: PSYCHOLOGICALLY FINE, BUT THE SMELL... [if noun4 === 7] Suitability as a Test Subject: THERE ARE OUTLIERS, AND THEN THERE'S THIS PIECE OF WORK. [if noun4 === 8] Suitability as a Test Subject: WILL EAT ANYTHING WITH FROSTING ON IT. [if noun4 === 9] Suitability as a Test Subject: TO GET A DOG TO TAKE MEDICINE, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WRAP IT IN CHEESE, IF YOU CATCH OUR DRIFT. [if noun4 === 10] Suitability as a Test Subject: NO. JUST NO. [if noun4 === 11] Suitability as a Test Subject: TOO MANY DRUGS IN THEIR SYSTEM AT ANY GIVEN TIME. [if noun4 === 12] Suitability as a Test Subject: A WALKING, TALKING PLACEBO EFFECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "100%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE EVERY ASTRONAUT THAT'S EVER LIVED GROUND TOGETHER AND MADE INTO THE MOST AWESOME ADVENTURE-BURGER EVER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "80%"] Sense of Adventure: DAVY FRICKING CROCKETT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "67%"] Sense of Adventure: HAS TRIED FUGU. RESPECT. [if PersonalityTestImages === "50%"] Sense of Adventure: OATMEAL WITH RAISINS FOR EYES AND A SYRUP FROWNY-FACE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "33%"] Sense of Adventure: SOMETIMES, YOU EVEN LEAVE YOUR HOUSE ON THE WEEKEND! [if PersonalityTestImages === "25%"] Sense of Adventure: LIKE A CAT SURPRISED BY A CUCUMBER. [if PersonalityTestImages === "10%"] Sense of Adventure: YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK YOUR PULSE. [if PersonalityTestImages === "0%"] Sense of Adventure: GRASS GETS BORED WATCHING YOU GROW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "100%"] Narcissism: DESPOT IN THE MAKING. [if PersonalityPneuma === "80%"] Narcissism: POP-STAR WHO'S AGED OUT AND IS DESPERATELY GRASPING FOR RELEVANCY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "67%"] Narcissism: TELE-EVANGELIST, BEFORE THE INEVITABLE SEX-SCANDAL. [if PersonalityPneuma === "50%"] Narcissism: A STARFISH IN WARM WATERS, OBLIVIOUS TO MOST OF LIFE, NO PROBLEMS, NO WORRIES, JUST LETTING THE WORLD COME TO IT. I WISH I WERE A STARFISH. [if PersonalityPneuma === "33%"] Narcissism: WHEN YOUR MAKING A PB & J AND YOU'VE ALREADY SPREAD THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE BREAD BEFORE YOU NOTICE YOU'RE OUT OF JELLY. [if PersonalityPneuma === "25%"] Narcissism: LIKE HANDWASH-ONLY NEGLIGEE AFTER AN HOUR IN THE DRYER. [if PersonalityPneuma === "10%"] Narcissism: DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION? WELP, TOO LATE NOW. [if PersonalityPneuma === "0%"] Narcissism: SELF? WHAT SELF? [if PersonalityTrust === "100%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! [if PersonalityTrust === "80%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: NOTHING ELECTROSHOCK CANT FIX. JOKING! UNLESS YOU'RE OKAY WITH ELECTROSHOCK. PLEASE CONTACT HR. [if PersonalityTrust === "67%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WE'VE FLUSHED STOOL THAT TRUSTS US MORE THAN YOU DO. [if PersonalityTrust === "50%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: LIKELY A DOUBLE-AGENT. INTERROGATE AFTER PERSONALITY TEST IS COMPLETE. HA HA, JUST KIDDING! ///NOT KIDDING, PREPARE THE SODIUM PENTATHOL. [if PersonalityTrust === "33%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: THERE'S NO TRUST NO FAITH, NO HONESTY IN MEN; ALL PERJURED, ALL FORSWORN, ALL NAUGHT, ALL DISSEMBLERS. (ROMEO AND JULIET, III.2). [if PersonalityTrust === "25%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: YOU'D BRING A POISON-TASTER TO A LUNCH MEETING. [if PersonalityTrust === "10%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: BET YOU 20 BUCKS YOU TRY TO INVOKE FREE SPEECH RIGHTS WITHIN A WEEK OF BEING HIRED, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE A PRIVATE COMPANY AND FREE SPEECH ONLY APPLIES TO THE GOVERNMENT. [if PersonalityTrust === "0%"] Faith in the Burger Meme™ family: WHY ARE YOU EVEN INTERVIEWING? NO, SERIOUSLY: IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL, WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS JOB? [if adjective6 === 1] High-Maintenance?: EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE. [if adjective6 === 2] High-Maintenance?: MAY DIE AT WORK AND YOU WON'T KNOW FOR WEEKS. [if adjective6 === 3] High-Maintenance?: THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ON A HOVERCRAFT. [if adjective6 === 4] High-Maintenance?: LIKE A GUITAR THAT WON'T STAY IN TUNE. [if adjective6 === 5] High-Maintenance?: IMAGINE THAT ALL YOUR EDIBLES CONGEALED AND BECAME A PERSON. THAT'S YOU. [if adjective6 === 6] High-Maintenance?: WILL REQUIRE REGULAR SEDATION. [if adjective6 === 7] High-Maintenance?: YOU'D BETTER FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT-IAGO IAGO, OR YOU'RE GETTING IAGO'ED. [if adjective6 === 8] High-Maintenance?: BOWL-FULL-OF-ONLY-BROWN-M&Ms LEVELS OF ANNOYING. [if adjective6 === 9] High-Maintenance?: LEARNED EVERYTHING THEY KNOW ABOUT LIFE FROM REALITY TV. [if adjective6 === 10] High-Maintenance?: WILL FILE A LAWSUIT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "JUST SETTLE TO AVOID THE BAD PUBLICITY." [if adjective6 === 11] High-Maintenance?: HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THAT ONE HEARTBREAK. LOOKS OUT WINDOWS PINING FOR WHAT ONCE WAS. DREAMS OF LOVE'S VELLEITIES. WEEPS FOR NO REASON INTO RESTAURANT NAPKINS. WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT EVERY LUNCH BREAK FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU RETIRE. [if adjective6 === 12] High-Maintenance?: CAN BE BRIBED TO STFU, SO THERE'S THAT. [if noun6 === 1] Flosses?: WHAT IS THIS FLOSS YOU SPEAK OF? [if noun6 === 2] Flosses?: TOO OFTEN. LIKE, MAYBE KIND OF EVEN LIKES THE TASTE OF BLOOD. [if noun6 === 3] Flosses?: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO. [if noun6 === 4] Flosses?: A DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN AMOUNT OF FLOSSING AND TIME SINCE LAST DENTIST APPOINTMENT. IN OTHER WORDS, FEELS GUILTY, BUT THEN THE GUILT WEARS OFF. [if noun6 === 5] Flosses?: YES, BUT IN THE BOUGIEST WAY POSSIBLE, LIKE WITH A WATER-PICK INFUSED WITH ARTISANAL CHARCOAL OR SOME SHIT. [if noun6 === 6] Flosses?: ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING, EVEN THE DAY THE DIVORCE WAS FILED, EVEN WHEN DISOWNED BY THEIR PARENTS, FLOSS FLOSS FLOSS, GOTTA FLOSS, AT LEAST FLOSSING YOU CAN CONTROL. [if noun6 === 7] Flosses?: TRIED IT ONCE WHEN THEY WERE SEVEN. DIDN'T LIKE IT. [if noun6 === 8] Flosses?: NO, BUT DRINKS HIGH-ALCOHOL NIGHTCAPS EVERY NIGHT, SO THAT'S GOTTA HELP, RIGHT? [if noun6 === 9] Flosses?: TEETH ARE JUMPING OUT OF THAT MOUTH LIKE PARATROOPERS. [if noun6 === 10] Flosses?: IF PEOPLE ASK YOU NOT TO EXHALE DURING MEETINGS, DON'T GET OFFENDED, OKAY? [if noun6 === 11] Flosses?: WITH A PIANO WIRE. [if noun6 === 12] Flosses?: LOOK, NO JUDGMENT. YOU DO YOU. [if adjective7 === 1] Manners: CLIPS TOENAILS IN PUBLIC. [if adjective7 === 2] Manners: MICROWAVES FISH AT THE OFFICE. [if adjective7 === 3] Manners: BASICALLY A JAPANESE-EMPEROR. [if adjective7 === 4] Manners: IF AN EPISODE OF SEINFELD CAME TO LIFE. [if adjective7 === 5] Manners: I MEAN, USES UTENSILS OCCASIONALLY. SO, THAT'S SOMETHING. [if adjective7 === 6] Manners: A SOCIAL CHAMELEON—AS IN, A LITTLE TOO EAGER TO USE THEIR TONGUE. [if adjective7 === 7] Manners: WALKING TALKING CONVERSATION KRYPTONITE. [if adjective7 === 8] Manners: LOCKED DOWN, BUTTONED UP, NON-CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF ANY SOCIAL SITUATION. [if adjective7 === 9] Manners: HOW MUCH IS HR ALLOWED TO SAY ABOUT BODY ODOR? [if adjective7 === 10] Manners: THEY'RE SO FRICKIN GOOD-LOOKING, NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT THEIR MANNERS. /// don't print this. Store in hidden variable "isHotAF: true". Output should be "Good manners" or something else banal. [if adjective7 === 11] Manners: BULL IN A CHINA SHOP DURING AN EARTHQUAKE 10 SECONDS AFTER WWIII HAS STARTED. [if adjective7 === 12] Manners: NEEDS TRAINING. LIKE, ALL OF IT. [if noun7 === 1] Courage: STILL BELIEVES THE WHOLE ALPHA-MALE THING IS REAL SCIENCE LOL. [if noun7 === 2] Courage: BASICALLY A FEINTING GOAT IN BUSINESS CASUAL [if noun7 === 3] Courage: LIKE OEDIPUS REBORN (AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THINGS GO FOR OEDIPUS) [if noun7 === 4] Courage: MIGHT FIGHT A HORDE OF ZOMBIES, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE GETTING ENOUGH VIEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. [if noun7 === 5] Courage: A TULIP BENEATH THE FOOTFALL OF AN ELEPHANT. [if noun7 === 6] Courage: IF YOU LOSE A HAND, YOU'LL AFFIX A FRICKIN CHAINSAW TO THE STUMP. [if noun7 === 7] Courage: WOULD FIGHT FOREVER ON THE FRONT LINES OF HELL AS LONG AS THE SNACKS WERE GOOD. [if noun7 === 8] Courage: A TRULY HONORABLE PROBLEM. OOPS! I MEAN, A TRULY HONORABLE PERSON. [if noun7 === 9] Courage: THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A CHEW TOY. [if noun7 === 10] Courage: NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN TO BE SCARED. [if noun7 === 11] Courage: THINKS "RETREAT" MEANS YOU GET A SECOND SNACK. [if noun7 === 12] Courage: I'M NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU. YOU'RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME! [if adjective8 === 1] Bloodlust: WOULD EAT OWN MOTHER FOR BREAKFAST. [if adjective8 === 2] Bloodlust: A WOLF CUB—NOT MUCH DANGER NOW, BUT CUBS GROW UP... [if adjective8 === 3] Bloodlust: ZERO—A SCAVENGER, BOTH LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY. [if adjective8 === 4] Bloodlust: DRINKS PLASMA LIKE TOMATO JUICE. [if adjective8 === 5] Bloodlust: DO **NOT** LEAVE ALONE WITH PETS. [if adjective8 === 6] Bloodlust: CHECK BELOW EYES FOR REMOVED JAILHOUSE TATTOOS OF TEARS. [if adjective8 === 7] Bloodlust: WE'RE KEEPING OUR BELOVED PETS AWAY FROM YOU. [if adjective8 === 8] Bloodlust: IS AFRAID OF THE MEAT AISLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. [if adjective8 === 9] Bloodlust: MAY ACTUALLY HAVE RABIES. [if adjective8 === 10] Bloodlust: “WE ARE NO GUILTIER IN FOLLOWING THE PRIMITIVE IMPULSES THAT GOVERN US THAN IS THE NILE FOR HER FLOODS OR THE SEA FOR HER WAVES." — THE MARQUIS DE SADE [if adjective8 === 11] Bloodlust: EVER TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH A CORNERED HONEY BADGER? [if adjective8 === 12] Bloodlust: LIKE A MOSQUITO WITH A 10-INCH PROBOSCIS. [if noun8 === 1] Finickiness: WOULD LICK THE POLE AT A STRIP CLUB. [if noun8 === 2] Finickiness: COMPLAINS WHEN FOODS ON A PLATE TOUCH. RECOMMEND ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY PRIOR TO EMPLOYMENT [if noun8 === 3] Finickiness: WON'T EVEN TRY ASPARAGUS. [if noun8 === 4] Finickiness: YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE A SUPER-TASTER, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE JUST A PAIN IN THE ASS. [if noun8 === 5] Finickiness: FRIENDS HAVE DIED OF BOREDOM WHILE YOU WERE SCRUTINIZING THE MENU. [if noun8 === 6] Finickiness: HAS LITERALLY DRUNK FROM A TOILET. WE HAVE VIDEO. [if noun8 === 7] Finickiness: FIVE-SECOND RULE? MORE LIKE FIVE-YEAR RULE. [if noun8 === 8] Finickiness: BOTULISM SCHAMTULISM. [if noun8 === 9] Finickiness: ESOTERIC LIKES AND DISLIKES. NOT A BAD THING IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT, I DUNNO—IT JUST STINKS OF PRETENSION AND SMUGNESS. CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON EXACTLY WHY. NEED MORE DATA. [if noun8 === 10] Finickiness: FIREHOUSE GAG-REFLEX. DURING TASTE-TESTING, MAKE SURE ALL OTHER PARTICIPANTS HAVE GARBAGE BAGS TO WEAR OVER THEIR CLOTHES. [if noun8 === 11] Finickiness: CAN EAT ANYTHING! ALSO, VOMITS EVERYTHING! [if noun8 === 12] Finickiness: YOU WILL DIE, ABSOLUTELY DIE, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CUT THE CRUST OFF YOUR SANDWICH. [if adjective9 === 1] Moral Clarity: EXTREMELY CLEAR. EXTREMELY WRONG. [if adjective9 === 2] Moral Clarity: THINKS *AMERICAN PSYCHO* IS A HOW-TO BOOK. [if adjective9 === 3] Moral Clarity: THINKS VLAD THE IMPALER WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. [if adjective9 === 4] Moral Clarity: THINKS FASCISM IS WHAT MODELS WEAR ON RUNWAYS. [if adjective9 === 5] Moral Clarity: WHEN YOU WERE ASKED IF YOU'D EAT PEOPLE IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU REPLIED "WHY WAIT?" [if adjective9 === 6] Moral Clarity: HELLO, HAGUE? WE'VE GOT A RINGER FOR YOU. [if adjective9 === 7] Moral Clarity: THINKING'S HARD, INNIT? [if adjective9 === 8] Moral Clarity: WHY BOTHER WITH MORALITY WHEN NARCISSISM HAS SERVED YOU SO WELL? [if adjective9 === 9] Moral Clarity: IT'S NOT JUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE DARK. YOU'RE A MORAL BLINDFOLD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. [if adjective9 === 10] Moral Clarity: JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if adjective9 === 11] Moral Clarity: NO MORALS, JUST CRYPTO. [if adjective9 === 12] Moral Clarity: WHEN THEY WERE DISHING OUT ORIGINAL SIN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO BACK FOR SECOND HELPINGS. [if noun9 === 1] Moral Turpitude: JUST THE TURPI-TUDIEST! AREN'T YOU JUST? [if noun9 === 2] Moral Turpitude: THERE WAS A TIME YOU ENJOYED BEING EVIL, BUT NOW THAT THE ANHEDONIA'S KICKED IN, YOU JUST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS, BECAUSE EVIL IS ALL YOU KNOW. SAD, IN ITS WAY. [if noun9 === 3] Moral Turpitude: [C] CALIGULA WAS STEEPED IN SIN [Em] AND NERO PLAYED HIS VIOLIN [D7] AND HITLER? WHERE SHOULD WE BEGIN? [F] BUT NONE OF THEM [Bm7b5] SEEM QUITE SO BAD WHEN [F] THEY'RE COM- [Fmin] PARED TO [C] YOU. [if noun9 === 4] Moral Turpitude: "'SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD WOMAN,' THE MISFIT SAID, 'IF IT HAD BEEN SOMEBODY THERE TO SHOOT HER EVERY MINUTE OF HER LIFE.'" JUST QUOTING LITERATURE. NO REASON. [if noun9 === 5] Moral Turpitude: IF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 6] Moral Turpitude: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR BRAND OF EVIL. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US: WEAK. WEAK WEAK WEAK. [if noun9 === 7] Moral Turpitude: THERE IS KINDNESS IN YOU. IN YOUR STOMACH, SPECIFICALLY. BECAUSE YOU DEVOURED IT. [if noun9 === 8] Moral Turpitude: THE PHRASE "SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN" MEANS BE PATIENT WITH THEM, NOT TORTURE THEM! [if noun9 === 9] Moral Turpitude: IF WE HIRE YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE THAT "CONSENT MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY" BUMPER STICKER FROM YOUR CAR. [if noun9 === 10] Moral Turpitude: IF NIPPLE CLAMPS WERE A PERSON. [if noun9 === 11] Moral Turpitude: NO, SERIOUSLY: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU KILLED? [if noun9 === 12] Moral Turpitude: SEXUAL DEPRAVITY WE CAN WORK WITH, BUT M'DUDE, WHAT YOU DO WITH MENTOS AND COKE IS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE. [continue] [align center] # Final Employability Score: 69 [[Credits]]

rhinoGun: false noGun: true -- Bro, we're done spoonfeeding you. Just admit you're a wannabe poser trying to fake alphamaling 'til you make it. > >[[I am a wannabe poser trying to fake alphamaling 'til I make it.->TestSlide8Results]]

[align center] # Are you sure you wish to restart the game? [align center] Doing so will erase all saved progress. | {restart link, label: "Yes"} | {back link, label: "No"} |

sins: sins +1 -- Your sin of being disgusting has been noted. Now, stop kidding around already. What animal would you eat? > >[[My real choice is the Sumatran Rhinoceros.->Rhino]] >[[My real choice is the Red Panda.->Panda]] >[[My real choice is the Black and White Ruffled Lemur.->Lemur]] >[[My real choice is the Cuvier's Gazelle.->Gazelle]] [unless condorYuck] >[[My real choice is the California Condor.->Condor]] [continue] >[[I am telling you I would really eat the toad.->reallyreallyeatToad]]

You mean it? You would eat the Arroyo Toad? [align center] | [[Yes->eatToad]] | [[No->reallyeatToad]] |

sound.mute: true -- This game exists because of Reddit threads [[such as this one->https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinfuriating/comments/1ap1345/i_applied_for_a_software_role_at_fedex_and_was/]]. (Right click to open in a new tab.) There are some great psychometric/personality tests out there, administered by credentialed psychologists, that, under strictly-controlled conditions, might be useful in evaluating potential employees. This ain't it. [align center] {back link, label: "lol got it"}